Caucau would revel in a mavericks XV

They have had to be patient in Leicester. The big man is scheduled to show up today but they said the same thing weeks ago. Maybe, at long last, the door will open and there he will be, framed in the sunlight: the greatest and most frustrating rugby player of modern times. His name? You need to ask? Just go to YouTube, tap in "Rupeni Caucaunibuca" and see what I mean. If you happen to be the Fijian team manager you may, obviously, be less enthused. Caucau turns up about as reliably as Lord Lucan and there is insufficient room here to list his various career misdemeanours, which have lately included a suspension for smoking cannabis as well as sundry other instances of suspect professionalism. But, hey, when you can run that spectacularly with a paunch that impressive, why would you waste your time getting whippet-lean?

This is clearly what the Tigers management have decided and they are to be applauded for their optimism. If you are going to pay to watch a game of rugby, you ideally want a bit of uncertainty for your dollar, a dash of left-field in whatever form it happens to be available. It set me thinking that the organisers of this weekend's Help for Heroes game at Twickenham (ticket details below) may just have missed a trick in their otherwise admirable efforts to raise money for injured servicemen and women. It will be fun watching Martin Johnson trundling out again - surely there is one last punch in you, Johnno? - but the former England captain is what he is: a great former player and legendary competitor who has never claimed to be a member of the Harlem Globetrotters. This sort of charitable occasion cries out for an entirely different sort of rugby animal: the showman, the fully paid-up monster-raving maverick. Unless the fund-raisers are cleverer than we think and have already diverted Caucau to Twickenham as their piece de resistance.

All this has set me thinking about my all-time great gloriously bonkers, loose-cannon XV. Not mad necessarily, but crazy, eccentric, idiosyncratic or flamboyant enough to satisfy any taste. Full-back, for instance, would be a shoe-in. The 1980 Lions full-back Rodney O'Donnell had his career ended by a broken neck at 23, but not before he had built up a truly astounding range of superstitions, including not stepping on any lines, the pitch markings included. All pictures and curtains in his room had to be straightened last thing at night and he then had to jump into bed without touching either the top or the bottom sheet. They don't make them like that any more. The captain? Easier still. I sat and listened to Jean-Pierre Rives during last year's World Cup and, happily, he was even more existentially blissed-out than ever. Stick David Campese and Waisale Serevi alongside him in the dressing-room and their compulsive desire to outdazzle the other would provide similar entertainment. Then there is Epi Taione. The Tongan says he's a reformed character these days but anyone prepared to dye his hair green and change his name to Paddy Power by deed poll during a World Cup is surely worth a starting place.

And the forwards? Keith Murdoch gets a guernsey at prop, assuming he can be tempted back from the Northern Territory outback where he has been lying low since being sent home from New Zealand's 1972-73 tour of Britain. As with the Barbarians I'm also allowed one uncapped wildcard so I'll go for Roger Spurrell, Bath's piratical ex-captain, whom I used to have to ring for the odd quote in the mid-1980s. The only place you could track down the Cornishman in those pre-mobile days was his nightclub in Bath, known to the locals as "Bog Island" on account of the property's previous use as a public underground convenience. He was always perfectly polite and helpful but then again I never rang him in the evenings. With Stuart Barnes at fly-half to take charge of the wine list and provide the literary-themed post-match quotes, it would be a provocative mix and training wouldn't take long either. Caucau would be in his element.

Maverick XV: Rodney O'Donnell; David Campese, Epi Taione, Waisale Serevi, Rupeni Caucaunibuca; Stuart Barnes, David Bishop; Peter Clohessy, Mark Regan, Keith Murdoch, Moss Keane, Donncha O'Callaghan, Jean-Pierre Rives (capt), Roger Spurrell, Alan Ripley. Coach: Phillipe Saint-Andre. Manager: Sir Clive Woodward.

· Tickets for the Help for Heroes Challenge match, which supports the rehabilitation of British service personnel injured in Iraq and Afghanistan, are available from Ticketmaster by calling 0844 847 2492 or www.ticketmaster.co.uk and are priced from £20 for adults and £10 for juniors. A family ticket for two adults and two juniors costs £50.