COMMENTARY OFFERS NO KICKS.

Byline: KEVIN MODESTI

Since I thought I was relatively up on soccer already, I'm amazed at how much I'm learning by watching this World Cup, such as the part about how a would-be goal-scorer cannot merely knock the ball over the line or slide it inside a post but must Stick It In the Back of the Net.

I used to think Stick It In the Back of the Net was a cliche trotted out for drama and emphasis. As in: Ronaldo, it doesn't matter if he weighs 300pounds, he can really Stick It In the Back of the Net. Or: Mark my words, one of these days, Frank Lampard is going to Stick It In the Back of the Net. Same as: Throw Manny Ramirez an inside fastball, and he'll Rip It Onto Lansdowne Street. Or: Give Shaq the ball in the lane, and he'll Slam It Down Your Throat.

But given that our soccer-savvy ABC-TV and ESPN announcers say it every single time they talk about a potential goal, I've come to understand that Sticking It In the Back of the Net is as essential for a striker as sensitive ankles.

Oh, the things I'm learning.

The first goal of a game is sooooo important.

Analyst Marcelo Balboa has been saying this over and over. And it's a good thing he has, because you'd never know this if you only looked at the facts.

In the first round, by my unofficial count, teams scoring first goals went on to win 31 of 43 games (72.1 percent) and 31 of 37 non-drawn games (83.8 percent); teams scoring second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth goals were slightly more successful, going on to win 52 of 72 games (72.2 percent) and 52 of 60 non-draws (86.7 percent).

Balboa never points out that teams scoring first goals do well because teams scoring any goals are probably the superior teams. He gives us credit for being able to figure that out for ourselves.

All foreign names, from any country, are pronounced as if they were Spanish.

Hey, you can learn German from Berlitz, or you can learn it from ESPN. On SportsCenter, Miroslav Klose became Klosay (rhymes with Jose). And then there's the case of Michael Ballack, pointed out by an e-mailer to the Guardian newspaper's Web site in England.

``Dave O'Brien on ABC has taken to calling the mercurial German captain `Bollock,' a gag which will be lost on Americans,'' the e-mailer wrote. See, in Britain, ``bollocks'' is a mild expletive meaning testicles.

When West and East Germany were reunified in 1990, they became a nation known as The Host Country, Germany.

I kept count during the Argentina-Mexico game of how many times ABC's JP Dellacamera noted that the winner would play The Host Country, Germany in the next round. He said it 782,534 times. Not just ``Germany,'' but ``The Host Country, Germany.'' I got the message after 782,429.

In any second-round game, The Loser's World Cup Dream Will Come to an End. Also, its supporters are going to be real disappointed.

The corollary to the part about the winner going on to play in the next round, this is something that must be unique to soccer, as often as Dellacamera repeats it. It's so much better than, say, the NCAA basketball tournament, where the loser goes on and the winner goes home.

The United States team has a team of world-class players whose World Cup dreams were dashed by idiotic management.

At first, I thought, of course coach Bruce Arena and not the players would get the blame from former U.S. players like ESPN's Eric Wynalda. Because, if the truth were that the 2006 U.S. players were just under-skilled, what would that say about earlier U.S. players such as Eric Wynalda?

Now I realize Wynalda has to know what he's talking about. He is, after all, a member of the U.S. Soccer Hall of Fame.

The only thing worse than hating the sound of your own voice is cringing at the sound of anyone with your own accent.

Someday, the United States will produce a great soccer play-by-play man, just as someday we'll produce a great soccer player. But once you get used to the British announcers' cool intelligence on Fox Soccer Channel, you can't stand the Americans who have nothing to say and never stop saying it, always prattling on about the obvious (``Zidane passes it up the left side as France tries to take the lead before halftime!'').

The English-speaking world's all-time most memorable play-by-play call came in the final moments of England's victory over West Germany in the 1966 World Cup final. England led by a goal in extra time when fans began to run onto the Wembley Stadium field.

``Some people are on the pitch!'' the BBC's Kenneth Wolstenholme said.

``They think it's all over.''

Just then, Geoff Hurst scored to make it a two-goal game.

``It is now,'' Wolstenholme said simply.

In the same circumstance, JP Dellacamera or Dave O'Brien would blurt something like, ``England records an insurance goal and clinches the FIFA World Cup championship. West Germany's World Cup dream ends. Now, we're back to Brent Musburger in the studio.''

But maybe that's how it's supposed to be done. I'm still learning.

heymodesti(AT_SIGN)aol.com

[phone]