CLINTON, WHERE ARE YOU? HOLLYWOOD STARS NEED GUIDANCE.

Byline: Joseph Honig

WHILE Wall Street lays an egg, and armies of accountants scout billion- dollar errors, Hollywood faces a mini-meltdown all its own.

Let's see now, it was just this week that screen legend Tom Cruise, ex- Jersey boy made good, announced America was far too frightening a place to raise his two young children.

You know, what with terror warnings and crime and a sinking stock market, it looks like gates and bodyguards can't make Tom feel safe at home.

``I think the U.S. is terrifying, and it saddens me,'' he told London's Daily Express. Who knew Beverly Hills could be so threatening?

But Cruise's alarm isn't the first territorial tantrum thrown by a movie star.

Remember proud citizen Alec Baldwin threatening to blow the country if George Bush reached the White House? Or similar expressions of discontent from Cher and Barbra Streisand?

And then there was that little matter of Oprah Winfrey refusing our current president's invitation to visit Afghanistan on a goodwill mission.

Face it, moviegoers, we elevate and enrich terribly ordinary men and women who sometimes deride even the basic obligations of citizenship.

Time was that cinema icons like Clark Gable and Jimmy Stewart mixed it up with the enemy during World War II. Imagine Ben Affleck or Matt Damon as Tora Bora dogfaces. Having trouble? I'm not surprised.

Although not that long ago there was an American leader able to command Hollywood like Ike or Patton. Celebrities behaved in his presence. They were rather patriotic. And no one spoke of doing a Jane Fonda with Arafat's fireworks squad.

During Bill Clinton's administration, show business figures couldn't get close enough to their commander-in-chief. They wrote checks. They hugged their silver fox of a president.

They sensed the presence of a bigger and more magnetic star than any in our firmament and they said mostly nice things about America.

No one talked about catching a cab for Australia or the U.K. For whatever reasons - his vaunted slickness, his rakish character - William Jefferson Clinton was president of show business.

The entertainment world needs him back.

Because while Jimmy Carter travels the globe in search of crooked elections and rights abuses, maybe our most recent former president could find the time for his own worthwhile volunteer work: ambassador to show business.

After all, recent reports suggest he hasn't even begun work on that autobiography. And how taxing can it be to speak for a half-hour, collect $150,000 or so and then Gulfstream down to Florida for golf? Not very.

Surely ex-President Clinton has time for some one-on-one counseling with the men and women who make American culture the multibillion-dollar export that it is.

Who knows, maybe he could persuade Madonna to abandon London for, say, Encino. Could happen.

Would dethroned mogul Mike Ovitz have slandered his community's ``gay mafia'' after seeking Clinton's counsel. Certainly not.

With Bubba's private number on her speed-dial, even shoplifting suspect Winona Ryder might have dropped the couture outfits she's accused of stealing.

The truth is, Hollywood helped create the image that propelled a once little-known Arkansas governor to the White House.

His producer friends, Harry and Linda Bloodworth Thomason, not only showed him around, they created the campaign film - remember ``The Man from Hope''? - that introduced Clinton's considerable appeal to his fellow Americans.

So it's one thing for our ex-charmer-in-chief to dine out with pals like Billy Crystal and Rob Reiner. To put his arm around buddies like Streisand and Chris Rock.

It's quite another matter, though, for Bill Clinton to serve and protect the Hollywood that needs his help, the Hollywood whose reputation becomes tarnished every time some spoiled celebrity puts down a script and goes off the page.

Mr. President, we're ready for your close-up.

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Photo:

(1 -- 2) Try to imagine Matt Damon, left, and Ben Affleck mixing it up with Tora Bora militants, like Clark Gable and Jimmy Stewart did with U.S. enemies.

(3) William Jefferson Clinton was the president of show business and Hollywood needs him back.