Called out of the closet. (my perspective).

When I was ordained an elder in the United Methodist Church in 1994 in Spokane, Wash., I was asked by my bishop, Calvin McConnell, "Do you trust that you are called by God to the life and work of an elder?" I responded, "I do so trust." It is because I continued to trust that I was called to the ministry that I followed a course that led to my coming out as a lesbian and, ultimately, to having charges brought against me by the church.

In serving as an elder, I found great joy, deep satisfaction, and, finally, a home for my gifts and graces. When, in 1995, I grew to understand that I was gay, it was a very difficult time for me, as I knew that the church would not continue me in the ministry if it were to know what I was coining to accept about myself.

My partner, Meredith, had been an outspoken advocate for gay and lesbian rights before she met and fell in love with me. She was out of the closet in every way--including in her career as a wetland scientist. She was very patient and understanding of my fears and witnessed the gradual erosion of the joy I once felt in the ministry. She worried about the emotional, physical, and spiritual costs of my living a closeted life.

In 1996 Meredith and I bought a home in Seattle, where I had started to serve a new church. We also planned and held a ceremony of Sacred Union that September, conducting it ourselves in the supportive and loving presence of about 60 of our friends and family. I now had two sets of vows, the vows of my ordination and the vows of my partnership. It was becoming hard to reconcile keeping the details of my personal life hidden from the congregation I was trying to serve in truth and trust.

In 1997 Meredith became pregnant, and we sent a sonogram with our Christmas cards with the good news that we were going to have a baby. When our son, Beckett, was 2 months old, Meredith needed hip surgery, and I needed to take leave to care for her and our son while she was recovering. Church officials urged me to ask for leave to study instead of parental leave, but Meredith was adamant that this was a lie people would not handle well. Nevertheless, to preserve my options, I took the study leave. While many in the church sent me off with a wink and offers of help, some were angered by the facade. As the months passed, it was obvious I was hiding something, and layers of trust were peeled away.

I made the decision to leave that church. We sold our home and moved to San Rafael, Calif., where we met the people and pastor of the First United Methodist Church. With them I tiptoed out of the closet a few inches. I found that freedom as wonderful as the sunshine and sea breezes that were always around us in California. I took time to heal from the disappointments we had left in Seattle.

It was with the encouragement of the San Rafael congregation that I decided to challenge the prohibition against homosexual clergy. I wrote a letter to my bishop on Valentine's Day 2001. The Judicial Council that ruled in my case defined a "self-avowed practicing homosexual"--someone forbidden to minister under church law--as a person who admits to having genital sexual contact with a person of the same sex. Charges were brought against me and an investigation begun, seeking to oust me frown my ministry on the basis of this highly reductive definition of my life with Meredith and our son.

Meredith and I are not ashamed of the sexual nature of our relationship. We accept the gift of sexuality as God-given and holy. I shared that with those investigating my character.

Amazingly, the committee with whom I shared Meredith's and my story voted to drop the complaint against me. For the moment, I am free to continue to serve in the ministry. How long that will be true is anyone's guess, as my current bishop, Elias Galvan, is appealing the committee's decision.

I continue to believe that God has called and continues to call to the ministry gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered persons. I do not believe that the God of truth has called these persons to a life in the closet.

I remain faithful to the church, but in its prohibition of homosexual clergy, I believe the church is not faithful to the work of God's spirit.

Still on family leave, Dammann hopes to serve a new congregation soon.