BY THE BOOK; GOLF HAS RULES FOR EVERYTHING.

Byline: Bill Schlotter Daily News Staff Writer

Every game has and needs its rules.

In golf, however, it appears the regulation makers get paid for piece work.

Between the U.S. Golf Association's ``Official Rules of Golf'' and its ``Decisions on the Rules of Golf'' there are some 794 pages of principles, maxims, orders and decrees.

And the books get bigger every year.

Let's play a round and see if we can find any loopholes on the links.

Betcha we don't.

First of all, you can put away that compass. Rule 14-3 of the Official Rules prohibits use of artificial devices and unusual equipment that might assist one's play. Those field glasses are OK, so long as they don't have a range-finder attachment.

OK, hit the ball. Uh-oh, you're in the rough. And it looks like your ball rolled into a bird nest. So what do you do? Do you whack away and leave some poor bird family homeless?

Lucky for you - and the birds - the rules have this one covered. Rule 1-4, decision 9 allows you to take a drop at the closest point not nearer the hole and play from there. Nature is also our friend.

Hey, I think you can reach the green from here. Nice shot. What the hey? You see that? A dog just snatched your ball 3 feet from the cup and ran off with it. Do the rules cover that?

Of course they do. Rule 19-1, decision 6 says you can play a new ball from the point at which the dog grabbed it. If your shot had hit the dog and bounced away, you'd have to play it as it lies.

All right, putt out. Too bad, left it on the lip.

But don't get any ideas of aiding the ball into the hole. Rule 1-2, decision 4 prohibits a player from jumping up and down near the hole in an effort to influence the ball. If the ball falls, it's a one-stroke penalty and you have to put the ball back where it was.

Knock it in and let's play No. 2. And get a grip.

OK, a short par-3. Let's see you drop it right on the flag. Way to go.

What the . . . ? You put the ball 2 feet from the stick, but the stick wasn't in the hole. Some knucklehead apparently took it and jammed it into the turf on the other side of the green. What a cruel trick.

No way this situation is covered in the rules, right?

Wrong. The rule book notes the situation but offers no relief. According to rule 1-4, decision 3, ``. . . the players must accept the resultant advantage or disadvantage.''

Oh, well. You've got a 55-foot putt for birdie. Amaze me - but let's let the wind die a bit first.

Whoa. I don't believe it. A tumbleweed just blew across the green and knocked your ball in the hole. No way this one's covered.

Wrong again. And bad news, amigo. ``. . . A tumbleweed is an outside agency,'' say the rules. ``Rule 18-1 applies and the ball must be replaced without penalty.''

Dang.

Go ahead and putt out. Meet you on the third tee. Geez, it's getting windy.

OK, long par-5. Give me those field glasses and let's see what you've got.

Nice. Right down the middle and . . . criminy. Your ball rolled into a plastic baggy. Now the wind's caught the bag and it's blowing bag and ball down the fairway. Whoa, I think you got another 75 yards in the deal.

Geez, what do the rules say about that? What do you mean, you don't care. We're playing by the book here.

Uh-oh. ``In this case, the bag, not the wind, caused the ball to move. Accordingly, under rules 18-1 and 24-1b, the player must drop the ball directly at the place where it originally lay in the bag.'' Too bad.

Give me those glasses again and awe me with an iron shot. Oh no. You're in the sand.

In the sand and smack up against a half-eaten pear. Plastic bags, discarded fruit - is this a golf course or a landfill?

Unfortunately, my friend, this is a case in which the half-eaten-pear-in-the-sand-trap rule - No. 23-3 - applies. It's pretty much the same thing as the dead-land-crab-in-the-sand-trap rule, No. 23-6: You can't move the obstacle or the ball.

Man, these books really cover all the bases.

Well, blast on out of here and let's get going. Yikes. Clear across the fairway and into the rough. You ever consider another hobby? Just asking.

What's that? Your ball is lying up against a coiled rattlesnake? Is it dead or alive - it makes a difference.

Extremely alive, extremely angry and extremely venomous, eh.

Yes, common sense would dictate that we get the heck out of here. But we don't need common sense: We've got the USGA's ``Decisions on the Rules of Golf,'' which says you can drop a ball at the nearest safe place and play on. Oh, come on. You can get closer than that. He can't jump 30 feet.

Holy moly, now you're in the sand on the left side of the green. And, for the love of Pete, it looks like kids have been playing in here. There's a sand castle the size of Buckingham Palace between your ball and the green.

Tough luck, pal. According to Rule 33-8/9, you've got to play it. I tell you, I don't know what's wrong with the youth of today.

Oh well, blast over it. Nice. Looks like you've got about a 20-foot putt. Nice and easy, now. Looks good, oh it's going to just miss. Hey, you can't throw your putter at a moving ball. Good thing you missed. If you had made contact, it would have been a breach of Rule 1-2/4.5 and would have cost you a stroke. Hey, you're not allowed to throw your 9-iron either. Nor the 8. Nor the 5. Nor the wedge.

And there is certainly a rule against that kind of language.

Hmmmm. Well maybe not.

Maybe we've found our loophole.

CAPTION(S):

Drawing

Drawing: no caption (Golfer)

Jim Thompson