COMMENDATION FOR THE RATINGS BOOST.

Byline: Karen Crouse

Memo to: The Los Angeles Lakers

From: The Office of NBA Commissioner David Stern 

Re: Game 5 vs. Sacramento

Greetings, Goliath. David here.

Stern, that is.

I know you have lotus positions to assume, so I'll be brief. I just wanted to take a minute to commend you on going the extra mile (or two games, as it were) for your league.

What a Phil-anthropic gesture, sacrificing a few days of rest to try to grow the NBA's shrinking television audience. It made me teary, seeing you fritter away that five-point, third-quarter lead over the final 12 minutes in Game 3. I nearly wept, watching you check your pride at the barn door in Game 4 in your first-round playoff series against the Kings in the name of building suspense - and with it, viewership.

I didn't want your assist to go unacknowledged. It was so heads-up of you, to recognize the slumping ratings and step up for weak-side help like you did. Next to Allen Iverson rising from his Red Cross cot to lead Philadelphia into the second round, yours was the most uplifting act I've seen all week.

I appreciate your effort, or lack thereof in the case of Game 4. The league's six-pack of games over the weekend was so flat, it was roundly rejected by television viewers. I'm sure you've heard ratings were down 25 percent from last year.

The league's overnight ratings are off 12 percent after the first fortnight. Believe me, I was sweating more than any of you on the court at the prospect of having teams from New York and Los Angeles, the two largest markets, idle for a whole week before beginning second-round play.

Let's face it: Seattle and Milwaukee are sixth-man markets. Their teams are earnest and utilitarian, but you don't want to have to build your playoff coverage around them. So I was pleased - giddy, even - to be able to offer our television audience two additional doses of the sweetest tasting medicine we possibly could have prescribed for our ailing coverage.

I must commend you. It was a nice touch, heightening the drama by allowing the Kings bench to outscore your own 76-19 in Games 3 and 4. It was real subtle letting Shaquille O'Neal's field-goal percentage slip from .625 in the first two games to .409 in the next two.

Now I command you: Put Sacramento away!

I don't think I need to tell you it's time to stop with the ad-libbing and pick up the script right where you left off. In case you've lost your place, that would be at the part where you use an honest effort on defense and an inspired performance by Shaquille to demoralize and demobilize Chris Webber and Co.

They are the eighth-seed, for goodness sakes, not the eighth wonder of the world. This is not the NHL, where a No. 1 seed invariably falls to an eighth seed every year as a matter of course.

Nowhere in my version of how these playoffs are supposed to proceed does it have Sacramento sixth man Predrag Stojakovic grabbing the spotlight. He has averaged 15 points in the past two games after being held to three points in each of the first two.

I'm sure he's a nice fellow, but his name is not headline friendly. Predrag shouldn't be more than a postscript to this series.

If you have to play a zone defense to shut him down, do it. As you've probably noticed, the officials have been quite lax in cracking down on illegal-defense violations.

The way it looked in Game 4, Webber is more likely to get caught for speeding away from Arco Arena than for standing still in the paint, far away from the power forward he is supposed to be guarding but quite near Shaquille, who already has Vlade Divac draped over him like a towel.

The way I figure it, the officials owe you a few make-up noncalls on illegal defense. So take advantage of it to get an extra body on Webber or Stojakovic. If it means letting Jason Williams take wide-open 3s from the 818 area code, as he is wont to do, so be it.

I know I'm not well-versed in the triangle offense. However, I'm pretty sure it's not called that because only three players - Shaquille, Glen Rice and Kobe Bryant - are supposed to take all the shots. They've accounted for 74 percent of your scoring in the series.

I'm no Tex Winter, but I'd say it's time for A.C. Green to mix in a basket. And Robert Horry and Rick Fox and Brian Shaw.

Horry took a total of seven shots in Games 3 and 4, which is less than he did in Game 1 alone. I'm sure your game plan tonight includes kicking the ball out to the perimeter and letting your sharpshooters knock down a few shots so it'll open more space inside for Shaquille.

I trust Shaquille won't let Divac get under his skin. I know Divac's wife is the thespian in the family, but Divac should have to carry a Screen Actors Guild card on the court with him for all the acting he does to draw fouls.

In Games 1 and 2 at the Staples Center, you guys jumped out to leads of six and 11 points, respectively, in the opening 12 minutes. Honestly, a fast-starting offense is the best defense against the Kings' histrionics.

If you jump out to an early lead, it'll take away their breath and bravado, not to mention give the home crowd something to call home on their cell phones about.

Can we talk? The league will take the ringing of cell phones over the ringing of cowbells any day. Let's be honest; the last thing we need in this year of bearish ratings is a second-round series that, as your head coach Phil Jackson so eloquently put it, ``just may be redneck in some form or fashion.''

The NBA is counting on you to live up to your advanced billing. Now go out there and make me scream out loud, ``Yesssssss!'' I know you will.

Your partner in pro basketball promotion,

The Commish