Choices a treat, not trick.

Byline: George Barnes 

COLUMN: Barnestorming

Being someone who loves Halloween and the celebration of that odd holiday during which children begging for tooth decay is not only acceptable but also encouraged.

With just seven shopping days until Halloween, I am pondering both where I will be able to acquire the final 100 pieces of candy needed to satisfy the hordes of scary children who will visit our home and what I should wear.

The candy problem is one we face each year as the estimated number of trick-or-treaters visiting Templeton Center increases (we now expect at least 400 people based on the size of last year's swarms that passed through the neighborhood). We have been buying for a month or so as budget allows it and when candy is on sale. The puny candy bars for sale by candy companies as "snack size" or "bite size" are what we are basically forced to go with in light of the increasing costs of satisfying the sweet-toothed children of our town.

Personally, I would rather give kids apples and popcorn balls, but parents, steeped in fear-mongering about people trying to harm their children, reject anything not wrapped by a factory.

Pity. Healthy apples would go far toward reducing the epidemic of overweightedness among both children and adults.

I say this, but I admit I love candy - especially Mars bars and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. It may have something to do with my general lack of candy other than Canada mints when I was a poor, deprived child living in the wilds of Templeton. We were forced to choke down apples, oranges and other fruit, although popcorn balls for Christmas and Halloween were staples.

Kids today have it too tasty! In my day, there were no sweets. Everything was tart!

But I still need to buy enough candy for the hungry hordes, and then I need to find a costume. It is improper to give out candy without some sort of costume, even if it is, as is often the case with me, a really lame costume.

Understandably, dressing as myself, a journalist, is scary enough for some people - at least a little intimidating. I could carry around a large pencil and menace people with it while waving a newspaper at them with the other hand.

The problem with that is people no longer know what a journalist looks like. They have visions of Glenn Beck, Rush what's-his-name or Geraldo. They are more like sock puppets compared to real journalists. Whatever they spout rarely has much impact other than on the Internet.

Real reporters are not playing at it. They are fierce, heartless and cruel and believe they have the facts to back it up. They are out there where you live and - shudder - might some day come knocking at your door.

But dressing up as myself might frighten too many kids away. Another possibility would be dressing up as my impression of one of those cranks who like to post nasty comments online.

Knowing some of those people, I have a good idea what they should look like.

Again, although it would save me money on candy, I don't want to scare kids away. Dressed up like some yokel with a computer glued to my fingers might even give parents a heart attack.

Dressing up like a clown is also not a good idea because someone will take offense, thinking you are making fun of his or her favorite national politician. The same is true of dressing like a national political figure, only they will think you are making fun of their favorite clown.

I may just go as a scary old man who is broke from buying candy. The costume sort of suits me and I think I can find clothes for it. And when the kids see me, they can laugh and point fingers. Contact George Barnes via e-mail at [e-mail].