Book excerpt: Bon Appetit, Baby! The Breastfeeding Kit. (Media Reviews).

by Elaine Moran, Treasured Child Productions, [C] 1999, 831-728-1553, www.BonAppetitBaby.com (Artwork and text reprinted with permission of the author)

Words of Support for the Breastfeeding Mother

Call it a clan, call it a tribe, call it family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

Jane Howard 

Breastfeeding is one of the most natural things a woman can do, yet most women need help getting started. Deciding to breastfeed is an undertaking that requires a certain level of commitment and determination, and it can be a difficult endeavor if you don't have positive support from those around you--especially during the learning period. Don't be afraid to ask for all the assistance and support you need during the early weeks of nursing. The most important thing you can do during this time is to try to surround yourself with people who believe wholeheartedly in your decision to breastfeed and are able to offer encouragement, support, and practical help.

Your partner's help and support will be extremely valuable to you during this time. You will look to him for encouragement and reassurance as you learn the art of breastfeeding. Realize that this transitional period can be a very challenging and emotional time for both you and your partner. As you each adjust to your new roles and responsibilities it is important to treat each other with kindness, respect, compassion, and understanding (even if at times you don't feel like it--you need each other!). By becoming partners in parenting you will be working toward a common goal: raising a happy, healthy child. In achieving this goal you will strengthen your relationship and you will develop a new level of love and respect for each other. Parenting, like life, is full of uncertainties. The best approach to take is to communicate with each other, be open to change, and learn to respond to whatever comes your way.

... During the early postpartum weeks you may find that your maternal bond with your baby is very strong, and you may be hesitant to share the baby care responsibilities with anyone else. But it is important to step back and allow your partner to begin to develop his own special relationship with his child. Too many fathers feel left out of the family picture from the very beginning and have a difficult time recovering. Many new mothers are so exhausted after pregnancy and childbirth that they feel "it's just easier to do it myself," rather than take the time and energy to explain to someone else what needs to be done. It's true, it is easier at that particular moment, but in the long run you will end up being the only one who can do it! Give your partner every opportunity to hold, comfort, bathe, dress, burp, entertain, and change your baby's diapers--if he is willing. This will enable him to build his own confidence in caring for your child--and you will know that your baby is in good hands while you enjoy a shower or a prized nap. Just realize that your partner's parenting style may be quite different from yours, and you may have the urge to look over his shoulder and be critical. But unless he asks for your assistance, let him do things his own way, so he can develop his own parenting skills.... Your child's early emotional attachment to his father will help to build a strong family bond.

Keep your partner actively involved by always acknowledging his efforts. Make sure you let him know how much you appreciate his help and support. Tell him how lucky your child is to have him as father. Thank him for the little things, such as doing the dishes and changing diapers, and for the big things, such as providing for the family and for understanding that this demanding newborn period won't last forever. Let him know the important role he plays in the success of your nursing relationship with your baby and how much you value him as a partner.

For some new mothers getting their partners involved may not be so easy. There are some fathers who are just not comfortable handling a newborn and are not so eager to jump right in and help out with baby care. Holding and comforting your baby may be the extent of your partner's baby care abilities. But don't despair, he'll have plenty of chances to become more comfortable in handling him as your baby grows and becomes more responsive. Just let your partner know that the opportunity is there whenever he is ready, and for now the way that he can contribute is by helping out with household responsibilities. However, if you feel that you will need more help than your partner is able to offer during these early weeks, arrange to have a supportive relative or friend stay with you after your baby is born. Or you can hire a doula, a woman who provides nurturing and support to new mothers and their families. If you are having difficulties, don't struggle alone. Seek out organizations that offer support and assistance. Stronger is the woman who admits she needs help and courageously asks for it, than the woman who carries the burden all alone and suffers in silence.

The bottom line is all new mothers need help. Whether it's having a friend listen to your childbirth story or hiring a doula to help with household responsibilities, you need to reach out to other people. You need to feel connected to the outside world. You need to express your feelings and be heard. You need to share your experiences and compare notes with other mothers. You need reassurance that you are doing things right. But most of all, in order to persevere during these early weeks, you need tender loving care from all those around you. Creating this circle of support will make nursing your baby a more positive experience. The rewards of all your efforts will come once you are through the rough waters of the hectic first few weeks. There will be smooth sailing ahead on your way to becoming a happy breastfeeding family.

Words of Encouragement for the Breastfeeding Father

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

--Theodore Hesburgh

Deciding to breastfeed your baby may have been a decision made by both you and your partner, but most fathers think that breastfeeding doesn't have anything to do with them. The truth of the matter is you play a vital role in the success of your partner's nursing relationship with your baby. You may not have thought about it before, but whether she succeeds or fails depends highly on you. Never underestimate the importance of your role in this wondrous breastfeeding experience!

The most fatherly thing you can do during this time is to be available to your partner and support her in her new role as mother.... During this time your most important responsibility as parents is to devote yourselves to caring for this miraculous new life. Support your partner by freeing her from other responsibilities so that she can give her full attention to learning how to nurse your baby. Take pride in knowing you have chosen a loving and devoted partner who has become a loving and devoted mother. Appreciate what she is trying to accomplish and have confidence in her. Stand by her and admire her womanly strength and perseverance in getting through difficulties. Dispel her doubts, protect her from criticism, and reassure her that she is doing the right thing. Most importantly, be her source of encouragement and support if she ever feels like giving up. It can be difficult to watch your partner struggle with breastfeeding, but when you support her desire to continue breastfeeding you are giving her and your baby a precious gift. Later on down the road, you will be rewarded for your efforts.

Realize that you have new responsibilities toward your partner and your child. Understand that she is recuperating from the physical demands of pregnancy and childbirth and adjusting to hormonal changes in her body. All this may affect her mood. She may be more irritable, forgetful, and distracted. You may possibly feel neglected and resent the fact that she is spending most of her time with the baby. But just try to remember that during this newborn period your baby's needs have to take top priority, and that this transitional time won't last forever. Your partner doesn't love you any less. In fact, she loves you even more for being the father of this precious child and for supporting her efforts to breastfeed your baby. Enjoy the beauty of watching her nourish your child with her own body and seeing your child thrive. You will have your partner back before you know it--a new, more womanly partner who has given you the most treasured gift there is, a beautiful baby.

Remember, small favors make a big impression in the eyes of an exhausted new mother.... Make sure she eats well and rests, and help her with baby care responsibilities. Take any opportunity to hold, comfort, bathe, dress, burp, entertain, and change your baby's diapers--this is your chance to start developing your own special relationship with your child. Nurturing your baby and being attuned to his needs during these early years will have a positive influence on his future growth and development and will create a strong family bond.

As a new father a great many demands are being placed upon you and at times it may seem difficult and overwhelming. It is important to seek out your own support system. Look to friends and family members for emotional support and reassurance. It helps to seek out other fathers who have had a breastfeeding child, so you can share your feelings and know that you are not alone....

Finally, appreciate the advantages of having a breastfed baby. Your child will be healthier and you will have fewer medical expenses. Your nights will be disrupted less, since you will be relieved of the responsibility of shared middle-of-the-night bottle feedings. Outings will be much easier for everyone. And with the money you save on the cost of purchasing infant formula, an average of $100 per month for the first year after birth, you and your family can look forward to a getaway vacation.

Adjusting To Motherhood

Childbirth is more admirable than conquest, more amazing than self-defense, and as courageous as either one.

--Gloria Steinem

Adjusting to motherhood is a tremendous challenge both physically and emotionally, as childbirth is a dramatic, life-changing event. More changes occur during the first few weeks postpartum than at any other time in a woman's life. After the delivery, it is important to reflect on the events that have occurred, catch your breath, and ease yourself into your new role as mother. Knowing what to expect during these early days can help make life with your baby a little easier

During the first six weeks postpartum you will be recovering from the physical demands of pregnancy and labor and the highly emotional experience of childbirth. As your life profoundly changes, it is natural to experience a whirlwind of emotions from excitement and joy to worry and disappointment. This new role as mother may not be exactly what you envisioned. Caring for your newborn may be more time-consuming and exhausting than you ever imagined. Your baby's many needs may seem never-ending, making it difficult for you to feel organized. You may feel that you will never again have a peaceful night's sleep. Breastfeeding may not be as easy as you expected. You may experience feelings of uncertainty and question your own mothering abilities. Motherhood may not seem at all like the photographs in the parenting magazines. But don't despair! With so many changes happening in the early days, it is normal to have mixed emotions about breastfeeding and motherhood. Just remember that they both get easier with time, and you will eventually settle into this new way of life. The most important thing you can do during this transitional time is to take good care of yourself. The better you are cared for the better you are able to care for your baby--and soon you will feel confident in your new role as mother.

During difficult periods of mothering, it always helps to put things into perspective by putting yourself in your "baby's booties." ... Remind yourself how lucky you are to have this new little person in your life and how much richer and more meaningful your days will be. Think of all the wonderful life experiences you have yet to share with this new love of your life. And for the time being, you are the center of his universe, and as far as he is concerned you are perfect!

Emotional Changes

After the birth of your baby you may experience a wide range of emotions including some unexpected highs and lows. Regardless of how much you looked forward to your baby's arrival, after the incredible high feeling that comes with childbirth you may experience a temporary low period. The anticipation and planning that have occupied your life for the last several months have come to an end, and the focus of everyone's attention has shifted from the expectant mom to the precious new baby. At the same time you are experiencing this emotional letdown, your system is going through enormous hormonal changes; your body is returning to its non-pregnant state and your milk-producing hormones are working overtime to establish your milk supply. To top it off, you are now suddenly responsible for being full-time caregiver of a totally dependent new life--and you are not getting much sleep. It is no wonder that you are on such an emotional roller coaster! This extremely common condition is called the baby blues and may suddenly hit on the third or fourth day after delivery. You may find yourself crying for no apparent reason.... This mood instability is usually due to a combination of the following factors: a feeling of anticlimax after giving birth, the hormonal chaos in your body, a sudden awareness of new responsibilities, and exhaustion due to the lack of sleep. You may have a few difficult days, but within a week or two things should improve. During this period, love and support from your partner, family, and friends are extremely important. Ask for their emotional support, share your feelings with them, and accept their help. It also helps to get together with other new mothers or attend a La Leche League meeting. Sharing your feelings with women who know what you are going through may give you a new perspective on things. Exercise (with your doctor's approval) is another way to improve your mood and will also help you lose postpartum pounds. Getting outdoors and walking with your baby is the perfect exercise during these first postpartum weeks. However, the best cure for the baby blues is time. Symptoms usually improve in one to two weeks, as your hormone levels return to normal and you become more confident in caring for your baby.

For some new mothers the baby blues may progress into postpartum depression, which can occur within days of the delivery or appear gradually over the next several months. Postpartum depression is characterized by feelings of incapacitating anxiety, mental confusion, despair, insomnia, and intense worry or panic. A new mother with postpartum depression may cry uncontrollably; be withdrawn, have a change in eating habits (loss of appetite or overeating), and may express irrational fears about herself and her baby. The exact cause of postpartum depression is unclear. However, one theory suggests that it is an underlying mood disorder triggered by the hormonal fluctuations of the postpartum period, compounded by the demands of childbirth, baby care, and personal life stresses. In addition, the universal expectation that a new mother with a beautiful baby should be happy and grateful further contributes to guilt and depression. Women who suffer from postpartum depression are more likely to have had previous bouts with depression or have a family history of mood disorders....

In all cases of postpartum depression reaching out for proper help is an important step toward recovery.... If you are experiencing any of the symptoms of postpartum depression or you are having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby; don't continue to suffer in silence--contact your health care provider and Depression After Delivery (DAD), a nonprofit organization that provides information and support for women with postpartum depression. If untreated, postpartum depression may persist and could have negative effects on your baby's physiologic and emotional developments.

Relationship Changes

Motherhood not only changes your own life, but it also affects your relationships with others--in one way or another. Having a child helps you see things from a different perspective. It helps you reevaluate your own life and adds a new dimension to all other relationships.

When partners become parents it is easy to lose sight of each other, which may in turn create separation and disharmony. Caring for a newborn takes so much of your time and energy that there is little time left to focus on anything else--including your relationship with your partner. Some days you may feel as if your partner is not contributing enough around the house, or you may feel jealous of his freedom as he leaves for work. On the other hand, your partner may be envious of your close relationship with your baby, and he may feel left out of the family circle. There may be days when you both look at your baby and then look at each other and wonder, "What have we done?" These feelings and reactions are normal when partners become parents. However, it is important to understand what is happening and take time out to reconnect. Try to communicate your needs and your feelings to each other as much as possible. As difficult as it may seem, try to spend time alone together to nurture your relationship. Get reacquainted. Reminisce about the day you met and focus on the qualities that brought you together in the first place. Discuss how these qualities will help you in raising your child. Realize that parenting is a team effort and in order for your child to feel a sense of family unity, there must be love and harmony in your relationship with your partner.

Soon the day will come when your child does something extraordinary and you will look at each other in wonderment and say, "Look what we've done!"

After having a child the word family" takes on a whole new meaning in your life. Not only are you a member of one, you are now the creator of one. Your close family ties may strengthen as you develop a new understanding and appreciation of your own parents and siblings. You may especially feel a great sense of awe and admiration for your own mother. Family members will play an important and influential role in your child's life. Each of these relationships will be unique and will enrich your child's life in different ways. Watching these relationships develop and grow will bring your own relationship with each family member to a new level....

You may find yourself being strongly affected by another child's tears or feel your heart rejoice at the sound of another child's laughter. These powerful feelings are the universal bond of motherhood at work. Becoming a mother gives you a strong spiritual and emotional connection to all mothers.... This connection is so powerful that you will find yourself pulling from its strength during difficult times. Having a child is the most courageous thing a woman can do, entitling each one of us to the red badge of motherhood--wearing your heart on your sleeve for the rest of your life.