Bring out the best in your family.

JANE RIGGS, of Phoenix, Arizona, is a single parent who is fiercely proud of her five children. "They are 11 to 14, four girls--one set of twins--and a boy," she explains. I've kept them involved in all kinds of activities: choir, band, sports, chores at home. They attend church with my father every week. Their grades are good, and they have aspirations of attending universities. That will be tough for a single parent like me to afford, but we'll manage."

The Riggses' managing skills were recently put to a powerful test.

Jane's 75-year-old father had two femoral bypass surgeries. One became severely infected, resulting in a longer than-expected hospital stay.

When he was released, doctors recommended placing him in a nursing home. His leg had to be flushed every four hours, and his IV changed every eight hours. It meant around-the-clock nursing. "I work 10 to 14 hours a day, but I just couldn't put Dad in a home, and my kids wouldn't hear of it either," Riggs says.

So the family put their heads together and came up with a plan. Fourteen-year-old Elizabeth packed up and moved into her grandfather's house, where a nursing service taught her how to take care of him. Sisters Kit, Kate, and Ashley rode their bikes over daily to wash, cook, clean, shop, or do anything else which was necessary. Michael, the 11-year-old, mowed the lawn. All of the younger children took turns watching TV or visiting with their grandfather so their big sister could get some rest. "Their entire summer was devoted to taking care of the only man in their life. They skipped going to the movies, swimming with their friends, visiting the mall, attending slumber parties and birthday parties, and everything else kids do in the summer. I was so proud of my children," Riggs adds.

Strong, healthy families know how to work together for the common good. Often the test of their resolve comes when there's a crisis. Under trying circumstances some families pull together, while others pull apart.

To help assure that yours is a "pull together" type of family, consider these guidelines for bringing out the best in your home:

1. Always keep lines of communication open. During preparation of her book, Traits of a Healthy Family, author Delores Curran surveyed 551 families. Responding to an extensive questionnaire, those individuals shared with her their insights on what makes for a healthy family. "Communicating and listening was chosen as the number one trait found in healthy families by my 551 survey respondents," she notes. They indicated that without communication, family members don't know each other. If they don't know each other, then the level of caring for each other diminishes considerably. "Communication is at the top of the list because it is basic to loving relationships," Curran says. "It's the energy that fuels the caring, giving, sharing, and affirming. Without genuine listening and sharing of ourselves, we can't know one another. We become a household of roommates who react rather than respond to one another's needs."

So, always keep lines of communication open with children. And, when they speak be an active listener--that is, one who puts things together, understanding the feelings behind the words. When your children are truly heard, problems shrink considerably and parental influence soars.

2. Be involved with your children. Every child needs a strong attachment between parent and child. Playtime, physical contact, and conversation produce an emotional investment, which yields positive results. Never allow work demands, the shortage of time, or the general stresses and strains of life to keep you from being closely involved with your children. Strong and vibrant families emerge only when parents take an active interest in their children and their concerns.

A good example of this kind of involvement comes through the life of actor Michael Clarke Duncan. Although he is enjoying immense success from his roles in The Green Mile and Planet of the Apes, Duncan grew up on the rough South Side of Chicago in the 60s and 70s. After his father left home, Duncan and his sister, Judy, were raised single-handedly by their mother, Jean. Although she was a single parent whose discretionary time was limited, Jean took an active role in the lives of her children.

"My mother taught me how to play baseball, how to ride a bike," Michael says. "She would come out and bat with us. I used to be embarrassed. I was like, 'Mama, nobody else's mother will do that.' I didn't realize that nobody else's mother could do that," he adds.

Jean Duncan also taught her son the importance of legible handwriting, pressed clothes, and holding doors open for women. She warned him about drugs and alcohol, pointing out that the neighborhood losers were addicted to both. "I've never tasted a beer, smoked, or gotten high. Cranberry juice is as crazy as it gets for me," he says.

3. Apply discipline with wisdom and compassion. The Bible reminds parents: "Do not exasperate your children" (Ephesians 6:4). When discipline must be applied, healthy and strong families apply discipline with wisdom, maturity, and compassion. The correction applied is constructive rather than destructive. They know the objective is to rectify improper behavior rather than to humiliate a child. The end result leaves the family strengthened, not weakened.

In his book, Single Parenting From a Father's Heart, Steve Hornet shares an incident which took place when his son, J.J. (Joseph James) was 9 years old. Horner, a Minnesota resident, remembers it was New Year's Day, and a fresh snowfall made for ideal snow-mobiling conditions.

"My 1970 Polaris Charger is a rare model that Sears sold for only one year before dropping out of the snowmobile business. I had kept it in immaculate condition and was proud of it," he explains. During the course of the day Horner gave children rides and let adults drive it on their own. Late in the afternoon he asked where his son, J.J., was. He learned that he was giving a friend a ride on the snowmobile. "I was frantic," he recalls. "J.J. isn't supposed to drive the snowmobile by himself, much less give someone else a ride."

After a quick search, Horner spotted his son and friend with the snowmobile across a cornfield at the edge of a row of trees. "As I ran through the snow, I was concerned that the kids might be hurt. My second concern was J.J. disobeying a standing order not to drive the machine alone. My third concern was that my beautiful, cherished snowmobile might be smashed."

As he approached the boys, it became evident that they were not hurt. However, J.J., in an attempt not to get bogged down in deep snow, accelerated the snowmobile. Quickly losing control, he smashed head-on into a tree. "The chrome bumper was mangled, as well as the fiberglass hood covering the engine. It was a mess," Horner laments.

The frustrated dad told his son how he felt and listed the many reasons why he shouldn't have been driving the machine. When they got home, J.J. was sent to his room. "The next morning, I drew up a plan to make this lesson memorable. We were going to fix the snowmobile, together." Over the next few weeks, J.J. and his father faithfully worked at straightening out the bumper, rechroming it, and repairing the hood with new fiberglass. "J.J. spent many hours sanding the fiberglass until it was smooth and ready for paint. He didn't complain once. I think he realized he was getting off relatively easy and, besides that, he was enjoying the fruits of his labor. I was proud of the way he stuck with the job until it was finished. He had learned a valuable lesson in perseverance," his father says.

4. Allow children to suffer and learn from their mistakes. "Parents in competent families tend to allow their children and themselves to experience the cost of irresponsibility more easily than parents in other families," notes Dolores Curran. She stresses that competent parents allow children to suffer the consequences of their actions. "If a library book is lost through carelessness, they insist their children make restitution out of their own allowance. If children offend others because of their behavior, they--not the parents--do the apologizing. If a major homework paper isn't turned in on time or someone is tardy at school, the students face the consequences in the form of a lower grade or after-school penalty; they don't expect their parents to come up with an excuse to soften the teacher's reaction."

5. Practice the fine art of seeking and extending forgiveness. Parents and children are bound to disappoint and hurt one another from time to time. These small hurts can fester and grow into large resentments, which can destroy mutual trust and respect if not dealt with. Be a family that practices the art of seeking and extending forgiveness.

Christian psychologist James Dobson provides a personal example of this in his book Solid Answers. "A number of years ago I was burdened with pressing responsibilities that fatigued me and made me irritable. One particular evening I was especially grouchy and short-tempered with my ten-year-old daughter," he writes.

"Through the course of the evening, I blamed Danae for things that were not her fault and upset her needlessly several times. After going to bed, I felt bad about the way I had behaved and I decided to apologize the next morning.... I approached my daughter before she left for school and said, 'Danae, I'm sure you know that daddies are not perfect human beings. We get tired and irritable just like other people, and there are times when we are not proud of the way we behave. I know I wasn't fair with you last night. I was terribly grouchy, and I want you to forgive me.'" Immediately his daughter placed her arms around him saying: "I knew you were going to have to apologize, Daddy, and it's OK; I forgive you."

By cultivating these types of bonding traits, the individual members of a family melt into a solid team eager to provide love, security, safety, friendship, and comfort. Then, when other relationships weaken and when life becomes a battle, it's the family that becomes an oasis of hope amid life's unrelenting dilemmas and difficulties.

Victor M. Parachin, M.Div., writes from Tulsa, Oklahoma.