Build a bright future for your child: laying the foundation for self-esteem at home and school.

All parents want good things for their children later in life-financial freedom, a meaningful career, the respect of those around them. They hope their kids will grow up to be capable individuals who can stand on their own, work toward worthy goals, welcome challenges, and enjoy the ability to give and receive love--all with confidence. The good news is that parents, along with teachers, can help make those dreams come true. But they have to act now!

Self-esteem is that hard-to-define attribute that often means the difference between success and failure. Children who grow up believing in themselves--in their abilities and goals--have a much greater chance of finding happiness and self-fulfillment later in life.

Dr. Frank J. Moncher, assistant professor of psychiatry and health behavior at the Medical College of Georgia, explains that the key is for parents to discover their child's strengths and then help him or her enjoy successful experiences centered around those strengths. "You should praise them for what they do well and avoid being overly critical with them for what they don't," Moncher advises.

Experts agree that parents should never belittle children with derogatory remarks. Child development specialist Mona Schuster states that humiliating a child "may get a quick result, but usually generates a negative long-term effect." She adds that when used repeatedly, negative comments such as "you're stupid" become incorporated in the child's view of himself. The child begins to think that it's true and, eventually, loses enthusiasm for attempting new activities.

Sarcasm, criticism, and labeling tear down a child's self-esteem. On the other band, hearing words of praise, getting full attention, and receiving those all-important "I-messages" (how the child's behavior makes the parent feel) all help to build self-esteem.

Gay Eastman, director of the University of Wisconsin-Madison Extension School Readiness Project notes: g Parents should praise children for taking risks and exerting effort--skills that lead to a life-time of learning. Praising children for specific actions--admiring their penmanship on a report or the colors used in a picture--shows your children that you are paying attention to their efforts."

Schuster underscores this idea of specificity. She points out, "Recognition and praise must be sincere and specific to have a positive effect. Young children can perceive insincerity."

Positive Reinforcement 

When parents pay attention to a desired behavior, they help to reinforce it. Thus, according to author Elizabeth Crary (Magic Tools for Raising Kids), when a child is doing something positive, a parent should comment on it and reward it. For example, when a child hears, "I really appreciate it when you are kind to your little brother," eventually that child will internalize the feedback--I am kind to little children.

Conversely, if a child is doing something that needs redirecting, the parents call correct the child by delivering a clear "I-message." Crary suggests that a parent say to a child, "'I feel disappointed and disrespected when you don't do your homework.' The child gets very specific information on what behavior is wrong instead of general criticism of his/her character."

Likewise, Crary reports that the child who forgets to bring his home work to class will most certainly experience a consequence. He must face the teacher. When consequences happen in a fair way, the child learns to be more responsible for his own actions. "But, when consequences aren't part of a child's daily routine," emphasizes Dr. Moncher, the boy or girl "doesn't really have a sense of who they are. They think, 'I can do anything.'" That's when life steps in and starts delivering its brand of aftereffects.

This situation can be avoided in two ways. First, Dr. Moncher advises parents to "limit children's activities at an early age to instill a sense of security." Second, he suggests that spending "time with children at any age encourages strong parental relationships while promoting self esteem." This time should ideally be fixed.

Schuster takes this concept one step further. She believes that while parents should spend time with their children, they should bear in mind their child's capabilities. "Mastery and success may he achieved by having realistic expectations for the child's developmental level and ability." At-home activities that promote feelings of self-worth, especially in young children, include playing games, working on creative art projects, or recreating a story with props.

Making the Grade

"Focus on each child's efforts," advises Eastman. This point is especially true when school is involved. Parents need to focus "on the time spent studying, the initiative taken, rather than the letter grades When you emphasize the grades over the learning process, you can produce anxiety in children that can lead to a dislike of learning. Even if a child gets good grades, he or she may be wondering what will happen if the next report card isn't as complimentary. Praising grades sets up a fear of failure, even in children who are high achievers."

A parent can express concern over grades in a way that makes the child feel like morn and dad are truly concerned about her as an individual Eastman suggests saying, "'I'm disappointed in your grades What would help you do better?' rather than, 'You aren't very good at math.'"

Eastman adds, "Paying for grades or offering another type of expected reward is really bribing kids to do something they should want to do anyway--learn and do their best Bribes can undermine a child's motivation for learning and their internal drive. However, that's not to say that if a child works hard, you shouldn't reward them. The best way to do this is to celebrate with them. Having a special meal or some fun outing together could be a nice way to acknowledge your child's effort and initiative. But, the celebration should focus on your child's effort, rather than the grades."

When children do experience difficulty in learning, Eastman urges parents to "work with teachers and school staff to set up a reward system that's consistent, one that the child really likes."

Learning to Accept Yourself

In this respect, says Robert B. Brooks, Ph.D., and author of The Self-esteem Teacher, teachers have a tremendous role to play. He claims that "reinforcing self-esteem in the classroom is associated with increased motivation and learning. A focus on self-esteem can create a more exciting, satisfying teaching environment."

In his seminars, Brooks asks teachers to recall both positive and negative memories of their own schooling, thus helping instructors realize the significant and lifelong impact they have on their students. He states, "as the memories of teachers suggest, self-esteem strategies involve helping students feel they belong and are welcome, providing responsibilities through which they perceive themselves as contributing and making a difference (such as tutoring younger children, helping take care of school plants, etc.), offering opportunities to make choices and decisions and solve problems, and communicating encouragement and positive feedback."

What works in the classroom, works in the living room. Children who believe that they are an important part of something worthwhile, who carry responsibilities, who are given opportunities to maintain and enhance the secure atmosphere of home and school grow up believing that anything is possible. Such a belief builds confidence. Such confidence builds self-esteem.

Deborah Rubin Fields writes from Jerusalem. Israel