BOOMERS FACE DILEMMA PARENTAL CARE A NEW WRINKLE FOR CHILDREN.

Byline: Lisa Mascaro Staff Writer

Sally Feathers tried to get her aging parents to move to Southern California, but they insisted they could take care of themselves and handle the 40-mile drive for doctors' visits, even during winter, in Wisconsin.

But then came Dad's call: He had cancer. That launched the Tarzana woman headfirst into the dizzying, daunting task facing growing numbers of middle-aged adults - taking care of their aging parents.

``Everything is new to me. It's like I'm in a boat going over a waterfall,'' said Feathers, who helps manage her husband's architectural consulting company.

``I'm not terrified because I read, I research, I ask and I ask. I'm on the computer. I'm not afraid to say, 'Help me.'

``They should have a curriculum that addresses this. These boomers, it's going to hit them right on the nose. Instead of worrying about their gosh- darn wrinkles. ... They ought to be worrying about their parents.''

As America ages and people live longer, caring for dependent parents has fast become a major challenge for baby boomers already juggling the demands of their own families and jobs.

And many of the so-called ``sandwich generation'' find themselves unprepared for the emotional, practical and financial toll of providing care for aging parents.

The difficulties can be compounded for those whose loved ones are incapacitated by illness or memory loss or who live hundreds or even thousands of miles away.

``There's an age revolution. More and more people are living longer, The problem is, you're not necessarily living better,'' said Dr. Gary W. Small, the director of UCLA's Center on Aging and the author of the best-selling ``The Memory Bible.''

``We look forward to caring for our children, but the idea of caring for our parents is something we all dread. We tend to ignore it. We don't prepare for it. Then it hits us in the face and it's not easy. All these things are coming together to make parent care almost a crisis.''

Seniors 65 and older account for one in eight Americans, compared with just one in 25 a century earlier. Experts expect the senior population to double to 70 million by 2030.

And with new medical advances and greater access to care, Americans are living longer. The number of those 85 and older is 30 times higher today than in 1900.

Just over 920,000 seniors 65 and older live in Los Angeles County, according to the 2000 Census.

And while middle-aged adults see their parents growing older and becoming more frail, many are caught unprepared when it comes time to make tough decisions about their care.

``Almost 99 percent know nothing,'' said Carolyn Young, supervisor of senior outreach for Providence Health System, which provides programs and referrals for Providence Saint Joseph Medical Center in Burbank and Providence Holy Cross Medical Center in Mission Hills.

``Most of the time, they just flounder around. The problem is that they've always been the children, and mom and dad have always been mom and dad. The role reversal is very difficult.''

For Feathers, her regular visits to her parents' Wisconsin home brought increasing worries. Her mother's blindness left her prone to falls and her memory weakened. Her father found it more difficult to care for them both as he got older himself.

``I could see the peril swirling around them,'' Feathers said.

Then, she got her father's call.

``I just said, 'That's it. I'm not going to ask you anymore. I'm closing down the house.'''

She brought her parents to the San Fernando Valley without a clue about to where to begin.

Feathers struggled through the phone book, trying to find an appropriate place for her parents close by. Finally, a friend pointed her to Accent on Seniors, an Encino-based referral agency for senior living, which like other private companies, receives a fee from the homes where clients are placed.

She sat down with company co-founder Lori Peppi Michiel, who advised her to outline her dream spot for her parents, and they'd see how close they could get.

They found Sunrise of West Hills, where her parents shared a room just as they had since they married at age 20.

Her father's cancer was in remission when her mother fell again and broke a hip. Feathers went on another search, visiting a dozen facilities before finding Adat Shalom, a small board-and-care home in West Hills, that surpassed her hopes for the kind of care her bedridden mom needed.

For others, though, the transition can be more difficult.

Penny Berns tried to oversee the care workers for her widowed mother, who suffers from dementia, at the same time she was managing a household with two school-age children. It was too much for her.

``I was ready to tear my hair out,'' she said. ``I was being pulled in a gazillion directions.''

Without her mother's knowledge or permission, Berns arranged for her to move into Silverado Senior Living in Calabasas, which caters to people with memory loss.

One day, she look her mother to lunch at Silverado. An hour into the meal, Berns excused herself - and never returned to the table.

She drove away from the facility, managing to drive a couple blocks before she pulled over to the curb and broke down in tears.

``It was a horrible thing we had to do,'' she said. ``At the same time, it's the best thing we did.''

To help her deal with her guilt, Berns joined a support group for children of aging adults for six months. She also endured about a year of angry phone calls from her mother.

Now she visits once a week, knowing her mother is living the best life she can give her.

``Even though I had such a good cry at the side of the road, at the same time, I could breathe.''

One of the biggest challenges facing adult children is the cost of providing care for dependent parents. The cost of senior care averages $3,000 a month - whether that's in-home care or at a facility - most of it paid for out of pocket.

Many people simply assume that Medicare or Medi-Cal will pick up the tab, and are stunned to learn that neither one does.

Medicare covers only limited, doctor-prescribed care, typically no more than 100 days in a facility or limited time with a home care worker. Medi-Cal pays only for nursing homes, and is available only after seniors have spent their savings to a qualifying income level.

With Social Security checks averaging about $800 a month for seniors, experts said, many rely on other income to help.

``Most families have no idea because adult children never faced this before and it's not like their parents talk about (it),'' said Jane DuRivage, a long-term care insurance broker and co-chairwoman of the Mid-Valley Aging Network, a networking group in the Burbank-Glendale area.

``Quick math will tell a family how long it will take to have their assets depleted,'' she said.

``Do you pay for the parent who raised you, or do you pay for your children? It's an ethical decision no one should have to make, but we do.''

For many, the emotional toll is the worst part.

``You still want to be somebody's little girl. I'm not her little girl anymore,'' said Ventura County resident Angela Jackson, 62, whose mother is in a skilled-nursing facility. ``That, I think, has been the hardest thing to come to grips with. That has been a real wrench on the heart.''

Small, the University of California, Los Angeles, expert, said the issue gets far too little discussion.

``People do not want to face their own mortality,'' Small said. ``We tend to think of older people as different from ourselves. To accept that we're all going to get old is to come to terms with our own frailty, vulnerability, our own aging,'' he said.

``You have to kind of come to terms with that. No matter how old we get, there's a part of us that remains philosophically as a child. Flipping those roles around is not comfortable.''

For Sally Feathers, the toughest challenge came when her mother died about a year after moving to the Valley. Feathers and her dad were there, praying, as a hospice nurse led them through the passing.

``The grieving is hard,'' said Feathers. ``I miss her a lot. I don't know how long these raw feelings will go on.''

She has more time for herself these days, helping her husband with his business, going out with friends and visiting her father four times a week, taking him on outings and errands. He'll turn 89 in December, and Feathers watches as he becomes increasingly frail.

``I wish they taught this in school. It's such a shame it's such a taboo. Here I am, at this late stage in my life, it's all new to me.''

Lisa Mascaro, [phone]

lisa.mascaro(at)dailynews.com

AGING PARENTS

Here is a sampling of resources for those seeking help with aging parents:

--A Place for Mom: Free, national senior housing referral service, based in Seattle. Visit www.aplaceformom.com.

--Accent on Seniors: Free senior housing referral service, based in Encino. Call [phone].

--Providence Health Care Senior Outreach: Information on services and programs for seniors. Call [phone].

--Mid-Valley Aging Network: Information on insurance, attorneys, nurse registries and other professional services for seniors. Call Jane DuRivage at [phone].

--UCLA Center on Aging: Research and education on aging, as well as community-based senior resource guide. Call [phone] or visit www.aging.ucla.edu.

CAPTION(S):

4 photos, box

Photo:

(1 -- color) George Pishney gives himself a shave at daughter Sally Feathers' house on a recent visit. He'll be 89 in December.

(2 -- color) Sally Feathers holds a photo of her parents, Elsie and George Pishney, taken in Wisconsin in the early 1930s. Feathers moved her parents to California so she could help care for them; her mother died earlier this year and her father lives in an assisted living facility.

(3) Sally Feathers gently wakes up her dad, George Pishney, from a nap when when picks him up at Sunrise Assisted Living. Deciding what how to help her aging parents was difficult.

(4) With no workshop anymore, George Pishney uses his skills on smaller projects, like painting a mailbox he made for his daughter.

Charlotte Schmid-Maybach/Staff Photographer

Box:

AGING PARENTS (see text)