COACHING IMPROVES RELATIONSHIPS.

Byline: VICTORIA GIRAUD

Psychologist Steven Heller, Ph.D., whose practice focuses mostly on couples with relationship problems, calls himself a relationship-success training coach.

Seventy percent of new relationships end in five years, and 50 percent of new marriages end in five years, said Heller, who recently published a book of advice on gaining freedom from what he calls a destructive-relationship syndrome.

``I thought I'd offer something different than what's out there, which is not working,'' Heller explained. ``Relationship gurus are selling lies, such as: You must always express your feelings. That's dangerous. Acting on your feelings is what child molesters do.''

Heller's advice is based on his study of what makes a relationship successful. Healthy, happy couples, he found, take time out when angry feelings become too volatile, before they say something they regret but cannot take back.

There are some consistent aspects of good relationships, Heller pointed out. An important one is ``commonality of purpose,'' he said. Also essential are mutual respect, ``commitment to honesty with grace,'' mutual liking and treatment of the other as a good friend.

Those who individually handle their lives well bring more to relationships, he said. ``They are far more likely to be in a loving, successful relationship,'' Heller emphasized. ``I never met anyone successful who didn't believe in something - not necessarily God; it could be ethical beliefs.''

Heller, who lives in Westlake Village and has been happily married to Susan Heller for 15 years, had his own destructive relationship in a previous marriage.

``I married for all the wrong reasons, . . . crazy expectations. We were not even close to compatible. We had two different visions on how to live.''

His first wife, however, recognized his natural talent for helping people and encouraged him to become a psychologist.

A Los Angeles native, Heller had an early musical career. At 12, he was playing jazz saxophone at a local club on Sundays. By 19, he had tired of the lifestyle: ``Too many friends were hooked on drugs.''

Hypnosis, taught to him by a stage hypnotist, was a consuming interest in his teens. Deciding to try it out in a quiet way, he helped his friends. A relative came to him for hypnosis and was so impressed by the results that she advertised his skill by word of mouth.

He became so successful with hypnosis that it turned into a business. From the mid-1970s until the 1980s, Heller taught hypnosis innovation technique to thousands all over the country.

He still uses hypnosis techniques, teaching people to remember and concentrate on a powerful positive event in their lives and transfer this feeling to improve negative situations. He has been successful with this technique in helping burn patients and patients dealing with operations who could not have anesthesia.

Writing a book is not an entirely new experience for Heller. He was co-author with Terry Lee Steele, Ph.D., of ``Monsters and Magical Sticks - There's No Such Thing as Hypnosis,'' published in 1987.

The new book grew from his patients' suggestions that he write about his philosophy and experience in psychology. ``Some mistakes are repeated over and over. We're not learning; we're running over the same cliff,'' Heller said. ``What I was teaching the individual was universal. They could learn on their own, avoid traps of relationships and find out what to do to change.''

Heller finds his practice fulfilling. ``When I've had a part seeing people turn their lives around and helped change whole lives, that's exciting.''

For information on Heller's book, call [phone].