Bill Borrows: Just say no to ambition.

Byline: Bill Borrows

NUMBER of alcohol units consumed: 42,763 (but I might be/probably am lying). Number of times reduced to swearing at the TV: 36. Number of times reduced to swearing at the TV when David Baddiel or Sir Alex Ferguson were not on it: Three.

Number of road-rage incidents involving me personally: 17. (Note to self: don't give someone who has cut you up the finger when the lights are about to turn red - particularly if he drives a white van with a pair of boxing gloves hung over the rearview mirror.)

Number of times the builder working on the front of the house has asked for a cup of tea: lost track. Number of times he's actually finished one: none.

Number of crap Bridget Jones parodies attempted by this columnist: One. Sorry.

But it's still a worry. What is? Well, everything of course.

Writing this bloody column for a start, brainwashed Muslim fundamentalists with car boots full of nail bombs, a dismal pension forecast from the CIS (pull your fingers out gentlemen), the petrol cap won't shut on our 18-year-old Peugeot...

Shaun Wright-Phillips has signed for [expletive deleted] Chelsea, the recently-married Natural Blonde is putting on a lot of weight in the upper-thigh area, I've developed tinnitus - hang on, there's someone at the door again.

And it gets worse because I am, according to market research analysts Mintel, one of almost 20 per cent of men in the 25-44 age group who are "anxiety-ridden". So now I'm "anxiety-ridden" as well. It never rains...

"Over the next few years this group wants it all - better job, better home, more holidays, more time for themselves, and they hope to achieve all this while reducing their debt levels," explains consumer research manager, Angela Hughes.

It has been dubbed "Early-Life Crisis" which, ironically, comes as something of a relief as I had been labouring under the misapprehension that, at the age of 37, I was actually on my fourth or fifth mid-life crisis.

Hughes goes on to say: "Adopting more realistic ambitions would result in many men feeling happier and less stressed."

So that's that sorted then fellas. This is the deal. Less realistic ambitions include quitting work, not doing any exercise, failing to deposit discarded pairs of underpants in the laundry basket and forgetting to put up those shelves in the back bedroom.

And, unfortunately, we will also be unable to holiday with the in-laws to Prestatyn this year.

Going for promotion at work? Leave it. Thinking of giving up smoking? Don't bother. You've got unrealistic ambitions. Drinking? Carry on regardless. Eating junk food? Fill your boots. You will feel both happier and less stressed.

She's right, I feel so much better. I can't believe we didn't think of it earlier.

That's a joke. She's losing it if anything. And, obviously, she looks great in her new figure-

hugging bikini.