CITY COUNCIL'S VOTE TO MANDATE TOILET TYPES REALLY STINKS.

Byline: JANE ROBISON

I don't know how to say this delicately, but the council is taxing the caca-doodie out of me.

If I don't install an ultra-low-flow toilet soon, SWAT teams have been ordered to kick in my door and rip me off my water-guzzling throne.

What's next? Toilet paper meters?

Until last week, I faithfully supported every action taken by the Los Angeles City Council because I trusted they had my best interests at heart. After all, they've always behaved like fairy godfathers and godmothers, making wishes come true by waving their wands around.

Now I feel like a home-invasion victim.

This is war!

The council wants to penalize home buyers for failing to comply with their Nazi potty training program. If I buy a new home and don't install the devices, they'll hit me with a 10 percent surcharge on my water bill for a year and bump it up to 100 percent after two years.

If that weren't enough, Consumer Reports tells me that when I want to make stinky, it's best to do it in low-flow toilets that are highly pressurized.

Gravity-flush toilets, the kind that cost under $200, ``paled in comparison, often requiring two flushes to do the same job.''

This is getting ugly. If I don't want methane gas to build up to toxic levels in my house, I have to buy a $900 toilet that blasts waste down the chute.

However, I'm not really comfortable sitting on top of a toilet that could hurtle me into satellite orbit with one bad flush.

In fact, I think they made a movie about this. It's called ``Lethal Weapon.''

Don't misunderstand me. The council's goal is worthy - to conserve our most precious resource, water.

While a normal toilet uses 3.5 gallons of water per flush, low-flow toilets use 1.6 gallons.

A study done in 1992 for the Metropolitan Water District of Southern California determined that an ultra-low flush toilet saves the average single-family home about 28 gallons per day, which would add up to an annual savings of $36 a year in water bills and $48 a year in sewer fees.

However, since the council also recently voted to extend the sewer surcharge fee through the next millennium, I figure I will be paying more for using less, no matter what I do.

I wouldn't feel so dumped on if they did it to everyone.

But businesses and corporations with large amounts of cash and customers whined so loudly, the council said, ``OK, all you people who can afford it don't have to buy them.''

Councilwoman Ruth Galanter, who is championing low-flow toilets, also doesn't want to burden city government by making all city buildings comply with low-flush toilets.

Like I'm flush with cash?

Frankly, I'm surprised the council can't find a few more bucks in their $311 million renovation of City Hall to install loud low-flush toilets for the common good.

If they do, I salute them: ``Bottoms Up, or Butt Out!''