Bolton 1-3 Liverpool

Preamble Hello. Welcome. Thanks for coming. How've you been? Lovely. Nice to hear. Right, now that we've got the niceties out of the way, let's confront the harsh truth: Bolton are going down. Sure, it'll be close - what with Sunderland, Reading and Newcastle all making strong cases for demotion too - but the fact is Gary Megson's men are the worst of that bunch: defensively reasonable but utterly blunt going forward - flogging Nicolas Anelka was to wave farewell to the Premier League. Liverpool will win 2-0 today. You see if I'm wrong.

Teams:Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Andrew O'Brien, Cahill, Gardner, Joey O'Brien, Campo, Nolan, Diouf, Davies, Taylor.Liverpool: Reina, Carragher, Hyypia, Skrtel, Aurelio, Gerrard, Alonso, Mascherano, Babel, Kuyt, Torres.Referee: Phil Dowd 

1:25pm: In a cringe-worthy attempt to convince us that they're going to keep their Premier League status, Bolton are a booming a Status Quo "classic" over the PA. OK, that's not strictly true: the Wanderer is the Reebok's regular anthem, and it would be cringe-worthy regardless of the club's league position. Does any team broadcast a less rousing pre-match tune?

1 min : We're off. And as usual with Setanta, the pictures appear to be coming to us from a blimp wedged in the Earth's stratosphere. I know they want to distinguish themselves from Sky, but trying too hard to be different frequently makes one annoying and foolish. Please don't bother writing in to say I should know.

3 min : Mascherano catches Gardner with a woeful late tackle. No booking from the ref, just boos from the Bolton fans.

5 min: Diouf curls a free-kick into the danger zone from 40 yards. Everyone misses it ... it bounces right in front of Reina and onto the far post! Liverpool exhale as Hyypia bashes it clear.

8 min: Gerrard releases Babel down the left and the young Dutchman flies past two before turning back and clipping a cross straight to Andy O'Brien.

10 min: Campo fires a corner to the back post, where Joey O'Brien arrives at full tilt and sends a downward header back across the face of goal. Diouf and Nolan stare at it and Gerrard boots it away gratefully ...

GOAL! Bolton 0-1 Liverpool (Jaaskelainen 11')

11 min: Good lord what a fiasco. Liverpool staggered forward impotently and Gerrard, bereft of better options, unleashes a feeble shot that was bobbling wide until Jaasekelainen dived for it ... and somehow flipped it back over his body and into the net! That's relegation behaviour and no mistake.

14 min: Babel is Liverpool most dangerous player at the moment, continually stretching Bolton down the left. But his distribution so far has been so poor that drawing fouls currently seems a wiser option. Indeed, he's just done that and as Gerrard steps up to swing in a free-kick from the touchline, Liverpool fans bay "shoot! Shoot!" He doesn't and the cross is cleared. Meanwhile on the subject of pre-match anthems, Jeremy Spinks offers this: "Sadly I've never been to the Emirates Stadium, but Arsenal's choice of Elvis's The Wonder of You as its pre-match tune leaves me feeling particularly uninspired and, in fact, rather sleepy."

17 min: Babel cuts in from the left, leaving Steinsson flailing in his wake. The Dutchman then hammers a fine shot goalward but this time Jaaskelainen manages to divert it over the bar.

21 min: Gerrard has a ping from 30 yards and the crowd gasp in disbelief as Jaaskelainen holds on to it. "At the risk of distracting us from the match before us, don't you think Newcastle fans would be better served by following the FC United example and starting afresh? Surely a new team working its way up the pyramid would win the league before Newcastle United win another trophy." That contribution is from Lou Roper, who, if I'm not mistaken, was the landlord in the crummy but somehow quite amusing 70s sitcom Three's Company.

24 min: After Bolton's ballsy start to the game, they are now reduced to scurrying around helplessly after the ball as Liverpool stroke it around imperiously. "I can think of several terrible pre-match tunes," boasts Niall Glynn. "The theme tune to Z-cars that blares out over Everton's entrances is definitely one," he argues, and I really can't agree with him on that - it's splendid. "Also, that ridiculous Newcastle association with the Local Hero number. Not the first time 'ridiculous' and 'Newcastle' have appeared in the same sentence recently, I'll grant you." The Geordies have nothing to do with this game, but they're taking quite a beating. That too is relegation behaviour.

27 min: Outstanding save by Reina! Nolan fizzed a fine cross in from the left, Skrtel had no idea where Davies had got to and the burly striker flashes a downward header towards goal from six yards. Reina blocked it with one hand and then clasped it to his chest before Davies could plunder the rebound. Tip-tip goalkeeping.

30 min: Torres sends one over the top for Torres to chase. But Jaaskelainen hurtles off his line to smother the threat.

33 min: Hyypia hacks down Diouf and is deservedly booked. Taylor whips it in and Cahill, from five yards, knocks the ball wide with his shoulder. Liverpool aren't dealing with Bolton's set-pieces and crosses at all well, which suggests the home side aren't out of this match yet. "Don't forget that after Three's Company I got my own rubbish sitcom," toots Lou Roper. "Just like someone winds up in control of a massive Russian gas field and, thus, a once-forlorn west London football club, there's no accounting for how these things happen.

36 min: Gerrard dinks a ball in behind Steinsson and, as ever, Babel races past the hapless defender and bears down on goal. But he delays his shot long enough for O'Brien to get back and deflect it over the bar.

40 min: Campo flings in a long throw and again Liverpool look feeble. Fortunately for them the ball bounced to Davies, who whacked it several miles over the bar.

42 min: Merciful Megson hauls off Steinsson, who's been tortured by Babel for the entire half. Steinsson's limping, as it to suggest his ignominious withdrawal is down to injury and he would have loved to soldier on. He's fooling no one. On lurches Rasiak as Joey O'Brien is shunted out to the right-back position. Meanwhile, on the subject of pre-match tracks, how come no one has mentioned Charlton's When the red, red, robin goes bob, bob, bobbing along?

44 min: Babel treats O'Brien just as he had treated Steinsson: scorching past him as if he's not there before pumping a shot straight at Jassekelainen.

45 min: Alonso finds Gerrard with a neat ball and as usual Liverpool' captain sends the ball wide to the left. This time it's Torres who's out there and O'Brien robs him. Bolton counter with little precision and Rasiak is booked for a high tackle on Alonso as he attempted to claim a breaking ball.

Half-time: Liverpool lead in a brutal game thanks to a freakish own-goal. Bolton will soon re-emerge to resume battling gamely, but will concede on the counter and lose 2-0. "Looks Ryan Bebel has adjusted to the pace of the Premiership now, doesn't it?" quips Richard Wood. Surely the pace was never the problem, Richard, rather its his decision-making and execution. But recently he's shown signs of improvement and, to complete an uncannily accurate prediction, I can now reveal that it is he who will nab Liverpool's second.

46 min: Bolton injury-enforced change: Tamir Cohen (son of former Liverpool man Avi) on for Nolan.

50 min: Well, the teams came out for the second half and kicked off several minutes ago but haven't yet started playing.

52 min: Carragher and Kuyt raid down the right, presenting what is quite possibly the slowest wing-combination in Europe. Diouf has no trouble halting their laboured break.

54 min: Skrtel hoofs the ball upfield, Torres flicks it on and Gerrard charges through only to be beaten to the ball by Cahill, who pokes it out for a corner. It's cleared as far as Hyypia, who - and you'll like this - attempts an overhead kick. It droops into Jaaskelainen's arms.

57 min: Liverpool force a succession of corners. Gerrard's deliveries get progressively worse, meaning Bolton eventually clear with ease.

58 min: O'Brien clatters into Babel but the ref ignores it. "Does Babel look to you look like he could really nail down that wing spot long-term and become a consistent game-breaker?" parps Mo Baig. "His delivery isn't as good as Pennant's but he's much quicker." Well, Baig, that's basically what I've been trying to say since the start of the game. And his delivery's improving so yes, he's looking like a clever purchase.

GOAL! Bolton 0-2 Liverpool (Babel 60)

60 min: Told you. Carragher chugged down the right and crossed to Kuyt, who sidefooted it off the post. The rebound wasn't cleared properly, Babel picking it up at the edge of the box and rifling it in at the near post. It's all too easy for Liverpool. Bolton are going down.

63 min: Campo will loft a free-kick high into the box. Yep, knew it. Skrtel butts it clear. "You're a genius," notes Marie Meyer. "Now for your next prediction: Liverpool or Everton". In a word? Liverpool. I think I have today earned the right not to elaborate.

66 min: A last-ditch tackle by O'Brien curtails another dash down the left by Babel. "I don't want to be hard on my team but we so desperately need someone who's good at set pieces for Liverpool, or at least stop letting Gerrard take all the corners and free kicks," howls Louise Smith. "His delivery from these is generally awful." As if to illustrate Louise's point, Gerrard thumps another corner straight on to the head of the first defender.

69 min: Corner to Liverpool. And Gerrard, perhaps stung by Louise Smith's criticism of a moment ago, relinquishes delivery duty. Up steps Aurelio. And his cross is a stinker too.

72 min: Kuyt clips a cross in from the right and Gerrard inexplicably fails to connect with an attempted header. "Here is my analysis," announces Shreerang Sarpotdar. "I think Kuyt is one-paced and one-footed but if he can add some variations to his game, he can be a better winger than either Babel or Pennant. He seems to be more comfortable there rather than a central role." Well, Shreerang, the first part of your message is indisputable. The second part is insane. Kuyt's best position is - let's be frank here - somewhere in the Dutch league.

GOAL! Bolton 0-3 Liverpool (Aurelio 75) Bang goes my prediction and bang goes that bullet from Aurelio, who controlled a breaking ball on his chest and then volleyed home brilliantly from the edge of the box.

77 min: Riise waddles on for Torres. By the way, my other prediction remains unquestionably correct: Bolton are going down. "Very impressed by your prognosticative skills, Doyler," says Richard Kross. "Care to predict the Texas and Ohio Democratic primaries?" Um, I think Texas will win. Still impressed?

GOAL! Bolton 1-3 Liverpool (Cohen 79) Liverpool have been defending set-pieces badly all day, and they're finally punished. Taylor curls it in and Cohen, unmarked, nods it in at the near post.

83 min: Gerrard attempts to waltz his way through the heart of Bolton's defence. He fails miserably but given that Kuyt was free to his left, he had little option but to go it alone. "Paul, you're predictions are pretty spot on today," claims Barry Landy, who obviously hasn't been keeping up. "Now can you tell me: what year will Andriy Voronin score his next goal for the club? 2010?" I suggest, Barry, that the you look at the fixture list. Next week Liverpool are at home to Newcastle ...

86 min: Mascherano, who's controlled the midfield today, shanks an attempted through-ball into touch. "Momo Sissoko scored from an overhead kick against Fiorentina today," claims Scott Smith. "Was he sold too soon? Where was that when he was a Red? There's something in the water at Anfield that drains all creativity and belief from Reds players. Could they be piping it in fresh from the Mersey?"

87 min: Arbeloa trots on to replace Kuyt.

89 min: The match is ending in shoddy fashion, with both sides misplacing passes and mistiming tackles. Who would have thought Kuyt's removal would have coincided with a drop in quality? Weird.

90+2 min: The ref puts Bolton out of their misery. For now. There'll be a lot more pain for them before the end of the season. Thanks for following this with guardian.co.uk. Please call again.