Beryl's tale is a real joy to read. . .

Byline: Rex Makin

MY femur and I (including plate, pins and screws) last week were feeling a bit miserable but were remarkably cheered up by the latest tale of national treasure Dame Beryl Bainbridge.

It was reported in a satirical magazine that she was characteristically on magnificent form at the Queen's Jubilee bunfight for the arts world at the Royal Academy.

The tale recounted differs from her own. I rang her and she gave me a full account especially for ECHO readers.

``May 22 5.15 pm at Royal Academy of Arts. Had photograph by Lord Lichfield, one of 12 Dames - me not him. Me sitting between Dame Vera Lynn and Shirley Bassey. Half an hour later through into main room. Very large glasses of champagne. Conversation with Michael Gambon, David Hockney.

Bumped into who I thought was Dame Vera Lynn. ``Wasn't that fun,'' I say. Pulled backwards. Horrified to realise it was the Queen. I hid myself between lots of luminaries. Had not eaten since the day before - feeling head growing lighter and left. On way to next room some chap spoke to me, I said, ``I am going home, I am a bit under the weather.'' He said, ``Jolly good show,'' or something like that. As we went in different directions, I realised it was Prince Philip. Party went on until 9.15pm. I arrived home at 7.20am. My neighbours, who saw me slide from a taxi, can verify this.

L8 - ELWY STREET: Nice Terrace, Fully furnished. g.c.h., 2 recept i on rooms, modern fitted kitchen Tenanted until August with option to renew. Annual income pounds 4,000. Quick sale pounds 10,500.-0151 548 1181 or 07931 982921 anytimeVivacious, attractive and bubbly TV presenter, Liverpudlian Esther McVey says she wants to stand for Parliament for the Tories.

She will not remember, nor will most readers recall until the 50's Liverpool almost invariably had a Conservative council and most of the MP's were Conservative.

There was a vibrant Labour movement which was wrestling between the soul of the old Irish Catholic party and the descendants of Keir Hardie and the Rochdale Pioneers.

There was a militant Protestant Party which had a Paisley-like figure, Alderman H. D.

Longbottom (about whose name many ribald remarks were made). He became Lord Mayor on the basis of Buggins Turn.

The late J. R. Bevins, Postmaster General in the Conservative government until axed on Harold MacMillan's night of the long knives, was previously Labour and described most of the Liverpool comrades as hating one another more than their opponents.