BEWARE WHILE TAKING DOG FOR WALK IN L.A.

Byline: Dennis McCarthy 

I stuck a can of Mace in my jacket pocket, kissed my family goodbye, and set off on one of the most dangerous, peril-filled missions a person can face on the streets of Los Angeles these days.

Walking the dog.

``Be careful,'' my wife said, kneeling down to pet our dog, who was slobbering all over the rug. Just the thought of going for a walk makes him extremely excited. He reminds me of a politician smelling a vote.

I used to think my wife was talking to me when she said be careful on these walks, but that turned out to be just another one of those male ego trips we husbands go on from time to time. It was the dog she was worried about.

Ask my kid. He knows. If my wife had to choose between her dog or her husband coming home safely from one of these walks, the dog would win hands down, the kid swears.

Bubba's a big, goofy-looking golden retriever who reminds you a lot of Bert Lahr as the cowardly lion in ``The Wizard of Oz.''

The dog's a chicken, too. He growls and barks at other dogs, but if any of them growl and bark back, he backs down faster than Saddam Hussein.

It's something we have in common, the dog and me. We've been known to cross the street at the sight of a halfway mean-looking Chihuahua and its owner coming our way.

Carrying doggy Mace for protection was my wife's idea. Like a lot of people, she's been upset about all these stories of pairs of pit bulls roaming around and attacking people and dogs.

She's sure we're going to meet them on one of our walks, so she wants to be ready and even the odds a little.

An Uzi was a little much, so she settled for the doggy Mace, which isn't supposed to hurt the dog like regular Mace would.

I don't know about you, but when I read stories like the one about the people in Granada Hills being attacked by pit bulls this week, I want to find the owners of these vicious dogs and use Mace on them.

But that would be a violent reaction, and I'm not allowed to upset myself any more than is absolutely necessary, my doctor says. At least, not if I want to be around to collect my first Social Security check.

Still, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to see that walking your dog is getting to be dicey business in a lot of neighborhoods where too many dog owners let their dogs roam around free and don't seem to care.

One of their favorite lines is, ``Oh, he won't bite.''

How the hell do they know? Did their dog just talk to them?

``Hey, I'm going for a little walk through the gate you just left open, but don't worry, I won't bite anyone while I'm gone. See ya.''

My dog can be as mellow as they come, but can I say for sure he won't bite someone if he feels threatened? Nope. Hell, I'd bite someone if I felt threatened.

And it's a joke to think Animal Services in this city can do anything to make neighborhoods safer from the jerks who allow their dogs to roam free.

In the Granada Hills incident, where several residents were viciously attacked by a pair of pit bulls, we were told by a spokeswoman for Animal Services, ``This is not uncommon. It happens all the time.''

Wonderful. Makes you want to take Fido out for a nice, long walk tonight after dinner, doesn't it?

We also learned that the city has something called a Special Enforcement Unit - three whole officers devoted solely to capturing the city's estimated 44,000 stray dogs.

Gee, if each of them catches one stray dog a day, we'll have this problem licked in four years.

In its defense, Animal Services hasn't had a lot of financial resources given to it from city officials to do the job we thought they were doing, but obviously weren't.

The city should kick in additional money to hire more animal control officers, and these officers should spend their time taking strays off the street, not hassling dog owners who take their licensed dogs off the leash for a few minutes to find a spot to take care of business.

If the owners don't pick the business up, then hassle and ticket them.

Aw, hell, I'm getting riled up again. Pass me the doggy Mace.