BUT WILL IT PLAY IN PEORIA?; IDEA: RETURN TO SENDER, ADDRESS SALT LAKE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH The Media

There's new reason to believe the NBA lockout will end sooner rather than later.

If any players listened to ``The Karl Malone'' radio show emanating this week from Burbank, they've got to be calling an emergency meeting to settle this thing - because there's no way they can afford to have this stammering contradiction of a pseudo-radio host continue to present the players' side and risk that whatever NBA fans there are left might decide never to come back.

Maybe the novelty hasn't quite worn off of AM-1150's experiment - giving the Utah Jazz's star his own two hours of airtime to do . . . whatever he's been doing. But given another week, ratings will only show that it's because listeners are from the same universe as those who watched ``The Magic Hour'' fish-tail through its two humiliating months of original shows and another month of re-runs.

As sports-talk radio devolves further into this call-attention-to-ourselves celebrity quagmire, the hucksters at AM-1150 should back-slap themselves for giving this future Hall of Famer a chance to refer to himself in the third person for two hours a day. The regular host, Vic ``The Bootlicking'' Jacobs, even relinquished the name of his own show for this Southern-drawling, grammatically challenged opportunist.

If you're looking for Malone's insight and insider information on the NBA players and owners labor woes, as the station has advertised, you might as well tune in to Art Bell rattling on about extraterrestrials.

During his first week on the air, Malone has ``enlightened us'' (Jacobs' words) about his car dealerships, his love of Harleys and Mack trucks and ``wrasslin', '' fishing and hunting. (And by the way, Charlton Heston's outstanding leadership of the NRA).

Malone has also bestowed his much-sought takes on world events such as 77-year-old John Glenn's leap back into space (``I wish at 75 I could be doing that when I'm that age''), President Clinton's travails (``How much more can you degrade Clinton, which is from Arkansas'') and Texas governor George Bush II's chances of becoming the nation's chief executive (``I've done my homework, and this would be the first father-son to be president in history'').

But when the conversation painfully turns back to NBA issues, the facts are incidental to what he decides will come spilling out of his mouth. Unfortunately, there's absolutely no one brave enough to correct him - especially Jacobs, who until recently had been calling Malone the league's ``Most Valuable Baby'' because of his off-the-court outbursts. Even if the station knows someone like Joe McDonnell wouldn't get along on-air with Malone, at least the conversation would be interesting.

When he's on his new audio soapbox, Malone loves to go on about what he believes is the unjust split of $3 billion. He maintains the players should get $1.5 billion and the owners, even though they take the bigger financial risks, should receive the other $1.5 billion.

Someone might remind Malone that the money the NBA players and owners have been talking about is closer to $2 billion. But we digress.

The most annoying thing the unfiltered Malone continues to do is drop extremely loud hints about leaving the Jazz after this season (when he'll be a free agent) to become a Laker. Even Malone and his new agent/activities director Dwight Manley must realize his becoming a Laker is practically impossible with the league's present salary caps, hard or soft. Jacobs can continue to harp about how unjust it is that Elden Campbell makes a million a year more than Malone, but those are the contracts that Malone has signed without a gun to his head.

As long as Jacobs' built-in gullible listening audience in L.A. continues to accept Malone's spewings, playing them off the fans in Utah who are terrified of losing him, the topic continues to be out there for discussion. Or at least for Malone to dance around. How compelling is that?

Since the show is simulcast to Salt Lake City station KALL-AM (910) - a demand that Malone made - the callers who do get the most air time are those from places like Ogden, Provo and Logan.

Tuesday, there was even a ``caller from Albuquerque'' that Jacobs introduced, but who turned out be a guy named Wade who is the general manager of Malone's car dealership down there and admitted the station called him to come on.

Awash in the glee that he has control of the dump button to rid himself of callers who challenge him, Malone loves to reiterate that ``this is my show, not yours,'' and then allowing Jacobs to chime in about how a caller ``had too much hostility and a hidden agenda.''

That, and he made too much sense.

Obviously, if Malone wants any career in this field after his playing days, the Mailman will have to work on more than just his delivery. This audio ``pick and roll'' he has going with Jacobs is brutal enough to draw a technical foul from any listener. Without the NBA hook, Malone is just another 50,000-watt ego with nothing to say.

If this ruse is what AM-1150 wants to call taking it to the next level, leave us off on this floor, thanks.

Our sympathy, too, to the nice people in Salt Lake City who must endure not only Malone on a regular basis but now Jacobs for this limited time.

Oh, and just remember the time you spend listening to the Karl Malone show might be better spent changing the cat box with those shredded boxes of Rogaine.

At least there's a chance Malone will grow on you from that end.

SOUND BYTES

By Tom Hoffarth E-mail: sptmediaaol.com

WHAT SMOKES

Fox Sports West 2 has recovered what is tentatively called a Clipper Classic - an overtime victory against San Antonio from December 1997 - that will air Sunday at 10 p.m. Then, Monday at 8 p.m., Fox Sports West has the Lakers' decisive Game 6 win over Boston from the 1985 NBA Finals. FSW was supposed to carry 36 Lakers regular-season games starting with Wednesday's opener against Minnesota; FSW2's first of 40 Clippers games was to be against Vancouver a week from Saturday.

The CBS-DirecTV partnership announced this week gives the small-dish company exclusive rights to show out-of-market games during the first three rounds of the NCAA men's basketball tournament. So anyone here thinking they're stuck with a UCLA game but want to see another team will have never-before access to it for an undetermined fee. Think of it as NFL Sunday Ticket for college hoops.

The final CART race of the year, the Marlboro 500 (ESPN, 12:30 p.m.), might go head-to-head with the Packers-49ers game, but try to catch some of analyst Tommy Kendall, the best unemployed driver out there and a UCLA grad with a degree in economics who seems to have a future in this medium.

Nov. 2 Sports Illustrated, page 101.

WHAT CHOKES

Any logical answers to any of these questions: What was KCBS Channel 2 sportscaster Jim Hill doing in Kansas City - not working but speaking, shoulder-to-shoulder with Jerry West and Co., as a fully credentialed member of Team Ovitz's presentation for an NFL stadium? What was KXTA-AM's Joe McDonnell doing on Ovitz's presentation tape, which was an attempt to show the owners what a game-day would look like from the Carson facility? And is it any coincidence that KNBC's Fred Roggin got a live interview with Ovitz afterward, considering Roggin's agent (and Hill's agent), Ed Hookstratton, has ties to Ovitz, and the other L.A. TV reporters who don't were shut out from Ovitz access?

Something that no doubt will get far more airtime than it deserves - John Madden breaks in his third Maddencruiser this week as he motors to Wisconsin for Sunday's San Francisco-Green Bay game (Channel 11, 1 p.m.), which is going to 97 percent of the country. The restaurant-sponsored rig is just your standard 45-foot motor coach with two bathrooms, a full working kitchen, a living area that seats 10 and sleeps three, a master bedroom and an office, plus three TVs and a tracking satellite dish for in-motion television reception.

WHAT SMOKED ON LOCAL TV

The top 10 Nielsen-rated sports events (with their share numbers) on L.A. television from Oct. 22-28:

Event Date Station Rt/Sh.x

NFL: Pittsburgh-Kansas City 10/26 KABC 17.7/28

NFL: Jacksonville-Denver 10/25 KCBS 13.3/29

NFL: San Francisco-St. Louis 10/25 Fox 8.9/22

NCAA: UCLA-Cal 10/24 KABC 8.8/23

NFL: Buffalo-Carolina 10/25 ESPN 6.1/10

NFL: Baltimore-Green Bay 10/25 KCBS 5.7/14

NCAA: USC-Oregon 10/24 KCAL 5.3/11

Figure skating 10/25 Fox 4.0/9

Boxing 10/24 KCAL 3.8/7

NCAA: Army-Notre Dame 10/24 KNBC 3.1/9

Note: ESPN's coverage of Michigan-Indiana on 10/24 did a 2.4/7.

x -One rating point equals 50,092 TV homes in Los Angeles; a share is the percentage of all the TV sets in use at that time.

CAPTION(S):

2 Boxes

Box: (1) SOUND BYTES (See Text)

(2) WHAT SMOKED ON LOCAL TV (See Text)