BROWNS REACH ALL-TIME NFL WOE.

Byline: NORMAN CHAD The NFL 

Conveniently, the all-new Cleveland Browns have finished their season, giving us this week to examine the NFL's worst team.

Yes, the Browns are worse than the 1-14 Chargers. In fact, these Browns (5-27 in their first two seasons) are comparable to the expansion 1976-77 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-26 in their first two seasons).

The Browns' statistical debris litters the Midwest. They have scored the fewest points in the NFL (161) and allowed the most in the AFC (419). They did not score a touchdown in six games and scored 10 points or less in 11 of 16 games.

No player on the team had more than two touchdown catches. Their leading rusher was a man called Travis Prentice (512 yards).

At Jacksonville Dec. 3, the Browns failed to cross the 50-yard line (though they tried).

In their final nine losses, the Browns were outscored by 44-10, 22-0, 12-3, 24-3, 24-10, 44-7, 48-0, 35-24 and 24-0. (These are what we call in the business ``Sam Wyche numbers.'')

In their two-year history, the Browns have been outscored by 856-378. (Do not adjust your reading glasses. Those digits are ``856'' and ``378.'')

Presiding over this muddle is the former major-domo of the 49ers, the esteemed Carmen ``You Say Salary Cap, I Say Circumvent'' Policy. (As my Uncle Nathan always groused, ``Never trust a man in a suit.'' Carmen Policy sleeps in a suit.)

A while back, after the NFL fined Policy for actions during his 49ers reign, he gave a lecture on how to improve the salary cap. Ah, yes. My friends, Policy wanting stricter salary-cap control is like Dillinger wanting bank-robbery reform.

More recently, Policy guaranteed coach Chris Palmer's return in 2001. Then, last week, he ``retracted'' that promise. Which proves yet again that with Carmen Policy, his word is not his bond, it's just something he says that pleases him at the moment.

At this moment, the Browns need more than a new coach. They need a better Policy.

(League note: Rams players fined $50,000 for their ``Bob 'n Weave.'' Titans owner Bud Adams fined $8.95 for his ``weave.'')

As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

--Jaguars at Giants (-3 1/2): Moses receives the Ten Commandments at Mount Sinai in 1250 B.C., Neil Armstrong walks on the moon in 1969, Lyle Lovett marries Julia Roberts in 1993, Jim Fassel leads the Giants to 11-4 record in 2000 . . . Though Giants Stadium has switched to grass field, team offices still have artificial Christmas tree. Pick: Jaguars.

--Cardinals at Redskins (-7 1/2): For those confused by current Redskins hierarchy, here is the rundown: highhanded honcho, Daniel M. Snyder; head coach, Daniel M. Snyder; interim practice supervisor, Terry Robiskie . . . To save money, Snyder fired the person he hired to turn out the lights for him. Pick: Cardinals.

--Steelers (-3) at Chargers: Based on Mike Riley's two-point conversion decisions, I've come to the sad conclusion that the Chargers coach cannot count to three . . . If The Man is truly Destiny's Child, my Steelers are improbably playofound. Pick: Steelers.

--49ers at Broncos (-7): Terrell Owens' 20-reception, 283-yard performance brings to mind German physicist Rudolf Clausius formulating the second law of thermodynamics and the kinetic theory of gases. But maybe that's just me. Pick: 49ers.

--Rams (-3 1/2) at Saints: Rams alien QB Kurt Warner is only player who can actually see that first-down line they use on TV . . . And you're trying to tell me the league didn't fine Tom Benson after his little postgame jig? Pick: Rams.

--Buccaneers at Packers (-2 1/2): Brett Favre never loses when the temperature blah blah blah blah blah; Tampa Bay never wins when the temperature blah blah blah blah blah. To which I say: Balderdash and fiddlesticks. Pick: Buccaneers.

--Bears at Lions (-9): U.S. Supreme Court remands Bears game plan for further review, demanding specific explanation as to just what it is they are trying to do. Pick: Lions.

--Bengals at Eagles (-11): Eagles offensive linemen have reduced holding calls by 18 percent since Wet Naps were added to pregame training table. Pick: Eagles.

--Bills at Seahawks (-3): Bills coach Wade Phillips was bitten by his own dog last week. Afterward, the dog went to get a rabies shot. Pick: Bills.

--Chiefs (-4) at Falcons: The term ``damning empirical evidence'' comes up weekly at Falcons' offensive team meeting. Pick: Chiefs.

--Vikings at Colts (-4): Colts spent Monday standing in line at Toys R Us for Playstation 2. Pick: Vikings.

--Jets at Ravens (-6 1/2): Offensively, Jets had very impressive 1-yard touchdown drive last week. Pick: Ravens.

--Panthers at Raiders (-9): Al Davis and Jon Gruden share a spiritual bond - profanity. Pick: Panthers.

--Cowboys at Titans (-14): Cowboys' Joe Avezzano disappointed to learn there is no special-teams position in Bush Cabinet. Pick: Titans.

--Dolphins (-4) at Patriots: In a surprise roster move, Dr. Henry Heimlich dressed for Dolphins practice Thursday. Pick: Patriots.

--Last week: 10-4-1.

--Season record: 114-111-6.

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