Better homes and victory gardens. (Unplugged).

Ever since old Juggernaut George read to us that the increased border security would help the war on drugs, the anthrax scare would improve our health care system, and increased surveillance would make people dress nicer in public, I have been following all the exciting new war technologies.

I am so looking forward to their peacetime use, if there ever is such a thing again in my lifetime.

On many Internet search engines, there is a rich literature on the conversion of war technologies into peacetime doohickeys. Of course, we would not even have an Internet if it weren't for the MIT engineers hired by the Pentenron to improve their communication system.

Night vision goggles from George 41's Persian Gulf War are now widely used to hunt deer after dark in Wisconsin.

The wonders of Mapquest, a miracle for the directionally challenged like myself, are possible because of all the spy satellites beaming our global positioning system coordinates. I never get lost but often have the creepy feeling I am being followed.

And where would fashion be without the new beige camouflage?

Already, we see some Operation Enduring Freedom (Doesn't this sound like a new sanitary pad?) technological advances creeping into daily use.

Scud missiles turned out to be as accurate as a Chuck Knoblach throw, but I see big promise with the new nuclear cave cleaners. With just a thimbleful, spring cleaning is a thing of the past. Actually, if you use too much, spring is a thing of the past.

Isn't it ironic that when we have weapons of mass destruction they're called deterrents, but when someone else has nuclear weapons they're weapons of mass destruction?

Robot drones are the latest rage in unmanned aircraft. The robots do the dull and dangerous work that no one else wants to do. Like war. They, too, are being quickly adapted for civilian use. Robo-accountants. Robo-security personnel. Robo-droning TV personalities.

Why do I feel like I'm drowning in a bucket of warm smarm whenever CNN's Aaron Brown assures me of something?

Robo-Rome spokesmen explain that we don't know what celibacy is. No, Clothman, you don't know what celibacy is.

The color scheme from Homeland "Security" Tom Ridge, the Roy G. Biv of terror, has lots of peacetime uses. Martha Stewart and Ralph Lauren are already spinning their color wheels, relieved to be released from all that red, white, and blue.

I'm concerned average citizens are without a proper mnemonic device to remember the pigment levels of alert under stress. It's Green, Blue, Yellow, Orange, Red or GBYOR. Try this: Grim, bummer, yikes, oy, run!

Now I look at ordinary products and try to guess which military use it served.

The new Listerine Oral Tabs are tiny but powerful strips of green that melt on your tongue. I was unaware that people have such a hard time getting mouthwash to their mouths. The new delivery system comes in green packaging with a half-life of about a billion years and should start washing up on beaches sometime this summer, perfectly complementing those pastel pink plastic tampon holders. I'm thinking the product was developed for HUMINT spies who needed to fend off the common cold in those Afghan winters.

That's when they were helping Osama, and their breath smelled minty fresh.

Kate "Please don't call me a cockeyed optimist" Clinton is a humorist.