Children learn compassion from adults.

Byline: BIRTH TO THREE By Mona Ivey-Soto For The Register-Guard

Without parents and caregivers even being aware of it, many children are growing up today devoid of compassion and empathy for others. Frequently, the statement `I don't care' is heard at playgrounds, shopping malls and schools.

When asked how they feel about hurting another child's feelings or how they feel after a fight with their parent, children often respond with a blank look and show no emotion. The problem is two fold. Some children may have been taught to repress emotions, hold everything inside and stay `tough.' For other children, developing empathy, compassion and care for others has not been emphasized within their home life.

In a recent television program, children living in horrific conditions of poverty, violence and suffering were asked if they had one message to share with others. They asked that we (as a society) don't forget about them, remember they are there and reach out and help.

Extending a hand to help others, showing interest in those around you and being able to think beyond yourself is becoming a rare characteristic within our society. Instead, children hear that it is OK to focus on yourself, your needs, your wants, and how to make life better for yourself.

Parents, caregivers and those closely involved in children's lives have the ability to change this message and cultivate an expression of caring. How they treat others and see others (especially those different from them) have a profound impact on how they will grow and develop, and what our society will become.

There are many ways to cultivate empathy and an `I care for you' attitude through the context of the relationship that the child shares with the caring adults in her life. When a young baby is nurtured and loved by her family, this imprints a message on her that says she is worthy of being loved and taken care of. As she grows, there is a continued need to feel loved, but also to learn how to show love and care toward others.

Parents play a critical role in the development of this. Here are some ideas to support building empathy and compassion:

When your child sees a person who may look different from him or have a different life story, perhaps someone with a disability or a person who is homeless, he may be naturally inquisitive about this. Instead of changing the subject or quickly moving him away, use this as an opportunity to teach. Talk with him about why someone may be in a wheelchair or why an individual may not have a place to call home. These situations are complex and may require complex responses and ongoing dialogue to help you and your child come to a greater understanding and respect for all people.

Parents modeling empathic behavior is critical and the best way for children to learn. If your child is old enough, spend a Saturday with her working in a soup kitchen or visiting with elderly people. Discuss the importance of helping others who may need it and respecting those who are older and have had much life experience.

Watch your verbal and body language. It's important to communicate to your child that you don't think or feel that you are better than anyone else because of where you live or your school choice. It is important for him to see and hear that you view all of humanity as equals. If he talks about a child in his classroom who has a single parent or who may not be as well off as your family, help him to see past these things and perhaps to help out (not out of pity).

Don't perpetuate language that supports negative stereotyping. Don't laugh or remain silent when racist, sexist or homophobic comments and jokes are told. Take a stand on issues you feel passionate about and allow your child to see that it is important to care for others both in how we treat them and what we say to and about them.

Avoid using the `us' and `them' language when talking with your child. When she asks about someone who may have a different religion or display a different cultural background, show interest in her inquiry and take the time to share this valuable information with her.

Focusing on similarities while also appreciating unique differences will help break down walls that divide us and will ultimately teach and show children the importance of caring for others and extending a hand toward others.

Mona Ivey-Soto is a social worker, educator and advocate with expertise in early childhood mental health and working with all types of families. The opinions expressed in this column are those of the writer. Birth To Three is a nonprofit organization dedicated to strengthening families through parent support and education. For more information about Birth To Three, call 484-4401.