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Brian Reade's Column: Forget the mutant veg .. it's this outbreak of celebrity chef disease that's got me really scared.

I AM as sympathetic to this latest food scandal as I would be to Anthea Turner Anthea Millicent Turner (born May 25, 1960 in Stoke-on-Trent)[1] is an English television personality. Career
Anthea's move into television was through Sky Channel (UK) presenting live music programmes from July 1986 - 1989.
 if she ran past me with her hair on fire due to exposure to too many TV studio lights.

And there are two reasons why.

First is that one of the groups behind the great GM scare is Friends Of The Earth. Hippies who call road-builders rapists, then live up trees believing they are doing the environment a favour, when all they are doing is making the trees itch.

If I was the Earth I would be suing them for daring to call me their friend.

Crucially, their ludicrous scaremongering about mutating soya beans is distracting us from the real scandal in our food industry today - the explosion of celebrity cooks on TV, in newspapers and magazines, extolling the virtues of trendy, healthy, yet ultimately unobtainable food.

And their pretentious out-pourings have made us all mutate mu·tate  
intr. & tr.v. mu·tat·ed, mu·tat·ing, mu·tates
To undergo or cause to undergo mutation.

[Latin m
 into vegetables who feel we are unsophisticated swill-eaters unless we trawl trawl - To sift through large volumes of data (e.g. Usenet postings, FTP archives, or the Jargon File) looking for something of interest.  around Sainsbury's looking for Looking for

In the context of general equities, this describing a buy interest in which a dealer is asked to offer stock, often involving a capital commitment. Antithesis of in touch with.
 ingredients for polpetti.

That's meatballs to you.

These are the real Baron Frankensteins who are making fortunes by unleashing a desire in people to eat above their station.

Look at the motley collection of Hammer Horror clones who pop up on TV with a spatula spatula /spat·u·la/ (spach´u-lah) [L.]
1. a wide, flat, blunt, usually flexible instrument of little thickness, used for spreading material on a smooth surface.

2. a spatulate structure.
 in their hands: Two Fat Ladies This article or section reads like a and may need a .
Please help [ to improve this article] to make it in tone and meet Wikipedia's .
, Gary Rhodes, Ainsley Harriott, Anthony Worrall-Thompson, Rick Stein and Keith Floyd.

All are former humans injected with a rare bullshit gene which turns them into obnoxious mutants speaking in a strange language.

They have stopped us going to the chippie chip·pie  
Variant of chippy.
 and the butcher's and made us go on vain searches for exotic objects such as wilted rocket, orange Venezuelan chillies and parmigiano reggiano to stuff up a quail's jacksie Jacksie - Alternative spellings - Jacksy, Jaxie, Jaxy - British slang meaning buttocks or anus References
Collins English Dictionary [1] october 2007

And scientists have not studied the long-term effects on humans. But the short-term effects are horrific enough. People are suffering acute anxiety attacks for not knowing their Es from their elbows, we are becoming illiterate because the only literature read is on the side of boxes in fridges and our children are growing up thinking food is something you can only talk about in Italian.

Tony Blair is right to dismiss this non-scandal. But he must urgently set up a task force to stop the ugly virus of celebrity chefs spreading any further.

Ask yourself this question: Would you rather be force fed mutated burgers and risk turning into a member of the Munsters, or eat Floyd, the Fat Ladies and Rhodes and turn into an alcoholic elephant with a head that looks as if it's just met a ghost?

Think about it.
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Title Annotation:Features
Author:Reade, Brian
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Feb 18, 1999
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