COACHES' CORNER.

SCOTT OSTLER (S. F. Chronicle), on the most moving retirement ceremony of the year: "In a very quiet ceremony all of the NBA general managers got together and retired Dennis Rodman's phone number."

JIM NANTZ (CBS anchor), reporting on the 19-17 halftime score in the NCAA basketball tournament game between Michigan State and Wisconsin: "The ball kept getting stuck in the bottom of the peach basket, and the janitor couldn't pry it loose in time for the center jump."

BUD GERACIE (San Jose Mercury News), best tongue-in-cheek report of a track event: "For the first time in a year, a Kenyan won the annual Boston Marathon."

TIM TUCKER (Atlanta Journal-Constitution): "Tim McCarver is the only expert who really knows why the baseball is carrying so hellaciously It's because of the deforestation of the Amazon basin down in Brazil."

BERNIE LINCICOME (Chicago Tribune), on Kerry Wood, the Chicago Cub prodigy with the ailing right arm: "Wood is the most celebrated invalid since Venus de Milo. He's only one behind her in the arm department."

NORMAN CHAD (Syndicated columnist), on hockey's problem as a TV sport: "How can you watch a game whose chief area of focus is a tiny piece of rubber that looks like a runaway bread crumb?"

JACK O'CONNELL (Hartford Courant), on Bob Knight's remarkable improvement as a hunter: "He no longer shoots animals. He now chokes them."

JAY LENO (Comedian), after Steve Young received his law degree in 1994: "He's going to become the first QB in history to play three quarters and be able to bill his team for four,"

JOHNNY UNITAS, on his early days in the semi-pro leagues: "There were so few fans in the seats that we had to move the huddle far enough back to prevent the defense from hearing us. And so we could never get back to the LOS to get the play off in time."

RON RAPOPORT (Chicago Sun Times), on the tumult that follows a major league hitter getting his 3,000th hit: "Why does nobody mention the 7,000 outs he has made?"

JON HEYMAN (Sporting News), on the aging Baltimore Orioles: "Maybe they're old and slow, but they got four good DH's."

MARTINA NAVRATILOVA, coming out of retirement to play doubles in the French Open: "My only complaint about Roland Garros is that they still have 18 kinds of dessert and not one vegetable."

MICKEY HERSKOWITZ (Houston Chronicle), on why horse racing is his favorite sport: "Unlike football, baseball, and basketball, the athletes are never arrested for engaging in a knife or gun fight."

DON KING, after a topless dancer in Las Vegas had him arrested for striking her: "I'd like the court to know that my accuser is ranked No. 3 by the WBO."

PAT SUMMIT, after winning a game by 47 points: "We were perfect. Everyone scored and grew at least an inch taller."

BRUCE SMITH, NFL all-star, on how smart Marv Levy used to be: "If he asked me to jump off a 50-story building, I'd do it because I know that he'd figure a way I could land by the time I got to the 30th floor,"

DUFFY DAUGHERTY, after cracking his best jokes at his son's birthday party and not even drawing a grin from the boy asks him whether he ever laughs: "All the time, Dad; whenever I hear anyone say something funny."

BOB RAISSMAN, on why Dick Ebersol refuses to produce drug scandals, dubious money deals, and bribery on the NBC Network: "He already has the Olympics."