COUNTY SEAL SHOULD REFLECT REALITY OF L.A. WHERE ARE THE CLOGGED FREEWAYS, PRISONS AND GRAFFITI THAT DEFINE US?

Byline: Tad Cronn Local View

CONTINUING local government's long-standing tradition of pushing up its nose and making piggy noises at taxpayers, the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors has approved, 3-2, an extreme makeover of the county seal.

Let us overlook the fact that the whole redesign was inspired by the ACLU (Association for Crushing Liberty and Understanding) itch to slap down Christians everywhere, and that the board itself took the opportunity to get enviro-giggles by writing the oil industry out of L.A. history. Let's keep it positive.

If anything, the redesign doesn't go far enough. Here are three ideas for what the new seal should and should not have on it:

--The American Indian woman carrying the bowl of Cap'n Crunch must go. (It's supposed to be acorns, but get real - whom are we honoring, squirrels?) I have great respect for American Indians, and I believe we should return to them all the land under public officials' houses and workplaces that rightly belongs to them. However, I have yet to meet an American Indian woman who wanted to be my waitress.

So, in the spirit of honoring L.A.'s true culture, change her to a transvestite in a fur coat, carrying a bowl of condoms and free needles. For an added homage and apropos touch, add a teachers union button on her lapel.

That river flowing past her feet is a nice feature, but it's missing something: a shopping cart or abandoned car, perhaps.

The squiggly lines behind her that are supposed to represent the mountains should be changed to gridlocked freeways. (The details may be difficult to add, considering how cramped the design is; perhaps just an overturned trash truck and a sign that says ``Valley'' would get the idea across.)

--There's the matter of the cross-free ``mission.'' (I'll skip the obvious question of how you can be free if you have to take down your cross.) The design already looks like a prison, so why not go for it and pick one of our many fine four-star correctional facilities and honor the work they do housing and entertaining such a large segment of county supervisors' constituents? At least add some graffiti.

Someone said the cross-free ``mission'' is supposed to be the backside of the San Gabriel Mission. This suggests another idea. We could combine a tribute to our aerospace industry and the Board of Supervisors with an image of Gloria Molina, Zev Yaroslavsky and Yvonne Brathwaite Burke giving the public a ``moon shot.''

--Lose all the religious symbols, especially the hidden ones. If you've read ``The DaVinci Code,'' and my mysterious mental powers tell me most of you have, then you know that secret messages are best hidden in plain sight. The board is trying to slip by a few zingers.

That Lucky Charms rainbow and stars in the upper corner (it's supposed to be the Hollywood Bowl - yeah, right) looks suspiciously like a crescent and star, the symbol of Islam. Make it a croissant and cup of Starbucks coffee - lipstick print optional.

The cow at the lower right (moo if you've seen a cow in L.A. lately) is clearly a Hindu symbol. Toss that idea in the grinder and put up an In-N-Out burgers sign.

Then there's the fish on the left side - aha! Those troublesome Christians thought they'd sneak one in. It should be that rubber shark at Universal Studios. (Maybe we could show our respect for ol' Bruce the shark by letting him finally eat an actual tram full of tourists.)

Could the Masonic symbols in the top field be any more obvious? Tribute to unions, hah! Show a car nose down in a trench with a sign that reads ``Road work ahead.''

Of course, once we get the seal fixed, the supervisors should turn their attention to the matter of the county's name. It's not bad enough that it's Los Angeles - ``The Angels,'' which could be confused for a baseball team. But the town's full name, folks, is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula: The House of Our Lady the Queen of the Angels of the Little Portion. Gasp! It just screams piety.

I don't know how that escaped the ACLU's discerning gaze. Clearly, we must change our town's name, lest we offend. The new name should be something nonreligious that reflects a secular, culturally liberal point of view that is dedicated to the common good - a utopia of egalitarianism where never is heard an offensive word.

May I suggest Havana?