COFFEE, TEA OR BANKING FEE?; BIG LENDER'S LATEST GIMMICK TO HOOK CUSTOMERS EXPOSES SINISTER COLOMBIAN CAFFEINE CONSPIRACY.

Byline: JANE ROBISON

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't think I like getting my pants cleaned at the bank.

When a titan institution in the banking industry announced a thrilling new marketing concept - providing Starbucks, dry cleaning and mail service at a few of its quadzillion branch banks - the hairs on my neck stood at attention.

``We are always looking for ways to add convenience and enhance the banking experience for our customers,'' said the grand vice pooh-bah of branch business.

Excuse me? Hello? Aren't these the same capitalist Attila the Huns who pioneered the scorched-earth banking philosophy: one world, one nation, one bank?

And haven't these financial bloodsuckers done everything in their power to gobble up smaller neighborhood banks, close branches and make it harder and harder for me to spend quality time with my cash on the weekends?

And aren't these the same scourges of the free world who have been charging so much in fees to use their ATMs that I'm now contemplating a loan to pay off my monthly bank service charges?

But I'm not bitter. Don't think that I am.

Let's face it, banks are stress inducers. A jolt of java and more starch in my shorts aren't going to alleviate that problem. Not when I'm staring through a bulletproof, Plexiglas wall and wondering when the next soldier of fortune is going to burst through the door.

I must admit, however, that this consumer-friendly about-face by the banking industry has me intrigued.

Remember a few years ago when Mobil Oil tried attracting more customers by having someone clean your windshield and check your oil for free at the self-serve island?

People freaked. Fights broke out. Panic ensued. All because friendly Mobil kids were under orders to be nice and offer service, and customers were naturally skeptical.

My attitude at the pump was: ``Keep your hidden charges. I'll go someplace where they can't understand me and make me wait hours in line while they try to change the cash-register tape. Thank you very much.''

Frankly, I find this new compulsion to cater to customers disturbing.

After years of offering incentives to keep me from showing up in person, encouraging me to bank by mail, bank by phone, bank by ATM, bank online, a very big bank has decided it wants to offer more bank for its buck?

I think it's a ruse.

Powerful forces are at work in the world. I believe it's a high-level conspiracy by the Colombian coffee cartel to place coffee in every conceivable shopping spot in the world. Coffee carts near schools, nail salons, on every corner and even in the air.

It's working. I admit it. I'm a caffeine junkie, and I don't care where my next cup comes from. The urge to sip is so overpowering, I won't book a flight unless I've checked whether a gourmet espresso machine is on board.

I'm not alone. Coffee is flowing like water at the White House. Forget about the Southeast Asian connection. The fund-raising shenanigans by President Clinton are a decoy to take attention away from the ``coffees.''

Think about it. Why did the White House suppress the videotapes of Clinton's coffees with big contributors for so long when they clearly showed Clinton and other Democrats refusing to accept checks and cash from foreign contributors?

Because the tapes reveal the leader of the free world slugging down cup after cup after cup of top-of-the line joe - the smoothest, richest, Colombian caffeine money can buy. The cartel has taken over the White House.

And where were the Clintons all last week? Flying down to Rio, cavorting around South America. Don't be surprised to read Hillary's made a cool $100,000 in coffee futures with a $10 investment.

The mind reels from the implications of a nation hooked on caffeine. A sure sign that the gourmet-coffee craze is on the rise is the number of people with stained teeth, according to the Academy of General Dentistry. Which means, of course, more business for them, more bills for me.

Of course, there is an upside to having a coffee bar in a bank, besides being able to borrow for a pound of premium Jamaican Blue Mountain.

Perhaps it will put a halt to all these bank heists by dramatically increasing the time it takes to rob a bank and a Starbucks. Just try to get a half-caf, decaf, nonfat latte under 10 minutes. Go ahead. Make my day.

OK, so the banks are offering a truce. Fine and dandy. But I can think of better enticements besides cappuccino and a cashier's check.

I'm thinking a manicure, massage and mutual-fund spa package could be just the big-ticket item to lure me back into a false sense of security.