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Checkout the Tesco takeover.

Byline: Richard Irvine

LET'S all imagine the future.

Obviously everybody will be working because the pension system means anyone under the age of 60 won't have enough money to retire, until they've been dead for three years.

Our leisure time will be spent going to the cinema, where thanks to inflation we'll get to pay pounds 300 for a wheelie wheel·ie  
n.
A stunt in which the front wheel or wheels of a vehicle, such as a bicycle or motorcycle, are raised so that the vehicle is balanced momentarily on its rear wheel or wheels.
 bin-sized tub of popcorn and pounds 150 for 20 litres of Pepsi.

But where will we be working? Maybe it''ll be from home using super fast broadband, video conferencing and other modern technology people don't really understand.

Maybe it''ll be for ourselves as part of a network of individuals linked to a main hub through advances in wireless things.

Or maybe it''ll be for Tesco. Now I don't mean working on the till or stacking shelves, although many of us will.

I just mean we will all be working in a variety of roles for this supermarket behemoth behemoth (bē`hĭmŏth, bĭhē`–) [Heb.,=plural of beast], large, fanciful primeval monster, like Leviathan, evoking the hippopotamus mentioned in the Book of Job. .

Let's say you're a solicitor now for a private fir m.

Well, you'll be a solicitor for Tesco You can handle conveyancing for new stores, or maybe you can deal with planning disputes.

But that won't be all, because Tesco is now offering insurance, loans and credit cards.

Would it be a huge leap for them to offer legal services legal services n. the work performed by a lawyer for a client. ? You can get an extra 200 Clubcard points if you get a Tesco divorce.

It''s not a new theory, and if you type "Tesco is taking over the world" into Google then you get more than 5,970,000 results, but it''s a theory that''s really started to hit home.

I''ve noticed the gentle appearance of Tesco stores in my life over the past five years - in fact, it''s got to the point I''m in at least one of them every day.

And now they''re putting one very close to my house.

I fear they''ve done a few rudimentary calculations and discovered I''m a goldmine just waiting to be exploited.

The new premises used to be the ineffective yet strangely handy Woolworths, but now it''s this business monster.

Brilliant. At the moment, I''m trying to lose weight and save money, but I fear having a Tesco open all hours Open All Hours was a BBC sitcom written by Roy Clarke which ran for four series (26 episodes in all) between 1976 and 1985, with a pilot episode from the Seven of One series in 1973. In 2004, the series was voted eighth in Britain's Best Sitcom.  of the day might put an end to this.

I can see the future and it involves me waddling over the road for another bottle of wine, chocolate and some more Pringles.

Maybe I''ll pick up a pair of extra extra large jogging bottoms while I''m there for comfort so my waistline can gently expand as I gorge myself on consumerism.

And then, when the time comes Adv. 1. when the time comes - at the appropriate time; "we'll get to this question in due course"
in due course, in due season, in due time, in good time
 and I attempt to sue them for turning me into a fat alcoholic, I can use their own legal team, so I can still collect my points.

Admittedly, these are purely selfish fears for my waistline and bank balance, but think of all the small independent shops along Allerton Road.

It''s another blow for them and Tesco is not necessarily any cheaper, it''s just easier.

For example, potatoes could be much cheaper from the farm shops in Lancashire, but it''s a bit of a drive from Mossley Hill.

And, while shopping for one item, it''s much easier to collect a couple more, which explains the demise of the candlestick Candlestick

A price chart that displays the high, low, open, and close for a security each day over a specified period of time.
 maker.

I don''t need to go into the reasons for the success of Tesco, but suffice to say it''s very difficult to resist.

So, if you're reading this, Mr Tesco, I'll keep your plans for world domination quiet, in exchange for a gentle role as assistant director of media, a company car and a lifetime's supply of Dairy Milk.
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Publication:Daily Post (Liverpool, England)
Date:Sep 30, 2010
Words:602
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