Being part of the solution: part 3: listening well: to find a solution acceptable to all--listen well.

How can we help solve problems if we do not listen with an open mind to other people's concerns? How can we engage in a meaningful dialogue if we do not pause to look at the situation from their point of view?

Think back to a time when you had a grievance. Could the other person have reached you without showing an open mind to your complaint or without looking at the problem from your point of view?

We are talking here about listening well. This means listening to understand the other person. It also means trying to address his or her immediate needs, to extinguish emotional fires, and find a solution together.

Three types of listening

To use listening as a problem-solving tool, we need to adapt our listening to the immediate problem we face. The following three types of listening are ways to approach speakers in different states.

Supportive listening is synonymous with empathy. It supports and validates the speaker's emotions. That is all you do: by nods and understanding words, you show compassion, if not necessarily agreement. You do not object or offer suggestions or advice.

Supportive listening is the only type of listening that can help the speaker out of the throes of an emotional storm. Only when emotions are calm can reasoning take place.

Active listening is listening for the speaker's main message and then reflecting it (respectfully and unemotionally!) with such words as these: "Let me see if I've understood. You're saying ..." or simply, "So what you're saying is ..." To do this, focus on what key facts and feelings you hear. By telling the speaker what you heard, you show that you have been paying attention and you help clarify the problem. If you thought you got the message but did not, the speaker has another chance to make it clear to you.

Active listening meets the needs of speakers who are trying to explain a point or give instructions.

Creative listening is active listening plus. You reflect the message you heard, get confirmation or clarification, then offer a suggestion built on that message.

Creative listening meets the needs of speakers who are ready to consider ideas for solutions.

A case history

A vice president of technology was horrified when the company president slashed funds for research. Hearing of his anger, the president invited him to his office.

"I understand you are upset about the recent cuts," said the president.

"Upset? It's devastating!" replied the vice president. The president nodded, said he understood the reaction, and listened quietly while the vice president expressed his frustration at the loss of several vital projects.

"I certainly understand your feeling. I'd feel the same way," said the president (supportive listening). "Now, tell me some more about these projects."

The vice president told him about each one and explained its importance to the company.

When he had finished, the president said, "Let me see it' I've understood." He repeated what he had heard the vice president say about each project and its significance (active listening).

The vice president said yes, the president had understood him exactly.

"I agree that these are vital projects," said the president. "Because of the economic downturn, I just can't fund them right now. However, I promise to give them serious attention in six months, assuming things get better. Now, which ones do you think should go on top of the list. Why don't we give first attention to Project X, for the following reasons ... (creative listening)."

The vice president left the president's office feeling totally different. He had received nothing more than a hopeful promise, but his anger was gone. The president's skillful and concerned listening made him feel they were working together against a difficult circumstance. He was ready to support the president in his efforts to bring the company through the difficult times.

The president had become a part of the solution and had guided the vice president to be one, too.

If you think it is impossibly hard to listen well when you yourself are caught in the crisis, you are partially right. It all depends on your goal. If your goal is to crush the other person's objections, listening well to them may be impossible. However, if your goal is to find a solution acceptable to all, then listening well is your first and greatest skill.

Cheryl and Peter Reimold have been teaching communication skills to engineers, scientists, and businesspeople for 20 years. Their firm, PERC Communications (telephone [phone], e-mail [e-mail]), offers businesses consulting and writing services, as well as customized in house courses on writing, presentation skills, and on-the-job communication skills. Visit their web site at www.allaboutcommunication.com.