Blatter's patter is a real stinker.

Byline: By John Gibson 

We know that America expects the world to slavishly follow its every whim and, darn it, not to query why.

We know, too, that they hate any sport which they consider boring because the scoring doesn't occur every couple of seconds or, worse still, can actually finish level.

Football, loved the world over as the greatest team sport ever invented, has never caught on in the land of the fast buck because, amongst other things, a game can end 0-0. And cricket . . . well, that's truly ridiculed because a Test can be played for five days without either side actually winning.

An art form doesn't matter. Wham, bang, thank you mam is the order. Thrill to that, baby!

Now it would seem that FIFA's barmy boss Sepp Blatter has caught the drift. He wants to do away with draws in soccer because . . . well, yes, they're boring.

Blatter wants all games that end square to go to a penalty shoot-out to decide a winner. Now America loves those - all drama and excitement. To heck with the 90 minutes, let's go straight to the shoot-out, dudes!

What I want to know is why do we need candy floss for Sunday lunch instead of meat and two veg?

Think about it. If Blatter got his way, Arsenal's feat of clinching the Premier League championship unbeaten would never be repeated.

Those great away draws which give travelling football fans in this country so much joy on the journey home - like Newcastle at Manchester United this season - would no longer apply. The last-minute derby draw that saves considerable face - Tottenham v Arsenal last Sunday - wouldn't be allowed. Neither would an away draw in the FA Cup, which brings a home replay. Instead, the tie would go directly to a lottery.

Neither would we be able to dream of winning the pools and landing a fortune by selecting score draws.

Blatter, it must be remembered, is king of the crackpots. It was he who wanted to play a game of four quarters in the World Cup finals of 1994 because it would suit an American audience. He who wanted to make the goals bigger so that more goals would be scored. He who suggested that female players should wear tighter shorts to show off their assets.

May I suggest a better idea than all of those? That silly Sepp retires and takes his one-eyed ideas with him!