Bush appoints Pad Nanny.

WASHINGTON DC -- President Bush today appointed Jason Duddly as the official US Homeland Pad Nanny. This position involves enforcing compliance for all of the nation's skatepark pad rules. During the commencement ceremony (complete with well-protected kiddies), Bush detailed why Duddly was the man for the job.

"Being a pad nanny requires a keen eye, compassion, and a willingness to scream at 12-year-olds for only having one wrist guard on," said Bush.

Duddly wasted no time establishing himself as Chief Nanny and, to some observers, he seemed to be getting off on his new-found power trip.

"I'm going to demand full pad compliance, coast to coast," Duddly asserted. "I call it Elbow, wRist, kNee, Head. Or as I like to say 'You have to E.R.N.H. your fight to skate.'"

And as for wearing cut-up socks as fake pads or complaints from skaters in their 20's and 30's that they're able to make their own decisions? Well, Duddly's first piece of legislation makes all pad offenses a felony.