Brand USA.

Like the new Pope and the old Pope, Bush claims to be a missionary for the "culture of life." Although when he was governor of Texas, he oversaw the execution of 136 people on Death Row. Must be a recent convert.

Then there was President Bush signing the bill making bankruptcy more difficult to qualify for. Sending the message to Americans that if you want the government to bail you out, you'd better be a large corporation.

The Republican House cleared the way to permanently eliminate estate taxes on the wealthy dead, even though those monies could make up one quarter to one half of the estimated Social Security shortfall. But isn't it nice to know all the wealthy dead will be happier now?

I did enjoy Bush's appointment of Karen Hughes to be his extra special super secret adviser whose mission, should she choose to accept it, is to repair the image of the U.S. overseas, particularly in the Arab world. What are they code-naming this mission, Sisyphus? As my daddy always said, "No matter how many ducky feathers you glue to a tank, you're still not going to get invited to swim in many inflated pools."

It'll be interesting to see what measures Ms. Hughes takes when she finds out the problem isn't so much our lousy public relations but our lousy foreign policies. You want to improve America's image, I'll tell you how to improve America's image: Put a leash on Rumsfeld.

But the Spinmeister General is going to need a little help. OK, she's going to need a lot of help. An aircraft carrier group of help. So I'm volunteering these snappy slogans, in the interest of patriotism. Gratis.

Don't thank me, I'm here to help.

* When Democracy Reigns, It Pours.

* America: Just a Big Red White and Blue Teddy Bear with a Whole Lot of Guns.

* Snap. Crackle. Pow. Thud.

* Be All We Think You Should Be.

* Tastes Great. Less Torture.

* They Don't Call Us the GREAT Satan for Nothing.

* America 2.0. Now with Improved Press Suppression.

* What's So Bad About Bread and Circuses Anyway?

* Don't Like Us? Get in Line.

* Badges, We Don't Need No Stinking Badges.

* Friendly Fire "R" Us.

* You Keep the Sand, We'll Take the Oil.

* I Can't Believe I Invaded the Whole Peninsula.

* Don't Leave Home Without It. No, Really. Stay in Your Homes.

* Aren't You Glad You Use a Free Market Economy? Don't You Wish Everybody Did?

* We're Everywhere You Want to Be. Deal with It.

I'd say the Democrats are afraid of their own shadow, but I'm not sure they actually cast one these days. Then again, you'd have to pull your head out of your butt in order to see a shadow, wouldn't you?

In an attempt to appear less obstinate, House Democrats have decided to quit announcing they refuse to negotiate Bush's plan to privatize Social Security.

This doesn't mean a change in their policy. It's just from now on, mum's the word. Now, that's leadership.

Will Durst is a comic who believes that since Major League Baseball returned to the nation's capital after an absence of thirty-four years, it's about time for scruples, ethics, and a sense of duty to follow suit.