CYBERSPORT : HE'LL MAKE YOU LAUGH, HE'LL MAKE YOU CRY.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

You've been put in charge of booking the next high-profile guest speaker for your Water Buffalo Lodge summer gala. The first question must be: How do I get sports interviewer/vaudevillian Roy Firestone?

A simple search of speaker specialists on the Internet makes this task all too simple. Just get the checkbook ready.

At the Capitol City Speakers Bureau (http://capcityspeakers.com/), Firestone is listed with the $15,000-to-$20,000 guys. But at least he's cheaper than those who seek more than $20,000 - Bob Costas, Mike Ditka, Rick Pitino, Pat Riley and Don Shula.

At Speakers On-line (http://speakers.com), Firestone's fee is more mysterious - it's ``upon request,'' as is Ditka, Merlin Olsen, Julius Erving, or Bill Walsh. Similarly, Firestone is also available at Keppler Associates Inc. (http://www.kepplerassociates.com), but we're not sure for how much.

To his credit, Firestone avoids being listed with the sports speakers at New Information Presentations (http://newinformation.com/) or at Barber and Associates (http://www.barberusa.com). At the former site, he's with entertainers like the Amazing Kreskin, Bowser (from Sha-na-na) and Up With People. At the latter, he's a ``humorist'' with Al Franken and Dave Barry.

We checked one other speaker's bureau, Sports Stars USA (http://sportsstarsusa.com), but he's not among the clients who include Costas, Howie Long, Tom Lasorda, Steve Garvey and Sparky Anderson.

There is, of course, one last place to check: Roy's official site (http://www.royfirestone.com), which appears not to have been updated since 1997. Does that mean we can get him at '97 prices?