BURBANK'S SCANDAL NEEDS ALL-STAR CAST.

Byline: ERIC SONDHEIMER

It's a real soap opera, the kind of thing they turn into a movie of the week.

There's a sweeps-week bonanza in the list of allegations: football, sex, a middle-aged booster accused of offering money for sex with a teen-age player, a supposed cover-up, a police investigation and criminal charges.

This isn't "Melrose Place" or "Central Park West." It's happening in the quiet, usually calm city of Burbank.

Here's the real-life story, as it now stands:

Salle Dumm, a 51-year-old Burbank fund-raiser, has pleaded not guilty to a felony charge of having unlawful sex with a minor, and a misdemeanor count of contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Prosecutors say she promised a 17-year-old Burbank High player last summer that she would contribute money to his team if he had sex with her, and convinced him with the line: "You gotta do this for your team."

In the ensuing investigation, football coach John Hazelton - already embattled after his team went 0-10 and he was accused of improperly trying to recruit players - has resigned.

Hazelton has testified under oath that as soon as he learned of the alleged sexual contact, he reported it to school board president Joe Hooven, and that Hooven urged him to keep it quiet.

Hooven, once one of Hazelton's biggest boosters, also has resigned. He says he never told Hazelton to cover up the incident, and instead urged him to report it to authorities.

The incident came to light several months later, after Hazelton told another board member and police were called in to investigate.

OK, with that as background, now comes the fun part: Before Hollywood gets here, let's cast this real-life drama ourselves.

I'll be the casting director. Here are my first choices for the roles:

Coach John Hazelton. Personally, he's one of the nicest people you could meet. Physically, he's in great shape from working out in the gym and looks much younger than he is.

He's struggled, though, as a coach. When he was at Montclair Prep, rules violations resulted in the entire athletic program being placed on probation. At Burbank, the team finished 3-17 in his two years as coach.

"He's worse than the Ebola virus to these schools," said one local observer. "He goes in and there's destruction."

First choice for the role: Tony Danza. He's an ex-boxer who knows how to play character roles.

School board president Joe Hooven. An aggressive athletic booster who was determined to make Burbank a winning program, and actively participated in the search for a new coach that led to Hazelton's hiring.

First choice: Kevin Spacey. He'll add the right comedic touch.

Tutor Maureen Burke. She's Hazelton's former girlfriend who drove the football player over to Dumm's house.

Burke testified she asked for the youth's underwear to preserve it as evidence in a plastic bag in her refrigerator. That'll be a great scene. Picture the cops searching her icebox, looking for bags of underwear.

First choice: Melissa Gilbert. She was good as a lawyer in "Sweet Justice" and should know the legal ramifications of confiscated underwear.

Assistant coach. Burke alleges that one of Hazelton's assistants threatened to kill her if she did not keep the incident quiet.

First choice: Howie Long. He can play a tough coach any day.

Salle Dumm. A woman who liked to drink Kahlua and receive neck massages, according to the boy, who testified: "She got my hands and moved them onto her breasts."

First choice: Ann-Margret. It's a sweeps movie, and she can help boost ratings.

The football player. A young man who showed his unselfishness for the team.

First choice: Fred Savage. He used to live in the Valley, was great in the "The Wonder Years" and is ready for a juicy role.

Principal Willard Williams, who months ago insisted, "There are no skeletons in our closet."

First choice: Robert Guillaume. Remember "Benson." He'll add humor Hto the role.

Dumm's attorney, Jacque Boyle, who insists his client did not take advantage of the young man.

"There was nobody pushing him into the bedroom," Boyle said. "Any 17-year-old in a situation like this is going to seize an opportunity like this."

First choice: Robert Shapiro. He's a flamboyant attorney who loves the media spotlight.

That's how I'd cast the movie. Of course, if you can't wait for it to show up on TV, you can catch the real thing down at the courthouse.

At a preliminary hearing last week, Dumm was ordered to stand trial on charges of having unlawful sex with a minor. The next court date is March 8, when she is due for arraignment in Superior Court.