CLASH OVER MEMO LEAKS: AN UNLEAKED MEMO.

I AM unable to attend tomorrow''s meeting because I will be in Yorkshire, but I wanted to put down my current thinking.

We are in a big hole. As Peter Mandelson says: "Something has gone seriously wrong - but what is it?"

Surely, it is staring us in the face. Too many self-important people are writing too many memos that rubbish their own party and government.

They should be sacked before they do any more damage with their self-indulgent scribbling. You should start with Philip Gould, the so-called political guru, who did not win you the last election but could lose you the next one.

His long-winded, vacuous advice to you always seems to end up on the front pages of every newspaper in the land. This is the third time it has happened.

It seriously undermines your government and makes the Tories think there is a God after all.

Do you really need to be told, in public, that "We are not strong at the centre"? This is a direct criticism of your leadership. It says you are not up to the job.

Do you want advice that "We have grown out of touch" to be thrown back in your face by Rupert Murdoch''s newspapers?

Mr Gould thinks all of these things, and worse. Apparently he sees you three times a week. So why doesn''t he tell you personally, rather than commit his subversive thoughts to paper for all the world to see?

I tell you why. Because it boosts his ego. It makes him feel a major player. He can boast about being too busy in America to see you.

You should show how strong you are by dispensing with his services. Since he believes in astrology, this will not come as a surprise.

And then take a long, hard look at some of the former SDP wallahs and New Labour fanatics who infest Downing Street. They are nothing but trouble, with their daft ideas and sneering attitude to the party you lead. It''s P45 time!

It beats me why any Labour administration needs the likes of Roger Liddle, Mandy''s bosom pal and an ex-SDP candidate, at the heart of the Number Ten machine. He''s such a twerp he was even taken in by The Observer.

Voters do not trust such political figures. They trust people like themselves, people like John Prescott and Mo Mowlam.

There is too much airy-fairy nonsense talked by highly-paid New Labour ideologists and not enough common sense from the elected politicians.

As one of your own people admits, "the New Labour brand has been contaminated" and invites ridicule. If people don''t know now that Labour has changed, they never will. You should soft-pedal the use of this overworked piece of political advertising, because the punters get tired of endless repetition of something as "new", when obviously it isn''t.

Even your own Overseas Aid Minister Clare Short recognised that yesterday, telling parliamentary reporters that "the New bit isn''t working."

You might even think the unthinkable. Peter Mandelson is a political liability. Nobody likes him. Nobody trusts him. His patronising manner gets up everybody''s back. Sacrificing him now would show just how determined you are to be master in your own house.

Finally, can I give you a bit of personal advice? Go off and have a long holiday. Don''t write any memos yourself because they have a habit of making headlines too.

And leave behind instructions for an end to this self-destructive navel-gazing by your advisers.

While you sit by the swimming pool with the latest Bill Bryson best-seller, think how to turn up the heat on the Tories and convince voters that Labour is the only party that can deliver on schools, the NHS, policing and transport. Be proud of being Labour, instead of appearing apologetic.

I will do my best to ensure that this memo does not get into the press. If it does, I think you should look again at security in Number Ten.

Yours aye, Paul Routledge

Mirror Chief Political Commentator