Ballroom blitz; He's famous for talking the talk. But would BOB HAYWOOD be able to trip the light fantastic on a British ballroom dancing break? STEPPING OUT FOR A DANCE BREAK holidays.

SUPER smoothie Anton du Beke can rest easy in his patent leather shoes.

Because I have to admit I am a dismal failure at ballroom dancing.

I went on a weekend break to learn how to glide over the dance floor - and blew it.

In fact, I arrived with two left feet and departed with three, my self-confidence in tatters and my marriage only just intact.

It all started so promisingly when my wife and I decided to go on an Experience Break with Warner Leisure Hotels.

We trawled through the exhausting list of the 200 activities, and plumped for Ballroom for Beginners.

I can't quite now recall why we made that selection although my wife has always loved dancing, in all of its forms, and she would have adored living in the era when ballroom dancing was all the rage.

For my part, I dimly remember going to ballroom lessons when I was about 15 years old. If I was ever any good, which I doubt, I have long forgotten anything I might have learned.

But with ballroom dancing enjoying a massive revival because of the massive success of BBC TV's Strictly Come Dancing, just how hard could it be?

Our Ballroom for Beginners break was at Cricket St. Thomas Hotel near Chard, Somerset, which is where the TV series To the Manor Born was filmed. It is a lovely place, nestling in a pretty valley with grounds designed by Capability Brown and having its own wildlife park.

The enormity of what we were about to take on came home as soon as we walked into our room and found a set of dance numbers - for pinning on our backs - lying menacingly on the dresser.

Gulp!

We set off hesitantly to the welcome meeting and immediately ran into a maelstrom of human activity in the main house with dozens of stressed-out guests gazing at huge lists of names pinned on the walls.

Fortunately, this turned out to be for the advanced dancing lessons - the ones with competitions attached - while we 20 novices were shepherded into a quiet side room.

Our teachers, Bob and Rita Butcher, tried to put us at our ease and kept telling us it was going to be fun. The word was used so many times that I started to get jumpy.

I spent a sleepless night worrying about the next two days with sessions from 10am until 1pm - six hours of tuition in all. With remarkable patience, Bob and Rita tried to teach us all the waltz, quickstep, foxtrot, cha-cha-cha and rumba.

Fun it was not.

Bob kept using euphemisms about my technique such as: "You are introducing a few steps of your own there, Bob" - and was puzzled that I 'kept bobbing up and down'. Cheek!

Understandably, my wife became fed up with my clodhopping footwork and frequent sulks. I kept having mental images of the doors of the divorce court so I tried to do better and stop behaving like a petulant child.

The weekend was enlivened by some tremendous entertainment, with ballroom dancing exhibitions by top young dancers and competitions involving the advanced dancers.

There were personal appearances by lovable old trouper Lionel Blair and East-Enders actress Sophie Lawrence.

But the piece de resistance was the wonderful dancing display by Strictly Come Dancing stars Anton du Beke and Erin Boag. They were just magnificent, zooming across the floor as if on casters.

Far from being inspired, I became more despondent.

Anton turned out to be one of the funniest - if rudest - entertainers around as he judged the enthusiastic amateurs.

I was in stitches, and just thankful he wasn't judging my pathetic efforts.

Our teachers were insistent that all the novices tried out their newly-acquired dancing skills during the general dance sessions on the Saturday and Sundays evenings.

As my wife and I summoned up the courage to take to the crowded floor for a quickstep, my wife immediately snapped: "You're not doing the quickstep."

I then bumped into a little old lady and despite my profuse apologies, she gave me a withering glare and muttered something which I only later realised was: "Wrong dance!"

As we left the floor in shame, we realised it had been a sequence quickstep which is, apparently, a completely different dance from a simple quickstep.

Oh dear. We slunk off in disgrace.

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factfile

A three-night night weekend break at Cricket St Thomas Hotel costs upwards from pounds 164 per person per break sharing Ambassador accommodation, with a four-week midweek break upwards from pounds 224.

A selection of Experience breaks from a Wildlife Experience at a supplement price of pounds 20 a head to The Antiques Experience with Eric Knowles at pounds 75 per head. The Ballroom for Beginners supplement is pounds 35 per person.

All breaks include accommodation, dinner, breakfast, a full range of leisure activities and live entertainment. For a brochure call freephone 0808 141 1111 or visit www.warnerleisure hotels.co.uk

CAPTION(S):

DANCE FEVER: Bob Haywood and his wife try out their dancing moves while (inset) Anton du Beke and Erin Boag show them how it's done