CLEVELAND CHARACTERS CAN'T CRACK CROOKED CAPER COMEDY.

Byline: Bob Strauss Film Critic

THEY REMAKE the Italian kinda-classic ``Big Deal on Madonna Street'' every couple of decades. This is done - at least on the evidence of one of the rare Louis Malle misfires, ``Crackers,'' and the new, Cleveland-set version ``Welcome to Collinwood'' - to illustrate for new generations precisely why a film with such a slim premise requires the highest quotients of charm and wit to possibly come off.

A lowlife caper comedy of errors, ``Collinwood'' at least boasts an efficient crew of B-level actors (the less-funny ``Crackers,'' for the record, wasted the likes of Sean Penn and Donald Sutherland) and a genuinely hopeless rust-belt atmosphere; the title district is not called the Beirut of Cleveland for nothing. But the main reason why it's called that, because ethnic factions live in hostile segregation from one another there, is totally missing from the screenplay written by the brother directing team of Anthony and Joe Russo. In fact, criminal conspiracies and true romances move so easily across racial and cultural lines in the film that it makes ``My Big Fat Greek Wedding'' look like an apartheid drama.

That's not the only missed opportunity for tension and hard-edged comedy. The Russos, as mentioned, manage to get a few good, character-based laughs out of their ensemble here and there, and some real, loser angst punches through when everyone isn't trying too hard to be funny. But the film's uninspired slapstick does not mesh well with its naturalistic setting and tone, and there is virtually no suspense as a doomed safecracking expedition increasingly falls prey to its perps' abject incompetence.

It's not worth going into too much detail about the characters; the movie doesn't think it is, either, but most of the film's few pleasures lie in how they reveal themselves. Basically, the main conspirators include Sam Rockwell's would-be boxer who can't even last one round with a priest; Isaiah Washington's smartly dressed but destitute ... uh, I don't know exactly what this guy is supposed to be; Michael Jeter's decrepit old crook; Andrew Davoli's gigolo-between-gigs (guessing at that one; press kit says that's what he does, but we never see him dating for dollars); and, most interesting, William H. Macy's broke photographer, who's stuck with really dreadful muttonchops and raising a baby while his wife serves out a prison term.

The women who are semi-in these guys' semi-lives are played by Patricia Clarkson, Jennifer Esposito and Gabrielle Union. Luiz Guzman appears as the very angry crook who gets the whole scam rolling and George Clooney, whose company produced the film, has a few scenes as a physically disabled safecracking instructor whom everyone would be better off not listening to.

As for the big break-in, things go wrong, surprise surprise. Arms are broken, pants fall off, lessons are maybe learned, stuff like that. Again, giving much more detail would rob the filmgoing experience of what limited entertainment value it possesses. And I wouldn't want ``Welcome to Collinwood'' audiences to feel any more robbed than they need to.

WELCOME TO COLLINWOOD - Two and one half stars

(R: violence, language, nudity, drug use)

Starring: William H. Macy, Isaiah Washington, Sam Rockwell, Michael Jeter, Luis Guzman, Patricia Clarkson, George Clooney, Jennifer Esposito, Gabrielle Union.

Directors: Anthony and Joe Russo.

Running time: 1 hr. 26 min.

Playing: Century 14, Century City; The Grove, L.A.; Cineplex Broadway, Santa Monica.

In a nutshell: Inept Cleveland lowlifes screw up a heist. Remake of Italian comedy ``Big Deal on Madonna Street'' doesn't have enough charm or wit to pull it off.

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William H. Macy, left, Isaiah Washington, Sam Rockwell and Michael Jeter star as thieves in ``Welcome to Collinwood.''