Bound for Baghdad: heading to Iraq, Cameron, age 22, reflects on leaving behind his boyfriend and the dangers he'll face.

I joined the Air Force at age 19, right after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. When I signed up, I told my recruiter that I was gay. Would it be a problem? He said no--as long as I didn't talk about it. On the portion of my paperwork that asked if I was a homosexual, I checked the "no" box.

Now I see just how much "don't ask, don't tell" affects gay soldiers.

In April, I will leave for a six-month tour in Iraq. Until now I've worked and have been receiving specialized training at a base in the United States [The Advocate agreed not to print Cameron's last name.] My job in Iraq will be to help locate explosive devices left by the insurgents. They prefer to leave explosives in vehicles, but my unit will also be charged with uncovering their weapons and explosives caches left elsewhere.

The hardest part will be not being able to see my boyfriend every day. We've been together a year, and I don't even know if we'll be able to write letters to each other. Can you get a letter from your boyfriend if you are serving in Iraq? I don't know how that works. In some instances the military can read your mail. I will also have limited telephone access, and when I do call home, I will be surrounded by tons of people. So much for any private moments.

I was, ran, and remain out to my family and my friends, and the only time I play straight is at work. I'm definitely living a double life, like in those movies on the Lifetime network--a man has two households, and neither knows about the other. That's how I feel at work. You work so closely with all these people, but they have no idea who you are.

As my time to leave gets closer and closer, my boyfriend is taking it worse and worse. But he's a trouper, and I hope everything will work out. We care about each other quite a bit, and even if it means we have to write letters in code, assigning him a woman's name, we'll do it to keep in touch.

I probably would not have signed up if I had realized how it would be, but for different reasons than one might think. You work side by side with people, develop close relationships, and really care for them, but are required to live a lie--or, at the very least, hold back from them what you're doing on the weekends or where you're going. But I made a commitment. I have a six-year contract, which is required for people who are in my job field. For me to fall short of that commitment would be cheating myself. I am scared. The situation is dangerous.

When I get out of the military I plan to focus on changing "don't ask, don't tell." I love my job, and that policy is the only reason I won't reenlist. I want to save people's lives; it's a great feeling of accomplishment. It's just too much of a sacrifice of my personal life to live in the closet.

As told to Sarah Wildman.