CALL '98 OSCARCAST `AS LONG AS IT GETS'.

Byline: Keith Marder Daily News Television Writer

Two awards into the 70th annual Academy Awards, the broadcast hit an iceberg. Unfortunately, it was foreshadowing of almost four dreadful hours to come.

At three hours, 47 minutes, this was even long by Oscar standards, beating out the 1984 broadcast by two minutes.

After rolling out the Best Supporting Actress and Best Costume awards, they made the mistake of bringing Michael Bolton on stage to perform Best Original Song nominee ``Go the Distance'' from ``Hercules.''

The TV audience probably headed off for a leisurely bathroom break - and they had plenty more chances throughout the often tedious broadcast - as Bolton's singing brought Billy Crystal's opening-act momentum to a screeching halt.

Crystal, the best Oscar host since Johnny Carson, got things off to his usually energetic start by splicing himself into memorable clips from nominated films. He got peels of laughter for ``Titanic,'' where he posed nude a la Kate Winslet as Leonardo DiCaprio painted him. And then, in the audition scene of ``The Full Monty,'' dropped his pants and humbly asked, ``Too Jewish?''

The actor's quick wit remains the reason to stay tuned for the annual parade of gold statuettes. But even Crystal seemed a bit bored at times this year, just going through the motions.

The impromptu moments were easily the most fun. Face it, people like to see Hollywood with its guard down. Every once in a while, an Academy Awards show will offer up some raw emotions, interesting insight and unrehearsed reaction.

There was Jack Nicholson, watching through rose-colored sunglasses, blowing a kiss to his ``As Good as It Gets'' co-star Helen Hunt as she accepted the Best Actress award. (Nicholson later won for Best Actor and took off the shades.)

There was ``King Kong'' femme fatale Fay Wray, sitting in a better seat than James Cameron, completely taken aback by the unexpected spotlight on her movie role from 65 years ago.

There was Cameron reacting to Crystal's line that a clip shown of ``Titanic'' cost $15 million. ``That's about right,'' appeared to cross his lips.

Easily the sweetest moment of the show easily was director Stanley Donen's song-and-dance acceptance number for his honorary career-achievement Oscar. It was long, and it was worth it. Kudos for proper restraint for keeping the band from chasing him from the stage with that rude move-along-now song.

The look back at 70 years of Oscar awards shows was a well-produced memory-inducer that is worthy of any time capsule. It was a funny, touching and tightly wrapped present. But an earlier review of the 70 Best Picture winners was too brief and lost its impact.

And there was no excuse for burning 12 minutes introducing 70 past winners toward the end of the show. It was like a third-grade roll call with no payoff.

Political humor, in the year of ``Wag the Dog,'' was at an all-time high.

Crystal quipped that ``a year ago, the White House was complaining that there was too much sex in Hollywood. A billion people are watching this - except Linda Tripp, who's taping it. Is it just me, or does she look like Michael Caine in `Dressed to Kill'?''

In a bit on celebrities' favorite movies, he joked that first lady Hillary Clinton went for ``Conspiracy Theory,'' and White House investigator Kenneth Starr favored ``I Know What You Did Last Summer.''

But for a show as well-prepared and -rehearsed as the Oscars, there were far too many duds. The pacing was awful. And Madonna, dressed like Conan the Barbarian, looked like she needs new conditioner.

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PHOTO An always-funny Billy Crystal has some more fun at the 70th annual Academy Awards show Monday night at the Shrine Auditorium.

Terri Thuente/Daily News