BIGGEST TURKEYS OF 1997 TAKE TACKY TASTE AWARDS.

Byline: Marilyn Beck and Stacy Jenel Smith

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all, and a very special thank you to readers of this column, viewers of E! Entertainment's ``The Gossip Show'' and cyber-readers of E! Online who submitted candidates for this year's Tacky Taste Awards. We've been swamped with letters about celebrities who qualify as turkeys on our annual menu of bad taste. And for the first time in this contest's two-decade history, we have turkeys with stuffing - ballot-box stuffing.

Tackiest of them all?

1. Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

When she read that she'd been nominated for Tacky Taste 1998, Schlessinger gave her syndicated radio audience a directive that would qualify for a Convoluted Logic Award. She said she wanted to win because those who would vote her Tacky must be against morals, values, ethics, religion and God. We got thousands of responses, with hundreds of Dr. Laura's followers repeating her phrase like robots. ``I am voting for Dr. Laura Schlessinger because there is a group in this country that thinks morals, values, ethics, religion and God are tacky,'' penned Denise M. of Salt Lake City in a typical example.

Others countered with sentiments such as those expressed by F.M. of New Orleans, who accused her of ``self-aggrandizement.'' And D.H. of Santa Clarita wrote: ``Dr. Laura ... SHOULD receive this award, not for the high moral reasons she requested but for blithely offering her opinions with the authority of God ... pouncing on her callers before hearing the problem ... her total lack of humility.''

``She's a hypocrite ... not on speaking terms with her own mother,'' wrote Mark B. of Baltimore. Claudette W. of Twentynine Palms, Calif., wrote that ``Many people disagree with her'' - and Claudette knows, she told us, because she has a Web page called ``Dr. Laura Is Wrong'' that gets between 200 and 300 hits a day.

2. Marv Albert.

To judge by our voters, the sportscaster's so-called ``rehab tour'' of talk shows - following his sexual assault trial - didn't work. Online reader Roger Lynn comments, ``His personality is as tacky as his toupee.'' G.W. of Sacramento believes ``Marv and his lawyer should win for saying so many times, `It's the '90s, this is what goes on now,' regarding biting, etc. It's sickening!''

3. Mike Tyson.

``Tyson is tackiest for biting Evander Holyfield's ear. He chomped the champ, now he's a chump!'' sums up S.W. of New Jersey. Bernice R., of Westfield, N.J., suggests Albert and Tyson determine which one wins the Tacky crown by meeting in the ring to fight it out - or make that bite it out, ``and whoever wins gets to make mincemeat out of the paparazzi who chased down Princess Diana.''

4. The Kennedys.

``JFK Jr. and the Carousin' Cousins get my vote,'' says San Francisco reader Cathy P. ``Michael Kennedy, for carrying on with an underage baby sitter,'' adds R.B. of Chino, Calif. ``JFK Jr. for airing his family's dirty linen in George to boost magazine sales,'' wrote Michael C. of Kansas City, Mo.

5. Jenny McCarthy.

``When I see her sitting on the toilet in those shoe ads, I feel flushed,'' writes E.D. of Brooklyn. C.F. of Malibu votes for the sitcom star and Playboy favorite for ``simply put: toilet bowls, flatulence, belching and overall trashy appearance and conduct.''

6. Marv's Mixed Media Medley.

Voters blasted Barbara Walters, David Letterman, Katie Couric and Larry King for ``letting an admitted sexual assault criminal have the floor trying to make himself look good ... just another example of any ploy to grovel for ratings,'' gripes Carrie L. of New Haven, Conn.

7. Barbra Streisand.

``... for her stomach-churning performance, acting like a sex-starved teeny-bopper on the Barbara Walters show (``20/20''), fawning and pawing her current stud-muffin, James Brolin, both of them nauseating everyone,'' writes Jery T. of New York. Many other voters agreed.

8. Fran Drescher.

For, among other things, as J.S. of Milwaukee phrased it, ``getting on the `Tonight' show and going on and on with a story about cutting her finger on Halloween night and calling the paramedics to take her to the hospital. It had happened, all right, but not to her.''

9. Ellen DeGeneres.

``Her show is getting tiresome and tacky. Enough of her love life on the sitcom already,'' writes Nancy of Encino, echoing others.

10. Calvin Klein.

For ``promoting the heroin addict/anorexic look in ads'' as E.W. of Portland, Maine, put it.

Dishonorable mentions

Other heavy vote-getters this widely varied year included: Joan Rivers (``She fawns all over the stars at the Academy Awards, then makes bitchy remarks about them and their clothes on her `Fashion Emergency' show on E!'' says Online reader Andrea C.) Also: Judge Hiller Zobel for freeing au pair Louise Woodward after she was convicted of killing 8-month-old Matthew Eappen. President Clinton drew lots of tacky votes, but other voters contended it's the ``Bill bashers'' who are tacky.

All of which serves up a reminder of how thankful we are to be living in a country where people get to call ``Tacky'' as they see it.

CAPTION(S):

2 Photos

PHOTO (1) Mike Tyson

Chomped on champ

(2) Marv Albert

Kinky sport