CD gives Peas' rep a black eye.

Byline: Craig S. Semon

COLUMN: TRACKS

"The E.N.D."

Black Eyed Peas (Interscope)

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If the Black Eyed Peas ever open a trendy nightclub chain, they should hang a sign outside that reads, "Leave your brains at the door."

Despite the fact that the Black Eyed Peas' latest, "The E.N.D.," might actually mark the end of pop music as we know it, the title is actually an acronym for "The Energy Never Dies," which is odd because this disc lacks energy, originality and chutzpah.

On the Los Angeles-based hip-hop party combo's fifth disc (and third with Stacey "Fergie" Ferguson), the Black Eyed Peas aim low and hit lower. Lead Pea and producer Will "will.i.am" Adams and curvy, hip-hop chanteuse Fergie take center stage flaunting their financial, physical and liquid assets, while underused rappers Allan "apl.de.ap" Pineda and Jaime "Taboo" Gomez sound as if they are a text message away from being replaced by the Indian and the construction worker in The Village People.

Like his teleportation character in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine," will.i.am bounces all over the place on this combination party record/endurance test but doesn't stay anyplace long enough to leave a consequential mark. Streaming together computerized vocals and canned beats, will.i.am shows how inconsequential the flesh and blood members of the Black Eyed Peas can become.

With 15 brain-numbing tracks just shy of 70 minutes, the big question facing those who buy this bloated and banal disc is "What you gon' do with all that junk?"

Getting the party started with the torturous and tedious, chart-topping single "Boom Boom Pow," the Black Eyed Peas gives us a glimpse into the future. And, let me tell you, it's going to be murder on the ears. After a quasi, hip-hop, quantum physics lesson about the endless, ever-changing possibilities of energy, will.i.am and Fergie, both Auto-Tuned to robotic perfection, take turns singing about how great they are. Fergie chimes, "I'm so 3008/You so 2000 and late/I got that boom, boom, boom/That future boom, boom, boom." If this becomes this year's unofficial song of summer, I can't wait for winter.

The Dutchess delivers a convincing enough Madonna impersonation (circa '83) and even drops the B-word ("borderline") on "Meet Me Halfway." Unfortunately, the track becomes a mixed-up, mash-up with the Madge homage at odds with hokey-sounding hip-hop.

There's a great scene in the "Planet Terror" segment of "Grindhouse" in which Josh Brolin flips over the hollowed-out head of Fergie and gives the medical diagnosis, "No-brainer." He wasn't kidding. On the lifeless "Alive," Fergie sounds as if she doesn't have an original thought in that pretty vapid head

as she aimlessly goes, "Why do I had to lo-lo-lo-lose/Your love your love your love/Your love is what it was" to the melody of "My humps, my humps, my love lady lumps." The laughably bad "Ring-a-ling" might go down in the annals of pop music as the most banal song ever recorded about booty calls (and that's saying a lot). As pleasant as an unsolicited telemarketing call during dinner, will.i.am sounds like a complete ding-a-ling as a low-rent Romeo who delivers.

Not only do the Black Eyed Peas fail to recognize that just because you pummel the word "party" into the ground doesn't make it a party on "Party All the Time," they also make Eddie Murphy's '80 hit of the same name sound like "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,"

On "Electric City," will.i.am declares, "You can get electric shock from my flow." You can get a bigger shock from the song's stupidity. Besides Fergie's out-of-the-blue, half-baked Jamaican accent, apl.de.ap makes a self-serving Muhammad Ali reference ("I'm the thriller of Manila") and Taboo compares his "killer ways" to no other than serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. Now, there's someone you want to be connected with every chance you get.

The Black Eyed Peas call for the brain-dead masses to live in peace and sing in perfect harmony on the sudsy soap box, "One Tribe." First, will.i.am has the dimwitted epiphany of "If I had an enemy/Then my enemy is gonna come and try to kill me/Because I'm his enemy." And, will.i.am's cure to stop racial intolerance? Well, a widespread pandemic of amnesia, silly. Let's hope for a bout of amnesia to forget this lousy record.

Key to the Stars

* * * * ... Hot Stuff

* * * ... Good Job

* * ... Not Bad

* ... Never Mind

ART: PHOTO

CUTLINE: Is this "The E.N.D." of the Black Eyed Peas?