BOOK OF THE WEEK; Hit comedy show ventures into print with loads of laughs.

Byline: Laura Coventry

WE'VE all found ourselves in situations where we wished we could say what we were thinking, but the stars of TV's Mock The Week get to do that every week with Scenes We'd Like To See.

The BBC2 show's creator and producer Dan Patterson, who with Mark Leveson is also responsible forWhose Line Is It Anyway?, launched the first series of Mock the Week in 2005 and it has had audiences hooked ever since.

Presented by comic Dara O'Briain, MTW attracts around five million viewers a week.

Now a book packed with quips that could feature in the hit comedy show's final round Scenes We'd Like To See is to be launched.

Inside Mock the Week: This Year's Book,is page after page of laugh-out-loud one-liners with everything from Bad Question Time Questions to Things That Would Ruin a Meal in a Restaurant and Things You Wouldn't Hear on Children's TV.

The hardback book contains 81 chapters - enough to fill a whole series - and is a must-have for MTW fans ... and those who love a good laugh.

Here's just a taster of some of the book's close-to-the-bone humour:

THINGS TO SAY THAT WILL CHANGE THE ATMOSPHERE AT A DINNER PARTY:

"No, I'll use the downstairs toilet, and leave the door open - that way we can carry on the conversation."

"I think I'm comfortably the richest person here."

UNNERVING THINGS TO HEAR IN A MEDICAL EXAM:

"Just out of interest, do you have any favourite hymns or poems?" "I've never seen a shadow that big. Ah, panic over, there's a spider on the lens."

"I'm going to need a second opinion, because I'm not actually a doctor."

THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN A PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE:

"You don't have to be mad to come here, but you are." "You think you've got troubles."

UNLIKELY OBITUARIES:

"It is said that there are some people who are too good for this world, but Kenny certainly wasn't one of them."

"For many years the voice of the speaking clock, his funeral will take place at 5.34 and 18 seconds precisely."

UNLIKELY COSMETIC ADVERTS:

"Our lipstick looks great on rabbits - think how good it'll look on you!" "Hi, I'm a beauty editor, and people often ask me what my secret is to looking young. I always say, massive amounts of plastic surgery."

BAD QUESTION TIME QUESTIONS:

"If we are a cross-section of society, does that really mean that the country is full of ugly, ill-informed people?" "Just time for one last question, yes, you sir. "Me? I would like to ask the panel if they feel that last questions are sometimes a bit of an anti-climax."

THINGS YOU WOULDN'T HEAR ON CHILDREN'S TV:

"You'll need a pair of scissors for this - so grab some while your mum's not looking."

"Hi kids, retired and unemployed people!"

"Every night, beneath the Arches of Waterloo Bridge, lies Andy Pandy, once one of the biggest stars on TV, now forgotten and fighting an increasingly hopeless battle with the bottle."

UNLIKELY THINGS TO HEAR ON THE ANTIQUES ROADSHOW:

"Cut the crap mate, how much is it worth and do you want to buy it? "Before I've got other people interested."

"Yes, it's an original Rembrandt, but it's probably only worth, um, a fiver. Would you, er, like me to take it off your hands?"

UNLIKELY FRONT PAGE HEADLINES:

"BLUNKETT: I COULD SEE ALL ALONG" "NOTHING MUCH HAPPENING REALLY" "ALL PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD SOLVED"

UNLIKELY SIGNS:

"Dance Class Ahead - Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick Slow"

"When black flag is visible, go in the sea if you must, but don't say we didn't warn you"

BAD THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE:

No food for me thanks, I'll just have wine." "Before I offer to pay the bill, can I just check that we are going to have sex later?"

BAD THINGS TO SAY AT A WEDDING:

"Since you ask, this ISN'T the first time I've met your sister." "If anyone knows any reason why they should not be wed - I'll start the ball rolling." Wow, you ARE wearing white. I thought it was a joke."

Published by Boxtree, priced pounds 14.99, available from September 18.