BUT CAN I FEED THE PHENYLALANINE TO THE FISH?

Byline: Jillian O'Connor

AT some point, we've all bought shoes, so we know the little bag we must not take by mouth: ``Desiccant silica gel. Do not eat.''

We all get that second part, but since most of us don't have a vocabulary that includes big words with tricky spellings like ``desiccant,'' we're not quite sure what the options are.

Sure, I can't eat the stuff, but could I add it to water and drink it? Can I add it to my moisturizer or nasal spray? Can it be used to fill in ceiling cracks? Can I smoke it? No? Frankly, I think it's all a little too vague.

We're living in a sea of warnings: ``Don't Walk,'' ``Mail Can't Be Delivered Without Postage,'' ``May Cause Anal Leakage.'' And some of them are even useful. Buzzing clocks wake us up, yellow signs tell us to look out for stray heifers, and snappy little tunes entertain us while some rich guy's car is being stolen.

Each day, Americans ignore millions of these alarms and warnings, such as college dorms' fire bells and drugstores' easily tripped theft devices, which are seemingly there only to give the cashiers another reason to glare at customers; it's not as if anyone's been hired to pat down an alleged Bic Lady Shaver thief.

The smoke detector is designed to save us from the rare catastrophic fire, but its everyday purpose seems to be to warn residents that they forgot to rip it off the wall before they started cooking.

Which, of course, raises the question of why we have so darn many alerts, since we often aren't sure what to do with the information, anyway.

A menacing Diet Coke label tells us: ``Phenylketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine.''

No! Not phenylalanine!

But what is phenylalanine? And should I fear it? It seems Coca-Cola is trying to send me some kind of message. But whatever should I do? Does it cause cancer? Is it safe for aquarium pets? Does it taste good?

Is the surgeon general aware of this phenylalanine? And is it, in fact, a desiccant?

Ignoring the surgeon general's warning on cigarettes is a time-honored tradition for some, but then again, there was a hefty jackpot for a few folks who claimed to miscomprehend that particular warning. Perhaps eating that poisonous desiccant silica gel just may pay off after all - even though there's no nicotine.

Out in the country, there are no warnings about car thieves, but lots of signs about wayward cows and deer that apparently may be inclined to mosey across the road, then make a leap in front of a truck. These signs make sense, since no one wants to collide with a moose or a future filet mignon. But then again, if a hoofed mammal makes a run for your car, there's not a whole lot you can do.

Yet we still don't have every traffic situation covered.

Since no one wants to hit someone's precious puppy dog or flatten a creepy-looking possum, either, we need a few warnings for them. In fact, there's an off-kilter cat on my block that likes to crawl across the street on its belly, like it's slinking though the jungles of Nam. Doesn't he merit even a flier?

Near most schools, there are signs showing that adults may be crossing with children. But since many mothers trying to cross the street with a pram push the kid's carriage out first, that requires a sign all its own, namely ``Babies Used as Shield - Next 5 Miles.''

But perhaps we could spot that danger on our own, even without a special yellow sign with a cute picture of a baby carriage and a stick-figure lady.

Besides, with all the advisories reminding us that our infections are becoming resistant to antibiotics, our systems are now safely building resistance to warnings and alarms, too.

Just be careful not to take any of these warnings in with MAOI inhibitors - or if you suffer from liver or kidney disease.