CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL THE LOVE IN 'HITCH'? UH, NOT REALLY.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

THIS YEAR'S Valentine's Day relationship-killer date movie is ``Hitch,'' an unfocused, interminable effort that starts out OK enough, but then wears out its welcome after it breaks down completely in the third act.

You can almost see the filmmakers flailing their arms, desperately manufacturing contrivance upon contrivance to separate and reunite the movie's unlikely pair.

The film shouldn't actually drive a stake through budding romances, although it won't put anyone in the mood for commitment, either. It's saved from being a complete disaster by the charismatic Smith and a great comic turn by ``King of Queens'' TV star Kevin James. In fact, Smith and James share the best chemistry of any couple in the movie; when ``Hitch'' separates them and sends them to respective would-be lovers, the film's energy flags considerably.

Smith plays the title character, a Manhattan ``date doctor'' who's kind of like the Fab Five from ``Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' all rolled into one. (Except, of course, he's straight. Then again, there is that chemistry thing with James ... ) He gives schlubs the clothes, the confidence and the opportunities to impress the women of their dreams.

Hitch's ultimate project is Albert (James), a timid man who wears white gym socks with loafers and turns mealtime into an adventure in stains. Albert doesn't want just any woman. He wants the beautiful Allegra Cole (Amber Valletta), a celebrity (the nature of her fame is unspecified - think of her as Paris Hilton, minus the porn tape) who is the darling of New York's tabloids.

So there's one chunk of plot. The other involves Hitch's own romantic life, which, naturally, isn't as successful as his matchmaking career. He has his eye on Sara (Eva Mendes), a gorgeous tabloid reporter shadowing Allegra Cole's every move. Sara's preoccupation with Allegra naturally spells trouble for everyone, especially first-time screenwriter Kevin Bisch and director Andy Tennant (``Sweet Home Alabama''), who find it impossible to knit the story's multiple threads together.

Initially, ``Hitch'' deftly avoids romantic-comedy cliches by inventing some clever ways for go-getters Hitch and Sara to interact without resorting to the emotional constipation that typically plagues the lovelorn in these movies. But like a moth to the flame, Bisch can't resist and assigns the character trait ``guarded'' to each of them, although you never believe it for a second.

Then, like the venerable Patches O'Houlihan in ``Dodgeball,'' the filmmakers start throwing monkey wrenches at the various pairings, each time missing wildly and hitting the audience square in the crotch. At least it feels that way. And there is some collateral damage. By the end, it's clear that not only should Hitch ditch Sara, he should sue her. That would have been my happy ending - if they could have pulled it off about 20 minutes faster.

Glenn Whipp, [phone]

glenn.whipp(at)dailynews.com

HITCH - Two stars

(PG-13: language, strong sexual references)

Starring: Will Smith, Kevin James, Eva Mendes, Amber Valletta.

Director: Andy Tennant.

Running time: 1 hr. 56 min.

Playing: Wide release.

In a nutshell: Unfocused and too long.

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Photo:

Will Smith, left, tries to school Kevin James in the ways of wooing the women of Manhattan in ``Hitch.''