Bill Borrows: Chas and Cam.. the big picture.

Byline: Bill Borrows

CHARLES and Camilla might be getting married, but it is only because they had a trial separation. And it worked.

OK, so the separation was over several decades, produced two failed marriages and a clutch of children - one who likes to dress up as a Nazi and another who works for the Daily Mail.

But it's not all bad news.

They seem to love one other "whatever that means" - as the heir to the throne told the world on the day of his engagement to Lady Diana Spencer.

Who would wish them anything but unalloyed happiness? Hmm... just me then?

As it happens, I offer them my most sincere congratulations. A couple that can make a trial separation work are to be garlanded with roses.

Or, if you're not on the Civil List and can't afford Roses, Terry's All Gold will do (they are less than half-price at Somerfield, apparently).

I was once involved in a trial separation with a woman I'd rather forget - not the separation, just the woman. The separation was all too short-lived, we got back together for about 10 minutes and then I left. But at the time a trial separation sounded perfect.

Just like those sick-tasting vitamin milk drinks handed out to lecture-allergic students outside Sainsbury's on a Saturday morning, most of us, when faced with such a question, normally respond, "Oh, go on then I'll try it. What harm can it do?"

The drinks do no damage, as far as I am aware. The damage to a relationship after a month apart is incalculable and irreversible.

If you are in the midst of one and feeling delicate, I apologise. There's no going back. End it now.

But if you are in two minds don't do what I did and take your recently reunited other half to see Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer. It is the most horrific, stomach-churning film I have ever seen. Had I not been on a promise I would have walked out.

It's just not a post-trial separation type of film. If I was with the British Board of Film Classification (and it's only a donation to New Labour away) I'd insist on new categories for films:

MS - MARITAL STRIFE: Not advised for couples with relationship "issues", ie anything with Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie in it.

CO - CABBAGE OUT: You're happy, relax, ie Ocean's Twelve (it's dire).

W - WHATEVER: Come on, you've exchanged six words since you went for pizza at 5.30pm. It's over and you both know it, ie anything with seats near the front.

HPSK - HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER*: Avoid at all costs.

*Note to police, arrest all people watching this film - 65 per cent will have bodies buried under the floorboards.