COLLEGE DRINKING DANGER CREATES PARENTAL DILEMMA.

Byline: Nathan Cobb Boston Globe

OK, so you're the parent of a well-scrubbed college freshman. You didn't need last week's death of first-year MIT student Scott Krueger from alcohol poisoning to know that drinking is a major extracurricular activity on many campuses. You're well aware that your child is entering a world where alcohol - including the kind of binge drinking that killed Krueger - is woven deeply into the fabric of student life.

So what do you say to your member of the class of 2001 about drinking?

Many parents still say nothing at all. ``A lot of them feel that if they don't say anything it means the drinking isn't happening,'' says Kimberley Timpf, assistant dean for alcohol and drug education at Boston College. ``And their kids think that if their parents don't say anything, they're showing their approval.''

Like other experts, Timpf believes it's high time the communication lines were opened. After all, ages 18-21 represent the period of heaviest alcohol consumption for most U.S. drinkers, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA). In a 1994 survey, 40 percent of college students admitted to binge drinking - downing five or more drinks at one sitting - at least once within the previous two weeks.

Yet many mothers and fathers feel it's a school's responsibility, not theirs, to deal with the issues of alcohol use and abuse. ``We're not involved in students' lives in every aspect,'' points out Herb Ross, associate vice president for student affairs at Boston University.

So what advice do you offer your son or daughter about drinking in college? Do you just say ``No!''?

Yes, says BU's Ross, if your child is underage: ``We have a (state) law that says no drinking until you're 21. We live in a society of laws. There are consequences. So you have to start by saying, `Don't drink at all.' ''

No, says Linowski-Damon of UMass-Amherst, offering what is the majority viewpoint among several experts interviewed: ``Saying no places all the responsibility on the person (who's drinking), when it's a much larger problem. Besides, if you say no, and they do drink, then it marks them as having failed. And one of the largest psychological factors we see in people who have substance abuse problems is feeling like a failure.''

But if you don't point your kid down the road to abstention, which path do you choose?

Dr. Robert Weiss, clinical director of the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Treatment Program at McLean Hospital, in Belmont, Mass., feels the discussion should cut to the chase and focus quickly on the dangers of drinking. And one of the major dangers, he argues, is that many kids simply don't know how they will react to various levels of alcohol.

``The talking between parents and their children should focus on hazards, and one of the major hazards is the unknown factors,'' Weiss says. ``There are consequences that can happen on any night to someone who doesn't have a pattern of hazardous drinking. Because on any given night, even people who don't drink frequently can get themselves into trouble.''

The emphasis, in a word: safety. It's the issue experts say parents should hammer home the hardest to their college-bound kids - safety from injury, safety from sexual assault, safety even from people they assume are their friends.

``You have to let your child know what your expectations are, but you have to ask them about their own expectations,'' Timpf says. ``You have to ask them, `How are you going to handle it?' If your child is a nondrinker, you have to ask, `How are you going to continue (to abstain)?' And if your child is a drinker, you have to ask, `How are you going to keep it safe?' You have to devise strategies.''

CAPTION(S):

Photo

Photo: The kind of binge drinking that killed a first-year MIT student recently is woven deeply into the fabric of student life; parents must address these hazards with their college-bound children.

The New York Times