Children of gay marriage do just fine, thanks.

Byline: GUEST VIEWPOINT By Toby Hill-Meyer For The Register-Guard

In the debate over same-sex marriage, the discussion often turns to children. Some claim that because it is "impossible" for same-sex couples to have children, they ought not be allowed to marry. Others, such as Kim Grossnicklaus in her March 8 guest viewpoint, cite statistics about the detrimental effects of "absent fathers" on children. This is all in an attempt to save children from the horrors of same-sex relationships.

Well, I am one of those children, having been raised by lesbian parents. And I would like to say that reading such statements has been more harmful to me than my parents have been.

When looking at the statistics, it is important to remember that there is a big difference between having a father who is absent and having a second mother instead of a father. I was given a stable and loving family for the entirety of my childhood, which is surprisingly rare, even among sacred heterosexual marriages.

In fact, looking at the meta-study by Judith Stacey and Timothy J. Biblarz ``[How] Does the Sexual Orientation of Parents Matter?'' it appears that gay and lesbian parents may indeed raise stronger and better adjusted children, but I would never suggest then that heterosexuals not be allowed to marry. When it comes down to it, it is the strength and love of the family and connections that matter most.

The reality of the situation is that no matter what one thinks about my family, we exist, and denying my family certain rights - such as health care, hospital visitation and being seen as one family unit - is not going to make anything better.

If someone really is worried about me and others in my situation, I would suggest they use a strategy other than stigmatizing our lives to the point that they would hope other children aren't raised similarly. In reality, I can easily say that that stigma has been a greater challenge and harm to me than not having a father figure.

When I read the newspaper, it seems like there is at least one letter to the editor or column condemning my family. To add insult to injury, as with Grossnicklaus' column, many of these condemnations are done in the name of protecting me. I understand most of those who are advocating such a position are probably not thinking about how to deal with people like me, but instead just hoping that we will cease to exist.

I have developed a rather thick skin for dealing with homophobia, but I have had to deal with it all my life. A teacher who refused to say anything supportive during my family tree project. A couple who offered to adopt my brother. Getting in trouble saying vulgar words, but knowing it was fine for others to yell "fag" at each other. Filling out forms that ask my mother's name and my father's name. Hesitating to disclose my parents' sexual orientation for fear of how a friend, co-worker, boss or teacher would respond. Losing friends who have been taught that there must be something wrong with me. Learning about Measure 9. Seeing a commercial on TV that advocated getting rid of same-sex parental adoption (and, to my young eyes, fearing that someone would come and take me away from my parents). Reading columns that seem to tell me I should not exist.

That's just a small window into things that I have had to deal with.

All I am asking is that when someone makes an impassioned plea to think of the children, please think of how children who are like me would react to reading that they should not exist.

Toby Hill-Meyer is a student at the University of Oregon. His parents were married in Portland on March 5 after 22 years together.