CAUSE AND EFFECT; CHILDREN OF DIVORCE LOOK BACK, FORWARD.

Byline: Mary F. Pols Daily News Staff Writer

Seventeen-year-old Moreen Gotslak likes to put a positive spin on the legacy of her parents' divorce.

First off, their split five years ago means she gets to have two homes, a house in Israel with her dad and one in Sherman Oaks where her mom lives. It's also made it easier to dodge authority, which Moreen's darkly defiant eyes suggest she's quite an expert at.

Being the child of a broken family is no big deal, Moreen says dismissively. With nearly half the nation's marriages ending in divorce, it's practically commonplace.

At Taft High School, where Moreen and her brother Guy, 16, go to school, there was only one girl on this year's cheerleading squad whose parents weren't divorced. As one of Moreen's classmates pointed out, ``It's almost weird for someone's parents to be together.''

But according to Marin County psychologist and divorce researcher Judith Wallerstein, divorce is a big deal for the children of fractured families. And Wallerstein says its impacts are felt long beyond the time when kids like Moreen are storming through adolescence.

Wallerstein spent 25 years interviewing the children of 60 middle- and upper-middle-class families whose parents had divorced when they were very young. She found correlations between the offspring of divorced parents and a whole set of problems, ranging from drug and alcohol abuse to dropping out of high school. (Wallerstein's study has generated criticism because she didn't use a control group.)

Adult children of divorce are generally at a lower socioeconomic level than their parents, have a hard time committing to long-term relationships and a tendency to shy away from intimacy, Wallerstein found.

It's a study that would make former Vice President Dan Quayle proud, implicating broken families as a major contributor to societal ills. As news reports circulated about Wallerstein's research last week, it gave pause to many children of divorce, both adults and teen-agers, who cast a retrospective eye on the impact their parents' bad marriages had on their own lives.

None had as bleak a perspective on the effects of divorce as Wallerstein's research would indicate, but most noted at least some similarities in their own lives.

``Certainly I have trouble with relationships,'' John, 37, says. ``But is it because my parents got divorced? I don't know.''

A writer who lives in West Hollywood, John, who asked that his last name not be used, still has vivid memories of being ashamed when his parents got divorced. He was 11, and in Canada where he lived, divorce was a dirty word. His parents' divorce was the first in his neighborhood, and he and his siblings were instructed not to tell anyone that his father had moved out.

``Remember, this was Calgary, it wasn't Hollywood,'' John says.

His mother remarried when he was in junior high and divorced again when he was in high school. John himself ventured into marriage, but it ended when he realized that he was gay. Since then, he's had one other long-term relationship, but says intimacy remains a struggle for him.

``It's something I deal with all the time,'' he says. ``Intimacy, trusting that things will work out. You get the feeling that it won't work and, by definition, you are writing it into the script.''

He wonders how much Wallerstein's research holds up in comparison to his own family. He and his siblings dabbled in drugs and alcohol, but never had dependency problems. He did finish his education, but is at a lower socioeconomic level than his father. His younger sister is involved in an ugly custody battle with her ex-husband, who accuses her of coming from a dysfunctional family. But John is reluctant to attribute all things negative to his parents' divorce.

``Divorce is just part of it,'' he says. ``Picking out one factor doesn't seem very wise. Growing up with parents who stayed married and are happy is clearly a better thing, but what about all the people who aren't happy but by staying together create a worse scenario?''

For almost all the people interviewed for this story - and particularly the teen-agers - their parents' divorces may have been hard, but they at least provided an end to what had frequently become a battlefield.

``I was glad they got divorced, in a way, because it was so much better for them,'' says 16 year-old Breanna Little, whose parents split up when she was in the sixth grade. ``If it is better for them, it is better for us.''

In interviews, children of broken families seem reluctant to assess blame for their problems on their parents. They might express some resentment over having to fill substitute parental roles to younger siblings, but none lashed out at their parents openly.

``I'm not, like, into the whole school thing,'' says one teen-ager, admitting she wasn't an academic star. ``I don't do as well as all my other friends. I don't seem to care as much. That might relate to my parents in some way, but I wouldn't want to blame it on my parents.''

Children often blame themselves for strife between their parents. When Adriana Coman's parents split up she was 5, she assumed it was her fault.

``I kept on apologizing,'' the 17-year-old says, her voice wavering a little as she remembered the feeling.

But some children of divorce say their parents splitting up actually taught them a lesson about the pursuit of happiness. Alexa Ort, 22, whose parents split up when she was 4, says she won't ever let herself languish in an unhappy marriage.

``I would never want to get divorced, but if it came down to that, and I was miserable, and I thought that my kids were miserable in turn, I would definitely get out,'' she says.

And for Wendy, 40, who also requested that her last name not be used, the example her mother set in getting divorced has helped her get through her own marital breakup. Now she has both a doctorate in social work and fiscal independence.

``In some way, the divorce was a motivating force,'' she says. ``My mother believed that women needed to be independent and she always encouraged me to follow through on school.''

But the image of one family, undivided, remains a tantalizing fantasy for others.

``Sometimes I wish that my father would get a divorce from my stepmother, and my mother and he lived together and we were all happy,'' sighed one Taft student who lives with her dad and has weekend visits with her mom.

For teen-agers, complaints about bouncing back and forth between parents are a common refrain.

``You kind of feel like a ping-pong ball, traveling back and forth,'' says the girl from Taft.

For Simi Valley resident Greg Pum, 31, his parents' divorce in 1978 meant a radical restructuring of his family. His two older sisters moved out at the same time as his dad, and he went from being one of five in a household to being a 12-year-old living with just his mom.

``That's a major difference,'' Pum says. ``There were a lot of struggles there.''

Like one third of those in Wallerstein's Marin County study, Pum didn't finish high school. But it wasn't for lack of interest in learning. ``I had a problem with authority,'' he says ruefully.

Immediately after dropping out, he enrolled at Pierce College and earned an associate of arts degree. Mimicking his parents, who were both alcoholics, he did some hard drinking and wild living. His death-defying acts included riding his motorcycle at speeds of 110 mph - crashing it once while going 95 mph.

A dozen years later, he's finishing up a biochemistry degree at California State University, Northridge, and has been happily married for a year. Deciding to take the plunge wasn't easy, given the example his parents had set.

``I was with my wife for five years before we got married,'' Pum says, ``because I didn't want to go through what my parents went through.''

No one does. Moreen Gotslak narrows her eyes, pushes her bracelet further up her arm and practically growls out her feelings about relationships.

``I don't have boyfriends,'' she says. ``I like doing what I want to do, not what someone else wants me to do.''

She'll wait until she's ``old'' - like her late 20s - before getting married, she says. So will 17-year-old Adriana Coman. So will Breanna Little.

``I want to be with someone a long time so I don't have to go through a divorce,'' Breanna says.

Start with telling children simple truth about split

Developmental psychologist Jane Shatz of Los Angeles, who conducts child custody evaluations for the Superior Court and teaches an eight-week course on parenting and divorce, created the following 13 guidelines for moms and dads struggling to help their kids cope with the process:

Tell your children the truth with simple explanations.

Tell them where their other parent has gone.

Reassure your children that they will continue to be taken care of and that they will be safe and secure.

Spend time every day with each child individually.

Children may feel responsible for causing the divorce. Reassure them they are not to blame. They may also feel responsible for bringing parents back together. Let them know your decision is final and will have to be accepted.

Often, divorcing parents feel guilty and become overindulgent because their children have to go through a divorce. Give your child love and limits.

Your child is still a child and can't become the ``man of the house'' or a ``little mother.'' Continue to be a parent to your child. Seek other adults to fill your needs for companionship.

Avoid situations that place children in the impossible position of choosing between parents.

Don't use your child as a way to get back at your former spouse. Children can be terribly wounded when caught in the ``cross-fire.''

Throughout life, you and your former spouse will continue to be the parents of your children. Pledge to cooperate responsibly toward the growth and development of your children as an expression of your mutual love for them.

A divorce can be a time of loss for each member of the family. You are entitled to reach out for help and support.

Be patient and understanding with your child. Be patient and understanding with yourself.

CAPTION(S):

6 Photos, box

BOX: Start with telling children simple truth about split

Photo: (1) Moreen Gotslak

(2) Breanna Little

(3) Nelson Corneau

(4) Adriana Coman

(5) Greg Pum

(6) Rainbow Alexander-winterhog