Battling body image.

At the height of her struggle with body image Jen Nienhouse could barely stand to dry her thighs with a towel after a shower, they repulsed her so. At night she couldn't get her blankets up to her chin fast enough to cover the sight of them. And by day she hid them from others by wearing shorts and skirts never much above the knee.

Like millions of American women, Jen compared her body to that dreamy airbrushed image of jiggle-free, flawlessly smooth flesh--thighs unmarred by cellulite and varicose veins. But the comparisons only added another dimension to the crux of her body-image issues, which was shame. Shame about not being thin enough, fit enough, in control enough.

"The typical thought pattern of someone who's struggling with body image is `No matter what I do, it's never enough,'" explains Jen, a fit five-foot-nine-inch woman with lively light-brown eyes, a wide, even smile, and long honey-blond hair. Living in this emotional world packed with feelings of inadequacy, she began a terrifying free-fall into cycles of compulsive exercising and eating--both of which produced more shame.

For instance, in 1985, as a 21-year-old freshman at Fort Lewis College in Durango, Colorado, Jen joined the school's ski team. But she skied so much that she flunked some classes. Still, bingeing stands out as the most destructive aspect of her body-image ordeal. She remembers periodically hopping in her car and "making the rounds"--always at night and always alone--whenever she felt stressed out.

On the road she'd buy a Milky Way and a Snickers bar at a convenience store and two sweet rolls from the grocery store's bakery. Then it was on to Dairy Queen for a chocolate fudge sundae and Wendy's for a chocolate shake.

"But the bingeing always ended with me hating myself," says Jen, now 36 and many years along on her recovery journey. "My stomach would be hard as a rock.... The very thing you want is to be skinny and fit, but the eating was making it worse."

Her turning point came, ironically enough, at an old-fashioned ice-cream parlor in Creede, Colorado. There she and about 10 other wilderness guides working at the Young Life Wilderness Ranch nearby had stopped for a treat after hiking a tough trail together. While everyone indulged in sundaes, Jen self-consciously asked for just a dollop of ice cream. That's when another female guide discreetly leaned over and said, "You think about your body all of the time, don't you?"

"I thought, `Oh no. Someone else can see my big green ugly monster? But this woman was so gentle and so kind that it was almost a relief to know that someone else finally knew about my struggle," Jen shares.

At this turning point she began a slow recovery journey that she based on Psalm 51:6: "Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place" (NIV).(*) So she began letting God go deeper into her life. That process involved daring to be more truthful about her struggle and appreciating God's call to honor--not hate--her body.

She also asked trusted friends to check in with her to make sure she wasn't slipping back into compulsive behaviors. And she has tried replacing unhealthy habits with healthier ones. For instance, she hikes, mountain-bikes, "trots," or rock-climbs just three to four times a week--a safe number. However, she says living in Boulder, Colorado, makes moderation tougher than usual.

"Here, people don't just exercise, they compete," Jen reflects. "It's not just about `Did you run?' It's about `How far did you run, and what was your time?'"

Besides modifying her exercise program, Jen also limited sweets and fortified her diet with plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables as well as with one to two liters of water daily. But again, the bottom line in battling poor body image comes down to her relationship with God.

"How am I surrendering my issues to God? Am I allowing God into that `inmost place,' that terrifying, alone, scary place that usually leads to binge eating?" she thoughtfully asks. "When I trust that God wants to be with me in my struggle, then I'm not so compulsive. There's a way out. With God there's a plan for you to step out of that scary, self-defeating way of being." I

(*) Texts credited to NIV are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. Copyright [C] 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers.

Pam Mellskog writes on health topics from Boulder, Colorado.