Children Who Care.

As Sally plays by herself with play dough, she notices that Jamey is wandering about and looking lonely. She invites Jamey to share her play dough. The two children play happily together.

On the other side of the room, Tommy is playing with a Lego set, which has many pieces. When Billy approaches, Tommy rejects his overtures to play. Billy retreats with a hurt look on his face. Tommy sees this, but continues happily playing with the Legos by himself.

Why did Sally, on her own initiative, share her play dough to cheer up Jamey? And why did Tommy refuse to share, despite the consequences? These two children reacted very differently to similar situations. Most of us would like our children to behave as Sally did. What causes these differences? Individual differences, parenting practices, and the environment all contribute. Research conducted by Nancy Eisenberg (1992) revealed a great deal about caring behavior in children.

* From the Beginning

Caring behavior is evident in the first years of life. Many infants cry when another baby is crying. By age 2, children's caring behavior increases as they become less self-oriented and more other-oriented. When one child is punished, other toddlers in the room become quiet and they look uneasy. They may even display the same emotion as the child being punished. In time, children can take others' perspectives. During the impressionable early years of life, parents can help their children develop a lifelong prosocial attitude and a pattern of caring behavior.

* Children Are Unique

From early infancy, children differ in their helping responses. Some children are immediately sensitive to the needs of others. Others are less attuned. Individual temperament remains an influence on the development of helping behavior. Parents who take the same actions with their children may have children who differ in helping behavior. As parents, we can maximize only within the individuality of our child.

Gender may contribute to emerging prosocial behavior. In cultures all over the world, women display more nurturing behavior than men do. This trait may start as a biological difference, and it also may be supported by social patterns. We teach boys to be tough and girls to be nurturing. Research has shown, however, that men can and do engage in altruistic behavior. The way in which it is expressed may differ, however.

* Modeling Helping Behavior

The values expressed in parental behavior and verbalizations are an important contribution to prosocial behavior. When parents engage in helping behavior, children learn through imitation. Adults who display caring behavior usually have learned about generosity and caring from their parents. One mother spoke of a time when her daughter, Maggie, was young. At Christmas, she had received an unexpected bonus with her paycheck. As mother and daughter shopped with this extra money, they passed a Salvation Army bell ringer. The mother explained to Maggie that since she had been fortunate this year, she felt like helping someone who had been unfortunate. Providing a model of caring is an important thing for a parent to do. Actions speak loudly for children.

* Encouraging Empathy 

Verbal explanations encourage helping behavior. Maggie's mother explained what the bell ringer was doing and where the money would go. The explanation conveyed the mother's feelings. Empathy--identifying with the emotion of another person--is important because it is a basis for enduring prosocial behavior. If a child's friend is sad, do not discourage the child from sharing this feeling. Explanations of how others may feel also cultivate empathy. A child's first encounter with a person in a wheelchair, for example, can lead to either aversion or acceptance and empathy, depending on the explanation provided. Verbal explanations are most effective when they are age-appropriate and reinforced in many different situations. Children need help in understanding unusual or distressing things in their world.

* Consider the Television

Television plays a powerful role in the lives of many children. Concerns about the impact of television violence are justified. Many children are likely to model the behavior they see when watching. Some studies have found that children also imitate prosocial behavior. These positive effects are much weaker, however, than the negative ones. Even older children will continue to imitate what they see on TV. Parents would do well, therefore, to monitor the amount of TV, as well as the types of programs, their children watch.

* Child-Rearing Practices Do Matter

Some parents nurture close and warm relationships with their children. In such relationships, discussions are open. The parents and children talk about day-to-day activities. These are relationships full of hugs and compliments. Parents who cultivate such relationships are more effective in developing prosocial behavior in their children. When a child does act aggressively or insensitively, these parents are more successful in encouraging change. They can discuss the behavior and suggest alternative ways of handling disagreements and stress. Providing consistent consequences and explanations will reduce negative behavior and increase understanding. Within a nurturant and supportive relationship, children are more comfortable with and receptive to parents' reasoning and correction.

* To Reinforce or Encourage?

Sally's sharing of play dough, described above, exhibited helpful and comforting behavior. Sometimes, helping behavior is externally motivated. The child may, for example, anticipate receiving a reward or wish to avoid punishment. An externally motivated child might help another child only because his parents are watching. Tangible awards, however, provide only immediate and short-term gain. Increasing external motivations, such as rewards, may actually decrease helping behavior in the long run. This is because the child has not internalized the motivation to do what is right.

Internal motivation, feelings of sympathy, or a desire to do what is right support helping behavior over the long term. Sally seems to have understood how Jamey would feel about sharing the play dough because of internal motivation. Increasing internal motivations can increase the incidence of helping behavior. Parents can encourage prosocial actions in their children by using feedback. We can tell the children how they can view their own actions. We can say, "What a nice thing it was for you to ..." and in so doing provide them with the basis for internally based motivation. These feelings serve to increase helping behavior.

* Consider the Siblings!

Children often spend more time with their siblings than they do with their parents. The potential for conflict, therefore, is high. As parents, we should explain the needs of newborns to older siblings, and allow them to help. Parents also need to treat each sibling in the family similarly. Preferential treatment causes hostility between siblings. It is, of course, sometimes necessary to treat siblings differently. When this happens, we can use the opportunity to provide age-appropriate explanations. Promoting understanding is difficult, but important. Siblings who feel they are being treated fairly at home will get along much better with others than those who carry grudges and hurts. Helping behavior within the family serves as the foundation for the child's interactions in the broader world.

* Child Care

Good child care also can encourage prosocial behavior. When choosing a child care arrangement, parents should observe the setting on several occasions. Look for the general tone of the classrooms. Pay attention to how the teachers speak to the children. Does the teacher yell at children who misbehave, or does she quietly explain what they did that was inappropriate? Does the teacher encourage children to solve their own problems? Good teachers acknowledge and encourage helping behavior with a "thumbs-up" or an "I liked the way you ..."

Good child care centers foster dialogue among children so that they learn to take each others' perspectives. Teachers should model appropriate helping behavior and provide opportunities for them to occur.

Stories of human violence--wars, brutality, and genocide--sometimes seem to dominate the news. We wonder about the world in which we raise our children. If we look closely, however, we will also find caring, helping, and altruism. There are people who give freely of their resources and people who extend their help and care. Helping behavior is valuable to our families and our society. A neighborhood with caring people is a good place to live. We, as parents, can make a substantial contribution to our child's prosocial behavior. We will have many opportunities to teach our children the value of caring. Not all of these will be easy, but it is worth the effort.

For more information Eisenberg, N. (1992). The caring child. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Copyright [C] 2000 by the Association for Childhood Education International. Permission to reproduce this column intact is not required. It is hoped that readers will distribute copies to parents, colleagues, and others who work with children.