CAN'T YOU TAKE A JOKE (AND FIX IT)?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH The Media

Did you hear the one about the guy who went to the neighborhood bar to watch last year's USC-UCLA game, and he brought his dog in because he was so proud about how the mutt did back flips and barked like a maniac every time the Trojans scored a touchdown and ...

Of course you've heard it.

Well then, how about the one where the UCLA Booster Club presented coach Karl Dorrell with a pure-bred Dalmatian, covered with blue and gold spots. It jumps in the air and does the eight-clap every time the Bruins scored a touchdown and ...

Hold on. That's the same punch line as the other one.

Don't get us wrong. It's not that we're against the act of recycling. But given all the creative energy in this city full of screenwriters and backstabbers, is it too much to ask that anyone come up with a fresh, venomous ``University of Spoiled Children'' versus ``You See L.A. When the Smog Clears'' joke in the days leading up to the 75th meeting of the two football teams?

The Internet and sports-talk radio have helped circulate some of the better one-liners over the years. But it's become pretty clear there's a stagnant pool of humor when it comes to revitalizing the verbal jousting between alums, students and all others who have ties to this particular intercity rivalry.

Maybe they're taking this ``Aristocrats'' thing too far, and with less gusto.

``The thing about rivalries in places like Alabama, Florida or Texas is that there's genuine hate between schools, but with USC and UCLA, there are so many other things to fixate on, like Kobe Bryant or Phil Jackson or someone else,'' said Paul Finebaum, a former sportswriter and current sports-talk show host in Birmingham, Ala., who a few years ago churned out a series of successful books under the general title ``I Hate (fill in the school): 303 Reasons Why You Should, Too,'' that are still sold in the USC and UCLA bookstores.

Credit goes to Finebaum for helping establish a current database of rivalry jokes. By creating a template of jokes where he could substitute school names, famous alums, controversies involving particular players or coaches and quirks particular to a campus or a city, Finebaum figured out a way to profit while he fanned the flames of fun-loving hatred that keeps a bite to a rivalry year after year.

Problem is, a joke meant for Michigan-Ohio State suddenly becomes regurgitated for Alabama-Auburn, then Cal-Stanford, and finally USC-UCLA.

Been there, guffawed at that.

Jeff Cesario, the Emmy-winning comedian who makes frequent appearances on ESPN's ``Jim Rome Is Burning'' and has maintained one of the best sports humor Web sites around in Sportalicious.com, figures the sticking point with rivalry humor is that ``students really don't joke much. They have like, finals. The alumni do all the joking.''

Although the University of Wisconsin alum lives in the shadow of the Westwood campus, and his wife is a Bruins alum, Cesario isn't inclined to join in any UCLA-USC rivalry bantering if the best anyone else has to offer is as predictable as the USC fight song.

``Now understand, I'm from Wisconsin,'' Cesario said. ``Our archrival is Minnesota. `Joking' back there takes the form of loosening the front runners on a snowmobile or hosing down someone's driveway right before the first minus-10 degree night.

``In a city where you can get accidentally assaulted for merely pointing with the wrong finger - 'The beach is that way' ... bang! - I find these USC-UCLA volleys almost genteel. They need some punch-up.''

Volunteering himself for the job, and using Finebaum's books as a starting point along with other jokes submitted by Daily News readers, Cesario offers these rewrites of some of the older USC-UCLA jokes in circulation (with his offerings in italic):

-- How do you get a USC graduate off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Tell him you're not looking for a Realtor right now.

-- How do you get a UCLA graduate off your porch?

Tell him there's a sale at CompUSA.

--What does a UCLA alum say to a USC alum? ``Would you like to super-size that order?''

``I don't have Mr. Hanks right now, can I have him return, Mr. Spielberg?''

--How many Trojans does it take to change a tire? None. It's on Daddy's lease program, so they just trade in the car.

Seven. One to work the jack and six to cover him.

--What do USC and UCLA students have in common? They both got into USC.

They both couldn't get into Cal.

--Why doesn't USC have ice on the sidelines? The guy with the recipe graduated.

Snoop Dogg knows all about ice. Ask him.

--What do you get when you drive slowly by the USC campus? A degree.

C'mon. No one has driven slowly by the USC campus since the 1937 Homecoming parade.

--Did you hear about the power outage at the UCLA library? Forty students were stuck on the escalator for three hours.

The state had to truck in two hamsters from Cal State Fullerton.

--Why did USC disband its water polo team? All the horses drowned.

There was a Perrier embargo.

--A Trojans grad and a Bruins grad are on death row. The warden comes to them to ask if they have any last requests.

The Trojan says: ``I'd just like to hear `Conquest' one last time.''

The warden asks the Bruin the same question.

``Kill me first,'' he insists.

Don't touch this joke. This is a great joke. I would personally like to get a hold of some weapons-grade anthrax every time I hear the Trojan band play this ear-assault. That thing's played more often than Tom Cruise flicks at Scientology Movie Nite.

Given this, what can we do to get a few fresh-baked jokes out there?

Finebaum, after re-reading the books he wrote back in the late '90s when John Robinson and Bob Toledo were on the USC and UCLA sidelines, says the nerves he'd try to hit today would probably still involve O.J. Simpson, UCLA's team colors and the vanity of Los Angeles.

One of his suggestions:

--An earthquake ripped through Los Angeles during a UCLA homecoming game and totally destroyed the seats at the South end of the Rose Bowl. Fortunately, no one was injured.

Cesario offers these:

--What does a USC student get when he graduates? A job at Universal Studios.

--What does a UCLA student get when he graduates? A tour of Universal Studios.

--Which school has the tougher running game? USC. It has a rich tradition of cutthroat tailbacks.

-- What does the UCLA football team and a McRib sandwich have in common? Both make nasty comebacks, and leave a sick feeling in your stomach.

For the record, that last one wasn't from Cesario. It was from my 18-year-old son, a freshman at San Diego State.

He used to have this cat that went nuts every time USC beat UCLA in the annual game. He said he's not sure what it would do if UCLA won. The cat is only six years old.

But then, you already knew that.

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Photo:

JEFF CESARIO

Courtesy of Showtime