COUNSELING HELPS CAREER WOMEN RECONNECT WITH THEIR FEMININITY.

Byline: Jane Turnis Colorado Springs Gazette Telegraph

By society's definition, they're successful women - they have good jobs, money, power, prestige.

But even though it looks like they have it all, more and more career women are admitting they feel like something's missing.

``It was an emptiness, at first unconscious,'' said Mary Collins Shields, former chief executive officer of the Shields Corp., one of the largest real-estate agencies in Colorado Springs.

``I began feeling very anxious, very irritable, and I was exhausted,'' she said. ``I was dying inside.''

And she wasn't alone.

In September, Fortune magazine reported the results of a survey of 300 career women, most of whom were managers or executives, and over half of whom earn more than $60,000 annually.

``The extent of their angst was astonishing,'' the magazine reported. ``All but 13 percent said they had made or were seriously considering making a major change in their lives. Almost a third said they frequently feel depressed. More than 40 percent said they felt trapped.''

Most of the women said they didn't have enough of a personal life, and a third said they were bored. And it wasn't a result of sacrificing a family life for a career: Women with and without children felt much the same.

The turning point for Shields was attending a seminar with other successful professional women exploring their feelings and identities. A key part of it was participating in a circle of women who shared their experiences.

``For a week, we sat and told our stories and talked about what it was like to be in the world and in our bodies, and it changed my life,'' she said.

Shields went back to college to study psychology, and opened a counseling practice two years ago.

``I want to make it so women don't have to go through so much pain,'' she said.

Her new work turned her life around - ``I have a great deal more passion for life now,'' she said - and now she's helping other business and professional women turn theirs around, too.

The circle that started it all for her is an important part of her practice, which she intentionally keeps small - 10 or fewer clients at a time.

Biweekly or monthly, groups of local women get together at Shields' office to share the kinds of feelings that they can't show at work.

``There's power in being a business woman,'' she said. ``But it's a risk to show a vulnerable side.''

Unplugging from the cerebral world a bit and plugging into the ``feminine'' aspects of emotions and creativity is essential to women finding their true potential, Shields said.

Women - and men - have learned to deny or ignore that side of themselves because we live in a patriarchal society, Shields said.

In the book ``The Sadness of the Successful Woman,'' Jungian analyst June Singer said the women's movement resulted in many women finding inner strength and then pursuing higher education and more responsibility in jobs.

``But unlike men, they had to make choices,'' she wrote. ``Many women feel they've sacrificed too much for the sake of their identity in the world. They had to do everything that men do and more - because they're still mostly responsible for hearth and home. ... These women are mourning for their lost femininity.''

As Shields explains, ``What's happened is that in order to survive, we started thinking instead of feeling. It's inconceivable that we'd sit around the boardroom table and say, `I feel this,' or cry,'' she said. ``And yet tears are as natural a bodily function as going to the bathroom. We restrict it to the point that we get sick.''

Through group sharing, women are transformed, Shields said. Some take risks and change careers, or start their own businesses. Some pursue a promotion. And some stay in their current career, but function at a higher level.

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Photo: Realtor and psychologist Mary Collins Shields leadsa counseling session with a group of professional women in Colorado Springs, Colo. ``These women are mourning for their lost femininity,'' she says.

Knight-Ridder Tribune Photo Service